normalacy

I feel like I'm never going to be normal. That I'm never going to be able to live a normal life. Instead I am always going to be terrified of everything. I didn't used to be like this. I used to love going out and doing things. But now I'm too afraid of something bad happening. But at the same time I feel guilty for feeling this way. My attack wasn't that bad. I wasn't raped. People have been through so much more and dealt with it fine. I am attacked and I can't even keep from jumping at noises. I have nightmares and avoid anything that might possibly lead to thoughts of intimacy. It makes me feel dirty. I feel guilty for being such a whiner about something that was over so quickly and given that my memory of the event is spotty, why is it causing me so many problems. I feel guilty for having so many problems. I feel like it takes attention away from people who have survived much worse experiences.
Any advice? Please don't condemn me.

I have no idea what a normal life is. If there is a norm, I expect it is a composite arrived at by consensus. For me, the idea is to accept I have issues that require my attention. Instead of feeling guilty or making comparisons with others, I choose to use the often limited energy I have to resolve the issues. There are times I must concede I cannot resolve my issues without help. Just the same, the focus is on what I can do. Getting better requires vigilance, perseverance and reasonable expectations. Life will always be a work in process. We can choose to embrace the process or not. I still cancel days for lack of interest, but I do so realizing my level of functioning is and always will be my responsibility.

Good luck.

Googley-
You are not a whiner. Maybe by minimizing your pain you are masking it, trying to make it seem like it is not there?
I want to validate what happened to you, and let you know that you have every right to feel like you do and to be helped to feel better. As a wise friend (I met here) once told me "Your pain is your pain" - whatever anyone else through can't take away from what YOU went through.

Also, from what I have read about PTSD, something that is traumatic for one person may not be traumatic for another person. It is very individual. I was watching a movie a couple of weeks ago about a plane crash, and some of the survivors were all messed up and couldn't sleep, and some of the survivors were fine, like nothing had happened.
It sounds like what happened to you was very scary, and possibly a situation in which you had no control and feared death.
THAT is traumatic.

Gahhh - sorry to ramble on so long. I guess I can really identify with how you're feeling. Sorry.

Googley - never apologize for or feel like your feelings aren't "important" enough. They're real and they're important to you. And there's no competition when it comes to trauma. If an event is sufficiently traumatic to you, then it's traumatic.

Can you ever be normal? Well I'm not sure I know what normal is - I've heard it's overrated. But it is possible to learn to manage the PTSD symptoms, and with proper therapy to process the trauma, so that it's no longer as traumatic and doesn't interfere with how you live your life.

It doesn't sound like you're doing therapy with anyone, correct me if I'm wrong, but what has helped me is working with a very good therapist who is a trauma specialist. We've used EMDR very effectively to help me process past traumas, but we still have a ways to go, but I will say I'm coping much better.

As for going out without fear, can you start with small trips, with a friend, like maybe going out for a coffee during the day, or to the grocery store. The more you experience going out as safe, the easier it will be for you to do on your own.

Good luck.

--splitimage

Darkrunner-
Thank you for your support. I have been fighting this feeling since I was attacked that it didn't "count". That for it to count it would have to be worse. I think that your idea about trying to pretend it didn't happen and that I didn't have the fear and pain of it is true. It happened and I just went back to class like nothing happened. Then when I tried to report it everyone treated it like it was nothing. No one offered to help. The only reason I kept telling it to the person higher in authority was because I felt that I might get help, but it never happened. I just had to keep acting like nothing had happened. I pretty much lost the last month and a half of school. But I kept going back because that was all I knew how to do. Had a been a student who skipped school, then maybe I wouldn't. But all I knew how to do was go to school. And the only reason I can be sure that I went to school was there were no automated calls to my parents telling them I wasn't in school. In a way I can't believe that I kept going back to where it happened. (like nothing had happened). I think you are right that if I kept telling myself that nothing happened then there was no reason for me to have any feelings attached to the event.

