How to deal with abandonment issues in relationships

I am not sure which forum to post this in. I am really struggling right now. I have been in a relationship for the past year and a half with an awesome guy...he knows most of my past issues and is, for the most part, supportive. However, I have the worst abandonment issues when it comes to him, and it seems like they are getting worse, not better, as time goes on. (I'm also in therapy, which I think helps in the long run but am more emotional overall because I'm consciously dealing with issues.) Feeling close and safe triggers feelings about past abuse or abandonment. I want to talk about my feelings, but that is a trigger for me in and of itself. In the past, I've been "punished" for having feelings and for expressing them, so I've learned not to. The cycle is that something will trigger me, and I'll be obviously upset (but trying my hardest to hide it), and he'll try to be supportive, and then I'll try to talk about it...but then I just feel even more terrified and ashamed for having talked about it at all. I'm just waiting for "the other shoe to drop" and for him to leave me for having all these issues. But then again, if I DON'T talk about it, I'm afraid he'll leave me for being too closed off and unexpressive. It's like, no matter what, I don't win. And sometimes it's the smallest things that touch this abandonment nerve...Like this past weekend he bought a new HGTV but didn't tell me until I saw it for myself, said he wanted to surprise me. But 2 of his coworkers knew, as they helped him move it in. And I felt hurt that I hadn't been the first to know, felt that meant I wasn't important enough to him. And once I got in the mindframe of thinking like that, I started interpreting everything as a sign of him not loving me, not wanting to be with me or be around me. I started feeling like, if he loved me, he wouldn't want to: watch the superbowl, spend time with friends, do this or that. Which I know isn't rational or healthy. But then again, if he wasn't doing those things, I would feel guilty, like I had manipulated him into not doing what he wanted and that he'd only be spending time with me because he pities me. I rarely act on these emotions. I mean, I don't pick fights or act out-- mostly I just withdraw and isolate myself, cry to myself, but it eats me up so much. And he'll tend to pick up on things anyway, ask me what's wrong, so I'll have to talk about it a little...and feel bad about myself for admitting these things.

My question is, how do I overcome this? Is it just going to keep getting worse and worse? This is the first healthy relationship I've been in...why does it hurt so much? It's to the point where I almost want to break up with him, not because of anything with him but because I can't stand the feelings it brings about in me (and I guess I'm afraid he's going to do it anyway so I want to beat him to it.)

Sam-I-Am:

Very cute name.

I think we all kinda battle with this. I think more than anything from reading your post that you are afraid to express your feelings and sometimes you take things personal. Two things that I am also guilty of.

From my point of view - I think you should focus a little on your independence. (Just my opinion not a must do.) But, like you I used to get kinda antsy when my ex did things like that because I was not in the "know". The HDTV thing - would have kind of bothered me too.

I think if he is supportive, you should tell him how you feel. Don't worry about running him off because if he's in it for the long haul he will listen. Sometimes its how you approach the issue. Like, maybe, you could tell him "You know, I know this sounds crazy and you were trying to surprise me but I really felt left out when you didn't tell me about the t.v. and other's already knew." But let him know that you appreciate the surprise factor.

Maybe get a little rest and ease with yourself. Talk to your therapist. I read a book that really helped me with issues like that. It's called, "Why Men Love *****es" by Sheryl Argov. Excuse the title but, it's really about how to maintain our independence as women yet allow men to feel like we want them there. It kinda puts into perspective the way men see our reactions and how our reactions affect our relationships.

It may not help in your situation but, it certainly helped me.

Take Care.

hmmm. . .i think you should stop "assuming". though, it is all hard for people to do; so good luck! for you to already state "I have been in a relationship for the past year and a half with an awesome guy. . .he knows most of my past issues and is, for the most part, supportive, " i think you need to remember this and maybe write it down and/or hang it somewhere (maybe with his photo). so, when ever you have weird assumptive thoughts (sort paranoia), just remember that this guy is a decent guy who already understands you.

as for your strange "feeling" regarding the television, just "assume" the positive and think he was "hiding" this from you because he wanted to surprise you. as you think "positive" assumptions, approach him and verify with him why he did not mention this (large purchase) television to you.

again, this is just a suggestion, for i too have a hard time thinking "positive". though, i do realize how many folks say "positive" thinking is good & healthy. and after reading your post, it dawned on me that it is our "negative" thinking that leads to our insecurities, our paranoid "feeling". sometimes, we need to step away and think more "positive".

also, btw, i have never yet met an "awesome guy" who understands my past and is supportive with my idiosyncracies. i think the reason for my own negativity is that i have not been in the "light" of positives yet. evidently, for you to acknowledge that this guy you are with is "good", then embrace it. with your acknowledgment, something must be "true" if you recognize and he understands: there must be some goodness in between (in the transaction).

just realize we all have our idiosyncracies, but it is holding onto each other and going through those bums and awkwardness of those idiosyncracies that make each other stronger and defines the love more truthful.

good luck,
a stranger

When I realize I'm in a can't win situation squeeze, I "give up" both sides. If you feel he is going to abandon you no matter what you do, like the Cheshire Cat tells Alice, it doesn't matter what you do.



So pick something interesting to experiment with. Be bolder/braver about expressing your feelings and see what happens. See if you can pay attention to the other person's response to you rather than just your own fears. Fears are often about "future" events; if you can learn to stay in the present, when your boyfriend is reassuring you and caring about you, that could be nice for you?

Hey, I'm new.
Well... I don't think I can give you any advice on how to deal with this situation, because its honestly something I'm going through myself right now. So I thought I'd just let you know that from what you wrote it seems like we're in a similar boat. I too am in a good, serious relationship with my best friend of 5 years, and the littlest things will always make me worry that "oh, because he wants to hang out with his friends, he must be getting sick of me" or "because he didn't call me on his day trip with a friend to go pick up a new car engine, he must not be thinking of me, which means he doesn't care anymore". But I have the same problem with feeling guilty as if he just pities me when he doesn't do those things. I too wasn't allowed to express emotions, especially negative ones, in my family. The rule still continues to this day. So I naturally have a lot of difficulty with it. But as you said, talking about it can trigger an even more upsetting feeling. And I know how its frustrating to be filled with so many painful feelings, always wondering if he's going to leave because I don't open up, or because when I open up it is all too much for him to take.

So wow... I can really relate. I hope you are able to work through your insecurities, as it seems like you have a good, supportive guy, and once you work through that - well things can only get better.

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Sam_I_Am said:
My question is, how do I overcome this?
Is it just going to keep getting worse and worse?

This is the first healthy relationship I've been in...why does it hurt so much?

It's to the point where I almost want to break up with him, not because of anything with him but because I can't stand the feelings it brings about in me

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I am a firm believer in the fact that we are control from within by all resolved wounds from our earlier days...... meaning if you do not heal from your past it will forever resonate old fears and insecurities in you that will disrupt and some times destroy your present relationships.

The secret here is to heal your old wounds of abandonment first, then you will not hurt so much inside..... you will be able to deal with the present relationship with your bf as it should be with out the resonation from the real person hat abandoned you when you were young.

YOUR HOMEWORK:

1.) Name the person (or person's) from your childhood that wounded you.

2.) Read this book for a better understanding of what you are going through and why.
... plus, learn how to work on healing the real issue.

http://psychcentral.com/reviews/show...8/cat/5/page/1

3.) Mentally know that the problem is not with your bf, but with your wounded past.