[Elysium]

I don't understand it...?

We were born. They say they wanted us. We're why they got married. But they left. And then they'd come back only they'd forget to stop leaving.

Why weren't we good enough for the momma and the daddy to stay and not ignore us. Why did the momma not care about us. She gave us hugs and make us dinner, but she leave us alone by ourselves when we was little. We woke up and no one was there. The momma left us and we was to small to reach the phone. We was only two. Why weren't we good enough for momma to take us with her.

When we was littler, we was less than two. Momma wasn't watching...she wasn't paying no attention. She in the house, left us in the backyard alone. The big doggy bit our face off. Had to go to hospital. They tied us down. I couldn't move. Why weren't we good enough to watch when we was little?

And when the killer broke out of jail, the police man said to lock doors and windows and stay inside. We were three. Police men walking through our yards with guns. Walking on our fences looking for bad men. Momma left us alone in the house to go visit the neighbors. We was by ourselves and we was scared.

We grows up older, 4..5..6..7..8..No baths at night time. Only shower once a week. Momma didn't care we wore same panties all week. Daddy told us we smelled and wouldn't hold us or let us near him. Daddy didn't care if we took bath neither, just make us feels bad. Only cared if we go out with him then supposed to be clean as clean...make him look good. Kids at school ran away..called us names, pulled our hair. They spit on us and hit us and pushed us on the ground over and over again. They laughed at our voice. No friends. Why weren't we good enough to have friends?

Some peoples new daddy was mean, specially momma. Momma watched, never said no. No one said no. My families ignore me. Daddy says I handful and cause problems. Brother left too. Ran away. Went to live with girlfriends family and didn't take me with him. Why wasn't I good enough for family to see me. Why weren't we good enough for brother to save us? Why didn't we deserve to be saved?

Climbed out window and walked a mile to the gas station. Would have been dead if daddy found out. Had a quarter for the phone. Called the lady at the childrens and family office. Told her I wanted to be put up for adoption. Said she was a social worker. Asked for help for adoption. She laughed and hung up. No help. Nobodies coming to help. Why weren't we good enough for the peoples to help?

Daddy's friend got drunks. He alcoholic. Played footsies with momma under the table at dinners. Momma didn't say nothin. Daddy kept pouring the drinks. In my jammies on the couch. Uncle Ken said come sit with him and watch TV. Daddy watchin tv too. Uncle Ken hurt us. Made us touch secret places in front of daddy. Touched our secrets too. Didn't like it...scared...yucky man secrets. Tried to leave. Daddy sent us to our room and told us to take Uncle Ken. Daddy made us go alone with yucky drunk man. Drunk man alone in room push us against wall and puts yucky, drunk tongue in my mouth. Says he loves me. I push him and he almost fall down. Momma opens door and comes in. Says dessert ready. Knows somethings wrong. Can tell on her face. She leaves...walks out...closes the door behind her. Don't member after that. Why weren't we good enough for momma daddy to save us? Daddy, momma new yucky, drunk man hurt his own little girl. Still let him come around.

Daddy tried to strangle me. Momma watched. Left marks on my neck. Hit me lots. Momma yelled and pulled at daddy. Daddy pushed her. Tried to call police. Daddy ripped phone out of wall. Locked myself in daddy's room. Afraid he break the door down. Called police from daddy's room. Cried real bad. Got real quiet. Thought momma dead. Police came. Cried more. Begged em to take me away. Begged em to take daddy away. Police look at my neck and say "just minor redness." Daddy says was just disciplining me cause I got made him mad. Police say daddy can discipline all he wants. He the daddy. Help came...help left...without us. Why weren't we good enough for help to help?

Now we's grown up. Still not good enough for momma and daddy. Momma and daddy still leavin. Never good enough. Talk to much about the bad times. Daddy says didn't happen. Momma still ignoring me.

Goin to T. Tried to be good...get better...not working. Why aren't we good enough to get better?

Everybody leaves us. Hate me, hurt me, love me, leave. That is life. This is life.

Too much more hurts to go on with. Can't stop thinking bout all the hurts. Can hear words in our head. Can see pictures in our head. Can hear laughing. Laughing at us. All the hurts are laughing at us.

Why weren't we good enough?

[deliquesce]

beautiful elysium, i don't know what to say, but i can offer safe cuddles and hugs ((((elysium)))).

my heart breaks that so many people let you down. you were more than "good enough" - you were grave, you were brave, you were a wonderful little child who deserved to be kept safe.

i wish i had a magic wand to erase all the hurt and make you believe in your worth the way that you should.

take care, sweetie .

