4 a.m

I didn't really know where this would go, I"m most comfterable posting here on in surviors forum..

I woke up at 4:30am this morning and lept out of bed in a start what triggered me I don't know the most logically explination is a dream, I launched out of bed shaking and having a panic attack, was jumpy, disoriented, and extremly pairnoid, I got up checked every lock in the house and tried to catch my breathe in the kitchen, it felt like everything was spinning out of control... I almost went to the hospital, considered waking up my parents and asking them to take me, then considered getting dressed and taking myself, finally I just slinked back to my room and rode it all out

I lapsed and self injured, then crawled into bed, I couldn't get to sleep, I tossed and turned and ended up leaping out of bed everytime I feel asleep....

I've been so jumpy all day, this impending sense of doom washing over me, I've been hyperviglient, every noise makes me jump and gasp in suprise, I feel myself isolating, withdrawing from everyone, parinoa creeping in my mind keeps telling me "trust noone"

I always get like this around Christmas and Easter, it doesn't help thsi week has been incredibly stressful and full of loss.

I"m scared I"m going to have a breakdown, I feel selfish for writing this, I keep telling myself I have to be strong its wrong of me to fall apart now people need me., one minute I"m okay and the next I'm falling apart again, my moods are going crazy, I feel I am going to fly off the handel, I'm so terrified of having one of my episodes (hallucinations, dislussions, extreme parinoa and isolation)

I just had to get it out, put it somewhere, lock it away in a box, or on paper in hopes it will leave me alone, it will all just leave me alone, wash away like a bad dream or a stain in the wash..

too many emotions, too many memories, too much stresss, too much fear....

I know how hard it can be to have the PTSD flare up.

(((((((((( Typo ))))))))))))

I am so exhausted, I don't want to face the world... I can't sleep, can't focus.........

Can you try some slow deep breathing exercises. Do things that make you feel relaxed -listening to calm music, etc.

I am trying to do some deep breathing, I'm about to go pull my yoga mat out (for some reason I find it to be a safe ground spot) and try and relax, there is just too much noise and light for me today, I don't know how I"m going to survive work tongiht, ti's so noisey and chaotic

I just watn quiet, I want peace, I watn stabilty, everything keeps piling up on top of me, one disaster after another this week on top of all the holiday triggers..

I am safe I am safe, I am calm, I just have to remind myself, of that safe and calm safe and calm

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((((typo)))) I'm sorry you're going through this. I can relate to so much of you wrote in your posts. I don't know if that helps you at all, but I and others here really do understand how you feel. You are not alone.
I have a safe spot, too, like you mentioned with your yogo mat. I'm glad you have that and you can feel more grounded there. And keep telling yourself, you are safe, you are safe.
I want to thank you for finding the courage & strength to write here, it helps me a lot to see that other people have the same thoughts and feelings and reactions that I do.
I know this week has been a hard one in a lot of ways for you, and for a lot of us. I hope things calm down soon.

(((((((((((((( Typo ))))))))))))))

thank you everyone so much for your responses.

I seem to be stablizing now, I actually slept over 5 hours and am feeling more alive and vibrant today. I made it through the storm, now I"m just nervous on hwo to describe it all to T when I see her next week..

sending many peaceful loving thoughts you you all
Typo

Typo !!! I am so so happy to hear this!! As to telling T - it might be easier to write out what you want to say and print it off and carry it with you - or if you have a T journal, put it in there. Let her read it if you do not want to say the words and she can ask you questions if she needs to. That is what I do :-)