[Ovadya]

Mostly I think I'm posting this to get it off my chest and see what other people might think. I'm pretty confused on where I should go from here.

I'm a deeply religious individual who is currently pursuing a vocation as a priest by going to a seminary. I'm an extremely self-introspective person, as all that time in ameditation and prayer gives me the opportunity. However recently I've noticed that some long 'standing' issues that I've had may be interrelated in some way (and some of these issues, in retrospect, I can see having had for a while but I've only recently noticed.

Fear of abandonment, deep visceral empty feeling in my core, instability of close relationships (not acquantiances though), fuzzy emotional memory, depression (mostly a deep self-hatred), and emotional instability.

Now, just looking at that little list there, I keep thinking it's BPD. However, I don't want to go to a therapist or psychologist because A) I don't have the means at hand, and B) any such diagnosis would get me kicked out of the seminary despite whatever treatments I might be able to undergo.

I don't have impulse problems except for a slight spending problem beginning earlier this year. I've never attempted suicide or even gestured toward it, although I have been diagnosised with depression and am on anti-depressants. I used to have internal rage monologues with myself, but they died down as I grew older and more religious. They have come back recently though, and I often find myself yelling at my best friend for almost no reason.

The only parts of this that really give me trouble are the "emptiness", relationship and emotional instability, and short term emotional memory. I'm fairly confident that the relationship instability can be gotten over as it's consistently gotten better as I've put more and more energy into figuring out why my relationships tend to stop after a point.

So I guess I just have a few questions:

-Do you think I really need a diagnosis to overcome these problems? They're serious I know, but it's something I'd rather avoid.

-Are there any good books to deal with the emotional instability and relationship instability?

-The emotional memory (I tend to get a really fuzzy emotional picture of people after they leave my presence. It's like they slowly lose their consistency until I almost have nothing left to remember except pictures in my head) is getting distressing, does anyone know any good ways to cope with this?

[Rapunzel]

A diagnosis is not likely to help you much at all, especially if you aren't going to get treatment. You might want to consider getting these concerns worked out before you get too set into a particular life path though. Becoming a priest or a nun, etc., can seem like an appealing way to escape from problems with relationship instability, but it won't make the problems go away. I've noticed that the things that I would rather avoid are the very things that are most important for me to face directly.

There are a lot of good self-help books, and most of them work if you do the work as they suggest. I have worked with a lot of books in conjunction with therapy. I don't know enough about you or your problems to tell you which books would be most appropriate for you. Some of the more thorough ones are Charles Whitfield's books (Healing the Child Within; A Gift To Myself, etc.). They are for adult children of dysfunctional families, and they will address emotional and relationship instability. But to really address relationship issues, you need relationships to work on it in. That's one advantage of therapy - there's your practice relationship.

Your description of your emotional memory sounds a lot like dissociation. Therapy, again, would be the way to work on coping with that. You might also look up "grounding skills." There is some good information on this site that you will find if you do a search.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Ovadya

...I don't want to go to a therapist or psychologist because... any such diagnosis would get me kicked out of the seminary despite whatever treatments I might be able to undergo...

To me that does not sound like a very friendly atmosphere, or one likely to promote your own healing or growth. Do you think your assessment of their reaction is based on actual information, or is it just something you assume would happen?

[Michah]

More to the point, how important is healing? I am also deeply religious and spiritual and your situation cannot be healed by faith alone. Did God not entrust us with freewill? Being happier, more peaceful and finding contentment is an act of choice - hence freewill. If you need help to achieve this in a psychological cognitive setting you should get it. I think eventually you will make a great priest - you are more self-aware than you think and in turn you can take that to your parish or to whomever seek your counsel. But u need to try to fix you before you can wholeheartedly devote yourself to God. That way both you and God can bring something to the table. I believe it works both ways. He will reward you for your insight, compassion and humility by going on your own journey of discovery and once you have a better understanding you can take it with you as a priest and translate the will of God in a wonderful way. I do not wish to put words in the mouth of God or predict what the Universe has in store for us but that is my relationship with these entities. He is all-forgiving, all-knowing and wants for us to try to be the best that we can be. How are you any different? He will wait for you. I think you will get were you need to go. Have faith.

P.S I'm sorry if I sound a bit fanatic but I have had a bit of my own battle with the Universe lately. The reason is my sons father committed suicide on Xmas day. It certainly shook my foundations so I apologise again. I am tormented.

[StrawberryFieldsss]

My opinion is this:

A professional diagnosis will probably not make much of a difference. I am 47 and I just came to the realization today that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and I have likely had it most if not all of my adult life. I never suspected that there was a name for how I feel and interact. I fit the description almost perfectly.

I was in therapy back in the early 90s and I was not diagnosed with this. I was also told that there was no affect of depression. I attempted suicide once in my mid teens. Never did again after that. Therapy probably did help me, but I reached the point of where I was going and I was like "What am I doing here?" I just don't find it necessary anymore.

I have also been reading self help books for the majority of my life, until I became a born again Christian.

I have been able to manage it on my own, but had I known exactly what the issue was much earlier on, I could have better asked for what I needed from people and understood what I was experiencing "in the moment" to manage certain scenarios better. My faith and my beliefs are not a result of the disorder. I believe what I believe is truth.

Probably the primary area of concern would be your interpersonal contact coupled with your position of authority, which is what you seem to be the most concerned about also. Someone recommended a book that addressed interpersonal relationships specifically. If I can find the post I'll post the info here later.

Hope I helped a little! God bless you.

[Ovadya]

Thank you all for replying, it has certainly helped a lot to see the various opinions and motivations about what I should do and such. I have come to the decision, especially in light of Pachyderm's comment, to go ahead and seek treatment even if that means a diagnosis. I'll let the chips fall where they may and I'll trust God no matter the sufferings I go through.

What also prompted me is coming to the realization that all these symptoms thrown together has given me the equivalent of emotional burns across my whole being. Even the slightest touch feels like agony. It could be someone happy to see me or it could be an off handed remark but I just hurts so much because of the intensity of reaction [or in some cases a completely inappropriate response]. I definitely need help because I don't want to feel this way anymore.

So I've resolved to recontact the doctor I went to for depression and explain the situation. I think I can trust him to help me out in some way.

As for some of your recommendations, they have all helped a lot in dealing with the various problems. The "grounding" Repunzal recommended helps me from "spacing out" when the emptiness hurts too much.

I can safely say though that my religious attitudes are neither a cause of or response to my condition. One thing I would offer though is that Christianity doesn't teach an escapist mindset or a way to avoid social problems. It does instead, if seen from a very traditional view, offer a way to turn suffering, pain, and all the other tiny defeats and failures of this condition and turn them into victories. I can only say its the mystery of the cross.

Anyways: Thank you all tremendously for your advice and support, it has done wonders to help me pull myself into getting help.