Triggered

I saw pdoc today and he said it is disassociation - he says my head is so full of the things that have surfaced since T left that I am on autopilot - so at least I know what it is.

((((((((phoenix7)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
take it one step at a time and breath
please know i care
kind one
and you matter

did pdoc have any suggestions on how to cope with it, P7?

i find music really helps me. or naming all the things in the room around me. but i think all of this gets covered in that 'grounding techniques' sticky.

he said things just have to settle and I will be like this till they do..... I try the grounding techniques but the problem is that i am not aware i am drifting till after it happens - and then I cant remember what happened .....

I dont know if I took my tablet... anti d ? i am so confused..... dont want to go to work tomorrow but we are short staffed...... dunno..... dont know how much longer I can do this for....

Hey, I just wanted to make contact with you. I have PTSD too, and a few weeks ago I had a very disturbing associative experience which brought out a reckless, self-destructive part of myself previously unacknowledged.

The incident felt like 'something snapped' and I went on autopilot. Shared the heck out of me and could have had more disasterous results than the already disruptive results it offered me and anyone around me.

I just wanted to reach out and let you know you're not alone.

I did go off to a seminar/retreat that offered me tools that helped ground me.

One that helps me now--because it was the intrusion of flashbacks and negative memory that caused my dissociation--is to invite the possibility of positive memory to have a place in my life.

At the workshop two internal focusing techniques really had a profound effect on me.

One was to remember a time when I felt really loved. And you could use anything including a puppy or a teddy bear. I'm lucky to have a partner for the last 24 years and she came to mind for me. Then its to make the memory as vivid and sensual as possible. To really feel the sensations of warmth and glow that come from the memory of what it feels like to be loved.

Another exercise that was similar regarding positive memory was to recall a time when someone had really paid attention to me in listening and I felt completely met in the present and heard. I remembered my therapist that I saw back in the eighties. She used to sit with her arms wide open and just listen to me with her full being--so deeply that she would cry when I couldn't cry about a story I was telling about my abuse. The instruction was to go into the sensations of the body and the memory of what that was like.

I thought I'd share that because in my experience at this stage of my therapy, I feel I need these positive installations.

The post workshop instructions were to at night review the day and recall small moments when things were kind of 'ok' or there was a moment of presence and relaxation, such as the dog licking my hand or the cat purring in my lap or some view I saw of a flower--or some small delight like that. To begin capturing these kinds of positive memories.

I just thought that story may offer you something.

I think when we are in the middle of PTSD recovery it's like we are paying selective attention to everything that is wrong with us and our past, and we even think WE ARE that bad memory or feeling. We are a whole lot bigger than that negative memory--however vivid and horrible things really were back then.

We survived and we owe it to ourselves to take back the joy and the aliveness and the love and affection that are available or at least a possibility in our lives. Take care,

sky

You should get one those little plastic seven day pill dispensers.

You have gone through so much in the last couple of weeks. You must be emotionally exhausted.
There's not to much you can do when your brain says: I've had enough for now. I'm taking a vacation.

Are you getting much sleep? Like deliquesce said: Music really helps, as long as it's the right kind. I used to listen to old Moody Blues albums at a very low volume every night before bed “They weren't old at the time, so I guess that dates me”. For me, they're music created a quiet little safe place where I could relax and just let my mind wander a bit. I slept much better that way. Days of Future Passed was my favorite.
Whatever the music, if it's relaxing, sounds good at low volume, captures your imagination, and makes you feel comfortable, it certainly will help. If you start drifting too far, just open your eyes for a second or two.
Sleep is so important. Lack of just ramps everything up to another level.

Tears in my eyes
sadness in my heart
stupid little trigger
tearing me apart

Nice verse, you should write some more... when you're feeling up to it.

I have a question: What's an mpatient?

(((((((((((((((( phoenix ))))))))))))))))

grrrrrrr with you

Thanks Skydancer, Pdoc tried to do somthign similar with me but my mind kept putting in negatives - like

you are safe now - no im not there is no safe place

you are worthwhile - you only think that cos you dont know me

you are valued - no I am worthless

you are strong - weak and pathetic - so stupid i cant learn

last time he did this i listened and imagined and was in the moment - this time i could not be - he said that was ok - it just was where I was at the moment and things would settle - he said it is my conscious mind trying to protect me - by saying expect nothing and you will not be let down again... usually I can self soothe - tell my self things are ok - but I know they're not -.... sigh... see....

Bruce - thanks - no not sleeping much...... pill thingy good idea - I wrote on the box last night how many tablets in box and what the date was - its just disturbing to not know what you have done a few mintues ago.....

Fuzzybear - thanks for the Grrrr - Im more in a sigh..... at the moment!