Just Venting.....

I am so fustrated... I can not get motivated at all. I have not been getting dressed skipping a day or two not showering which I would never do before! I started seeing a counseler and pcd around the 21st and was put on Celexa and Zanax. I avoid the Zanax (.25mg) I does not help and the pcd even doubled the dose twice a day and then I was out like light! So I told him this over the phone and he said go back to one every eight hours but I did nothing so I stopped. I have not been able to sleep at night so I tried to take two and nothing! I did not knock me out like before...I have not taken since and I still can't sleep. When I finally do sleep I hit my dream state in the morning and then I start having dreams or nightmares about my ex boyfreind who was a crazy druggie, drunk who had abused me and could have killed me numerous times. I can not tell my husband about this as I think it will hurt his feelings I have these dreams about my ex. I was diganoised with severe anxiety, PTSD and they are also looking at PMDD. I was abused as a child physically, sexually, and mentally. I have had bad relationships through out my life and if I get into details I would be writing a book here. I know for a fact that I don't just have PTSD from my childhood but also from my other relationship experiences also. It has been a very hard and hurtful 38 years and now everything has come to a head every since my brother been diagnosed with leukiema and has been in the hospital for over a year and I can't face the fact he may not make it. I had not seen him for 13 years(until last summer) and hardley talked to my family because the moved almost 20 hrs away and I could never get there to see them and I always felt I had nothing to talk to them about because we lived different lives and I had been gone for so long (I left home at 16 and cried to myself for missing my mom and still do to this day I hate the fact that our lives are passing and I love her so much and lost so much time with her). I feel so horrible! Now I call him all the time and my mother also. I am feeling the pressure build that if he passes I am not going to be able to function..I can just feel it!!!!! I don't think I can deal withis happening. My family does not know I am out of work or my problems. I don't want them worring about me when my brother is so sick and battling this so hard. Also I don't want them to know because it also stems from my father and my mother does not deserve to be upset any more than what she is going thru. I wish I was as strong as her!
I hate that I can't hold it together I feel like such a loser! My brother is battling for his life and I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I feel so selfish but I can't fight it and it make me physically sick!

hello mismis. Its ok to think of yourself. That is just fine. You have several things that have all come togeather at one time to make you feel like this. Your past is enough by all by itself. Normally those things will come out at this time in your life. Take care.

safe hugs to you!!!

Mismis it's o.k. to feel sorry for yourself! You are going through a lot! I'm so sorry your meds aren't working for you.
I'm sure you're wishing that you could at least sleep. I know in the past when I've had times like these I've wished that I could sleep. Have asked your T. about possibly using trazadone. That's what I been taking for years to help me sleep. Even now I can sleep without it and it's been around 30 years since I was first diagnosed with PTSD.

I have to go to the doctor and counseler on Wednesday so I gues I will have to wait and see what they say. All I know is my anxiety and willness to get up dressed and leave the house has gotton very severe and I have been clenching my teeth alot now..this is something I haven't told the doctor yet as it has just been getting worse and I notice it now. I keep catching myself clenching my teeth when I am awake and when I am sleeping ( I wake up doing it). I have also been having spasms in my head that just make me cringe and make my eyes shut hard and I just hold my head till it stops. When I finally do fall asleep I wake up very weak and shakey and my jaws clatters very badly and takes a while from waking up to stop. This all really stinks! If it is not one thing or another! It is very fustrating!

Dear mismis ~ It almost sounds like you are having med side effects, but I don't think Celexa causes anything like that - or Xanax for that matter. You should probably report these feelings in you head and teeth to you MD and pdoc both. I know that I grind my teeth, and I worry that it is a side effect of Reglan, which I take for esophageal spasms. So it's hard to say. Also, I have read, and experienced, electric feels going through my head, when I was withdrawing from Cymbalta. Hopefully, you will discover the cause of this and/or it was pass. I know the feeling of being so unmotivated. I tend to stay in bed at least every other day and to shower only when I have to go out. Thankfully, I do have to go out for various things! Praying for you ~ billieJ

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I have had the teeth clenching before in the past before meds and doctors (when I was very stressed out along with very bad hives)
I have not been taking the xanax. I don't think it is from the meds either but just the stress level and still does not seem like the meds are working at all. I have been on them since the 21st but instead of getting better I have been getting worse. I have been having the stress sweating also ( I usaually only sweat when I am stressed and this happened in the past when I has being abused and nervous and scared)also have been losing weight about 4-5lbs in a couple weeks(which I only do when stressed) Even though I have only been on the meds for a short time shouldn't I have some progress fowards not backwards?

Hi mismis,
I have a friend that use to do the same thing and get severe headaches from forcing the teeth together. It was stress like you are talking about. My friend calmed down and the problem eased up, by thinking of a place that made her smile. It took some several days of practice but it helped. Hope you can find a place and feel better. Take care.

Still can't sleep! I was awake all night. I just tossed and turned and everytime I thought I was going to sleep my arms or legs would feel like there was no circlulation and my back, head and hips would hurt and I would just toss and turn. I am having very bad headaches. I saw the dr and counselor last week and they added a new med..buspirone and upped the celexa. I had a very bad anxiety attack when I got to the dr office and just fell apart. It was horrible! I just could not control myself at all.
I went back to the Dr today and counselor tomorrow. I told him about the physical symtoms and he upped the buspirone now! I fell like crap and look horrible. My head is just going to explode and I need to sleep and everything is just getting worse instead of better! This is so fustrating!!!!!!