[ScaredSad]

I'm usually a reliable wordsmith. I can almost always come up with a comforting turn of phrase for a friend or a client. I can usually articulate my feelings in a non-threatening way. Right now, though, I just don't know how to make sentences that explain how I'm feeling about my life.

It's like all of this energy is stopped right in my chest and it's so heavy that I can barely breathe. I even have some nagging pain in my shoulder blades, right behind where the heaviness has settled. It feels like my neck is swelling in and compressing my throat. Nothing is physically comfortable... no position sitting or lying down.

I have too much information to process. I've been living with my tormentors since January and there's no room for denial. As I saw them for what they were/are, I've began to see myself for what I was/am/and have the potential to become. It is just so conflicting and confusing and outright depressing.

On paper, you can pick and choose what you share. So, on paper, I look great. My resume is stacked and my social calendar can be full if I so desire. Off paper, I'm a flipping basketcase. I've never been a fully reliable employee (longest job, 18 months) because at the drop of the hat, I allow my family to crush me and I withdraw from all other things in my life. For the same reason, I've never been a fully reliable friend or romantic partner.

That's the hardest part for me. I live this dual life. People see me and expect me to be the normal person my outside represents. If I looked more broken, I honestly feel I'd have an easier pass at life. I'd have fewer people disappointed in me becuase they'd never raise their expectations. I am capable of success but underneath I'm still the epitome of failure.

I support the people who do nothing but tear me down. Sure, they buy me the occasional brownie or steak or once a month, they might bring me water. They don't acknowledge my 30th birthday nor do they respect me enough not to steal from me or refrain from abusing me. I'm here and I gave up everything I worked for to be here and "help" them... but it's only cementing my dysfunction.

Am I allowed to walk away? Am I allowed to just ditch all of my past failures and start tomorrow and say, "hey, I'm this new and improved great person. I only want to be the person on paper. I don't want to be the person on paper with the extra, unprinted chapters." Am I allowed to just leave all of that negative stuff in the past?

Is it socially accepted to meet and marry a man without telling him about being beaten bloody by my mother? Am I allowed to raise children without them knowing that I once overdosed on pills because I was upset over an idiot boy who couldn't even spell? Is it possible for me to move forward in life without all of the baggage of the last 30 years?

Has anyone ever really let go and moved on from rape? from poor personal sexual choices? from physical abuse? from financial ruin? from lack of a family? from lack of solid personal relationships? from obesity? from chronic illness? Is there anyone on this earth who is honestly recovered and fully functioning now?

I don't want to be a Debbie-downer but it seems like in my experiences, the only ones who have the high functioning lifestyles are the ones who never had the plethora of nasty crap in their lives anyway. The ones who had the loving families and friends. I'm not saying their lives were perfect, not by any means, but there's a definite difference between two people who grew up in polar opposite lifestyle arrangements. Does that difference ever lessen?

I'm just beginning to doubt that I can walk away. It's not logically fair. I don't see how society would let someone just walk away from their mistakes, from their pedigree, from their destiny as pre-determined by socioeconomics, etc. I'm at the lowest of the low and I can daydream every night about the house I'll get, the car I'll get, the job I'll get... but the truth is that I'm so far away from all of those things that they are totally unlikely.

So, that's where I am right now. I'm a dang mess. A hot mess. I am so stuck and they are so dependent on me. If I pull out, go back to MY life, they will just burst out with even more horrid abuse and guilt trips and I honestly think I'm too fragile to survive that sort of acceleration in abuse. I'm too wounded after 12 months where I watched my entire life melt into their life... leaving me with nothing and them having EVERY benefit of me.

I hate myself... the only thing I like about myself right now is my potential but I just don't see how that is even realistic to consider right now. The numbers don't add up. I just don't even understand how the rest of the world sees me. It's clearly not how I think they do... because they aren't hiring me and I think I'm quite hire-able. They recruit me via phone/email with great enthusiasm and the interviews go well, by my standards, and then, I never hear from them again... responses to my emails go unanswered despite a promise of more communication. Since that's the only interaction I have to gauage the responses of others right now, I'm sort of seeing myself through the eyes of only people who think I'm not worthy. Not worthy of parental love... not worthy of a new position. I'm just not worthy.

Ok, does this win some sort of longest post ever prize? Im going to quit whining now and go find someone to support. That helps more than anything.... just connecting. Thanks for listening.

[tryingtobeme]

So much you put in here. Just a few things...maybe my words won't help...this is what/how I see you as a person based on what you said. I encourage you to keep working on yourself and I believe things will come together for you and you can become the great and wonderful person that you really are (as you say is on paper).

[quote=ScaredSad;1095283]
Am I allowed to walk away? Am I allowed to just ditch all of my past failures and start tomorrow and say, "hey, I'm this new and improved great person. I only want to be the person on paper. I don't want to be the person on paper with the extra, unprinted chapters." Am I allowed to just leave all of that negative stuff in the past?