(((Elysium3006)))))))) big hug

(((deliquesce ))) you can barrow mine

[(JD)]

((((ELYSIUM))))) This has nothing to do with you being good enough or not. Once again, this is about the other people not being good enough to be parents. This is about their own limitations and perhaps even their own mental illnesses.

You have been through so much! But you have gone through it, and now it's in the past. You say they still come and leave...but now you can control that. I know that it's natural to love your parents. As adults we love them because of a natural bond perhaps. But for you and others, you also want to love them into becoming the parents they should have been in the past. You want to recapture what you didn't get, what you feel you still need.

Talking with a therapist or other knowledgeable people will help you come to grips about your parents. It's really hard to realize that while they might have loved you (you said they did marry because ... and that they kept coming back...) they didn't know how or what that involved, did they? Now you can realize that the abuse you suffered was all abou them, and their bad actions and terrible inaction. They would have done this with any child they had. It wasn't because of you.

Every human has an innate worth. They didn't take your worth away, but they did damage your ability to find it within yourself. You can though. It might take admitting that your parents weren't good, regardless of how hard they tried. They didn't get help to find out how to raise you right, to show you real love. You, as an adult can do that for yourself now. You can seek help to realize you have worth, that you are worthwhile and worth taking the time to know that you aren't your parents' idea of a child. You are so much more!

[Sannah]

(((((((((((((Elysium)))))))))) I am glad that you are in therapy.......

[darkrunner]

Elysium - I'm sorry for all you went through.
I know it might be hard for you to accept, but you WERE and ARE good enough.

Elysium,

I hear, understand, i feel you're words

You so very very special

[Asylum Crew]

(((((((Elysium))))))

sorry you have been through so much
here listening to you

Ella

[phoenix7]

(((((Elyssium3006))))

you were and are good enough -( - if thats ok)

it wasnt you that wasnt good enough it was your parents - they did not love and protect you as they should have - that is NOT your fault - they were damaged and you suffered for it.

im sorry the police and the child protection services didnt help you - so often they dont listen to the cries of the children and take the adults word - it breaks my heart.

Why arnt you good enough to heal - YOU ARE - it takes time - a long time - its hard and you can do it - we will walk wiht you every step of the way - stand next to you and help you if you will let us - you are worthwhile - you do deserve to be healed - you can get through this - T will help you - it was over a long time that you were hurt and it will take time to heal -

please know that you ARE GOOD ENOUGH!

I want to fill this page with hugs - but I dont know if they are welcome so I will just say that as you can see by this thread there are a lot of peopole who will be here to help you if you need us.

take care

P7

Sometimes the wound has to drain a little more before it can fully heal.

It's easier for me to say "I wasn't worth it -- I must've been defective" -- and blame myself rather than to admit to the reality that I wasn't cared for in the way children should be. I need to learn how to attach the anger and grief to the right people instead of -- as my first defense-- turning it back on me.

Maybe we can stumble though this together.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( Elysium ))))))))))))))))))

[PTSD]

Elyssium3006

I am so sorry to hear about your tribulations...it's so hard to deal with parents like yours....I have had a very hard childhood too, and I really understand what you're talking about. I wish there was something I could do to help you heal those deep wounds and take away the pain.

(((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))

[phoenix7]

How are you now Elyssium?

[Elysium]

Hi everyone!!

Thank you all so much for your WOWs (words of wisdom) and your caring posts.

I'm not sure which one of us really authored that post. I think maybe it was Chrissy, but I'm not sure. It seems the littler ones are starting to be allowed to come forward and write more. This is probably a good thing.

We discussed these issues with our T's and we all agree that these feelings are being triggered by the fact that I am having to transition to a new T, which I don't really want to do. My old T doesn't feel like she has the skills to work with my DID and has referred me on to a colleague of hers. Our new T is nice, but there is a lot of fear, anger, and grieving over leaving our old T. A lot of us feel like if we were being better patients, we wouldn't have to leave T.

I really appreciate the support you all give me.

I am hanging in there, but have had a frustrating day. But, I am feeling a bit better than I was, so that's good...

[phoenix7]

It takes a good T to recognise that someone else can help you better - I hope the new T works out for you - you didnt do anything wrong - think of this as progress - this new T may have just the approach or guidance you need - take care P7

[Sannah]

It's so sad...i understand just what you mean. i hope your transition progresses more smoothly for you but it's all understandable. i admire the healthy way you embrace your parts. Safe hugs to you and yours.