[sarahxxkristine]

so, right now i am co-dependant with two people and it litreally is my entire focus in life to achieve an impossible relationship with them.
the first person is my college tennis coach. I think she is perfect. it was a 'love at first sight' sorta deal. the minute i laid eyes on her, i knew i was going to the school. I have now been playing for her for..well, since august and i never thought id deal with some of the emotional issues i am with having someone like her so close to me all the time. i push her away when i want her close...i make her so upset sometimes and enjoy it....i want affection from her but cant deal with it when i get it. i get jealous when she talks about her kids. its just a constant battle with myself to deal with her. unless she words a text the right way, i get so upset it ruins my whole day. I've finaly started trusting her and telling her some of my issues with her...and...shes really nice about it...but i dont want her to worry about me...i want to be her friend..which is unattainable (shes 37 and im 18)
The second person is my former high school teacher who i also had a 'love at first site' deal with. showered her with presents....got really upset when her class would end everyday....joined the debate team just to get the spend the weekends with her...I am not nearly as close to her as my tennis coach but i still see her about twice every month and she's finally loosening up around me and we joke and i write 10 pages about our days together in my journal. But she also presents the same issues....doesnt answer a text a certain way and i get upset...i understand shes not a texter, but it still hurts my heart. I just enjoy her presence and wish she enjoyed mine just as much. but she doesnt. and i understand that, but it hurts so much to accept it....

How do u deal with co-dependancy and how can u fix it..because i cant live like this forever. i have 3 more years with her as my coach and everyday is a struggle.

[Rapunzel]

Hi. You know what? This doesn't really sound like co-dependent to me, because these people that you are attached to sound like positive role models for you, who maintain appropriate boundaries. It just sounds like you have wishes about them filling some needs that you have to be taken care of. Those are legitimate needs. It could be a problem if you can't accept their limit-setting, or if they aren't able to maintain clear limits with you. You are nearly an adult, but you still have a great need for nurturing. That just tells me that some nurturing has been missing from your life, and you still have unmet needs. If therapy is an option for you, that would be an appropriate place for you to get some of those needs met, learn about boundaries, and become more able to focus on equal relationships with peers where you are an equal partner and don't need to be dependent. Especially since this need for nurturing seems to be torturing you, I hope that you can get some help with sorting it out.

How is your relationship with your parents?

[sarahxxkristine]

Originally Posted by Rapunzel

Hi. You know what? This doesn't really sound like co-dependent to me, because these people that you are attached to sound like positive role models for you, who maintain appropriate boundaries. It just sounds like you have wishes about them filling some needs that you have to be taken care of. Those are legitimate needs. It could be a problem if you can't accept their limit-setting, or if they aren't able to maintain clear limits with you. You are nearly an adult, but you still have a great need for nurturing. That just tells me that some nurturing has been missing from your life, and you still have unmet needs. If therapy is an option for you, that would be an appropriate place for you to get some of those needs met, learn about boundaries, and become more able to focus on equal relationships with peers where you are an equal partner and don't need to be dependent. Especially since this need for nurturing seems to be torturing you, I hope that you can get some help with sorting it out.

How is your relationship with your parents?

its really good u didnt think its codependant....i think i am relieved its not...but my relationship with my parents is good...im adopted though. i think that has a major part in all of this. thats what my T thought at least. i dont get to see her anymore...and the counselor here at school i dont find helps at all....but thank you for the reply. i really appreciate ittt

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by sarahxxkristine

i push her away when i want her close...i make her so upset sometimes and enjoy it....i want affection from her but cant deal with it when i get it. i get jealous when she talks about her kids. unless she words a text the right way, i get so upset it ruins my whole day.

Do you think unconsciously that they represent your birth mom? It is good that you are noticing this and wanting to work on it. I don't think that it sounds co-dependent either.

[Michah]

Not co-dependant, but I wonder if you are trying to engage a relationship with women that are "severely unattainable". Almost as if you are afraid to have an intimite relationship with your peers and so you focus on people that cannot fulfill your needs. You are sabotaging your own happiness because you do not believe you deserve it......

Sorry if I have crossed the line and am way off course.......your situation strikes a chord......

[sarahxxkristine]

hey guys, and michah u didnt cross any lines. i think that u guys are right. my chances of getting what i want from these women is nearly impossible. I do think they unconsciously represent my birth mom....i think im loooking for something that stems back to the adoption. But yes, i have never been interested in relationships with people my own age (well ever since i was ridiculed for an entire year in middle school for being asian) But yeah, i constantly want attention from these women ill never get and no matter how many times i say "sarah its never goin to happen get over it" one smile from them makes all the chances of detaching nearly impossible. I know as a fact that they wont be the only ones i feel this way about. In fact, they arent..i had 2 more people like these two...a 28 year old teacher and a 31 year old teacher. U know i thought it may be the mother thing...but i dont look towards older women...generally the people i attach to are young... (the one is 37..but shes gorgeous for her age) and preferably short hair....im not sure what to do about this...

[Mouse_]

You are describing how I had been my entire life...the things I did to get women to notice me...the storys I made up to get them to pity me...I'd drink up any tiny look of compassion they showed me and that would keep me going until that run out and I was back looking for more...I can now say after yrs in therapy that I no longer have this outlook, people come and go in my life and there is no desperation attached...yes I needed a mother figure and yes I need lots of compassion...I was just so empty I felt I'd never get filled up enought...well I am getting filled up enought and its so freeing being able to engage in conversation with other women without that terrible hole inside of me...I mean I'd even copy these womens mannerisms, I was just empty...now theres a me and then theres them and we meet some where inbetween but when we part, I come away the same as I entered, and have lost nothing...there is hope..

[Perna]

Me too; I felt like your story was very much like mine! I have a camp counsellor, countless teachers and coaches left in my wake like your former high school teacher, etc. I don't think you're co-dependent, you're just learning/taking in those roles and wanting to be with/like those type of women. It's kind of role playing where you know you are "safe" because they care about you and where you can play out good mother/bad mother scenarios that you might not have gotten to do "right" as a young child.

[sarahxxkristine]

thanks for sharing ur stories guys, it makes me feel alil better. I just love them alot. like as of right now ive sent texts to both of them..and if they dont respond i know imma be so upset lol. but im learning to not expect an answer.....i think my coach has gotten countless "im sorry" texts for stupid things i did that i remember and feel she would too...then she texts back and says 'its no big deal' or she doesnt even remember it. its because im one of 8 people on the team...and all of us have done something one time or another to get on her nerves or did something that maybe she didnt like....so her focus is never exactly on me....which is probably why she doesnt remember it....but my full focus all the time is on her...and thats why when i do things like that i feel like she remembers it and is angry about it...so i send a "im sorry" text to ensure that i apologised for whatever went down that day.