I don't think we really just walk away from our past. I think our past has shaped us who we are today, but through therapy, meds, and hard work we can become that person that is on paper (that person you want to be)

Am I allowed to raise children without them knowing that I once overdosed on pills because I was upset over an idiot boy who couldn't even spell? I believe you can raise your children to be wonderful people and your children do not need to know all the hardships in your life...since you are working on getting it all under control (unless you really want to share it with them when they are old enough to understand)

Is it possible for me to move forward in life without all of the baggage of the last 30 years? Again, you can become the person that you see on paper and that makes the baggage become less and less important.

Has anyone ever really let go and moved on from rape? I had CSA and no I don't believe you let it go, but you do have to forgive youself and know that you was not in the wrong, your rapist was.

from poor personal sexual choices? You probably made those choices
because of your rape?

from physical abuse? from lack of a family? from lack of solid personal relationships? Again probably not your fault due to all the pain and hurt you have endured...give yourself some forgivness

Is there anyone on this earth who is honestly recovered and fully functioning now? I believe any of us that are in recovery, can fully function...take a small task that you do and do very well...you do this because you are functioning...eventually I think we can get to where our lives functional correctly most of the time and possible all the time.

Maybe none of this makes sense and doesn't help you. I wish you these best though and take care. PM if you want to talk more

[Pomegranate]

Simple short answer, YES! You are allowed to walk away and take care of yourself and be happy. It's your right and more important it's what you NEED to do to take care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally.

It won't be EASY (easy is very different from simple), and it will take lots of hard work and maybe even professional help on your part but if you want your life to change, it's yours to do so. It can be done - maybe not to the "perfect" ideal you have in mind, but you may be able to get much closer than you are now. Good luck to you.

[Pikku Myy]

Yes You deserve a normal life Hugs!!

[Irine]

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

I don't think we really just walk away from our past. I think our past has shaped us who we are today, but through therapy, meds, and hard work we can become that person that is on paper (that person you want to be)

Is it possible for me to move forward in life without all of the baggage of the last 30 years? Again, you can become the person that you see on paper and that makes the baggage become less and less important.

There ARE moments..its seems to me,...that you can feel like its not there, the baggage of the past. If you focus on the future you can feel better, but other than that...I dont know...

I think life is a paradox. I agree with that - and it seems to me - that maybe BECAUSE our past designed us to be the way we are - can i say that it sort of "merges" into us and we CAN leave it behind. We are changed by it but when the chage happenes - maybe there is no need to hold on to it.
As for the abuse part - i dont know... not sure. But it IS possibel to make it better - so that it doesnt overwhelm you all the time.

[multipixie9]

Dear S Sue,

A child growing up in dysfunction and abuse develops a warped view of self and life. By the time one is grown the patterns are set and they still affect how a person lives. I know because I've been there.

HOWEVER, change is entirely possible. I got some help that taught me new ways to think and live. It took much time and effort and a lot of struggles, but I have changed and I am so much more than I thought. As a child I felt I deserved nothing good and I seemed to attract the bad, the sick and the abusive that was all I felt "eligible" for. I began to learn how to stop living the old patterns and to do things differently so that I could have a different life.

You do NOT deserve to be abused, no one does and You are not the negative things your family says you are. Your family knows how to manipulate you for their own sick needs, out of their own sick minds, hearts and lives. They use you instead of loving you and they are wrong.

Change is hard because as bad as the past has been it is familiar and because of that it is uncomfortable and hard to change - BUT not impossible.

To help myself I read books, went to 12 step programs at times, went to therapy and developed my spiritual life in having a relationship with God. I hung around with healthier people and began to see what health looked, felt like. It takes time and willingness.

NOW, your real question to me is "OK, now you did all this, ARE you healthy and high functioning"? The honest answer is that I am far better than I've ever been before, but I have a long way to go. I was abused physically, sexually, emotionally and spiritually for a number of years. I saw some horrors and was forced to do things that were so terrible I avoided even remembering them for almost 50 years. However, I beat out both of my sibs from this home: one is dead at age 50 and one disappeared in 1978 and never was heard from again. I am actually the one who has managed to be married for 29+ years and I have two daughters and they live functional good lives, so I managed to be a decent mom. The people who abused me programmed me to commit suicide before I ever told what happened to me and in spite of that I am still here and they are all dead now.

OK, this is rivaling your post in length, but I want you to hear that you can heal, change, improve and grow - if you are willing to pursue health and not quit even when it gets difficult. I hope you can find the willingness to do this FOR YOUR OWN SELF. You are worth it.

My pm is open to you if you would like to talk more. There are so many people here who can relate to you and will support you as you seek the health you need and want. I want it for you too.

Leslie

[(JD)]

You are allowed to do whatever is in your own best interest.