Splitimage-
Thanks for the support. I actually am seeing a T right now. We are just starting to deal with the trauma stuff. This is the first time I've really been able to access my feelings about it. The way that I feel about it, and the fears that I have about intimacy because of it. The feeling that I'm never going to be normal because at this point I'm 26 and have never been on a date. I was ambiguous in my mention of being able to go out. I go to school and shopping and can go to coffee with friends. It is more my fears around going somewhere that I don't know someone already. And I know part of that is my social anxiety that I have been suffering with before I was attacked. But now it is just more. My wanting to be able to do things that normal people my age do (go to concerts-if I had music I really enjoyed) but know the experience would be overwhelming, and not just the people but the noise etc.

I know that "normal" is a misnomer and everyone will say that there really is no normal. However, I believe there is a range of normal that most people experience and I am outside that range. My grandfather is probably going to die soon. I will need to fly to go to his funeral. However, I have panic attacks about the idea of having to go through security and possibly be patted down. While I am working on this in T. This is not what I would consider normal. I wish I only had to deal with the normal anxieties that people do when dealing with this sort of situation. Ie. did I contact my professors, do i have a hotel to stay at, do I have a car I can drive when I'm there etc. Everything outside of that for me is in addition to normal. I just want to have to deal with the usual suspects. Not all my suspects that decide to catch a ride on my back.

The World Health Organization tells us mental health is more than the absence of mental disorders:

Mental health can be conceptualized as a state of well-being in which the individual realizes his or her own abilities, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and is able to make a contribution to his or her community.

Which, of course, begs the question, what are normal stresses of life? Perhaps this article from the Mayo Clinic may be useful:

Stress: Win control over the stress in your life

Your body's stress reaction was meant to protect you. But when it's constantly on alert, your health can pay the price. Take steps to control your stress.

Stress is a normal psychological and physical reaction to the demands of life. But when you're unable to cope well with the stress in your life, your mind and body may pay the price.

Your body is hard-wired by nature to react to stress in a way originally meant to protect you against perceived threats from predators and aggressors. But today's many demands may include managing a huge workload, making ends meet, taking care of aging parents as well as young children, and simply making it through the morning rush hour. You may feel overwhelmed by these daily stressors and wonder if you'll ever get a handle on all of these extra "threats" — you can empower yourself to do so.

Understanding the natural stress response

If your mind and body are constantly on edge because of excessive stress in your life, you may face serious health problems. That's because your body's "fight-or-flight reaction" — its natural alarm system — is constantly on.
When you encounter perceived threats — a large dog barks at you during your morning walk, for instance — your hypothalamus, a tiny region at the base of your brain, sets off an alarm system in your body. Through a combination of nerve and hormonal signals, this system prompts your adrenal glands, located atop your kidneys, to release a surge of hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol.

• Adrenaline increases your heart rate, elevates your blood pressure and boosts energy supplies.
• Cortisol, the primary stress hormone, increases sugars (glucose) in the bloodstream, enhances your brain's use of glucose and increases the availability of substances that repair tissues. Cortisol also curbs functions that would be nonessential or detrimental in a fight-or-flight situation. It alters immune system responses and suppresses the digestive system, the reproductive system and growth processes.

This complex natural alarm system also communicates with regions of your brain that control mood, motivation and fear.

When the natural stress response goes haywire

The body's stress-response system is usually self-regulating. It decreases hormone levels and enables your body to return to normal once a perceived threat has passed. As adrenaline and cortisol levels drop, your heart rate and blood pressure return to baseline levels, and other systems resume their regular activities.

But when the stressors of your life are always present, leaving you constantly feeling stressed, tense, nervous or on edge, that fight-or-flight reaction stays turned on. The less control you have over potentially stress-inducing events and the more uncertainty they create, the more likely you are to feel stressed. Even the typical day-to-day demands of living can contribute to your body's stress response.

The long-term activation of the stress-response system — and the subsequent overexposure to cortisol and other stress hormones — can disrupt almost all your body's processes. This puts you at increased risk of numerous health problems, including:

• Heart disease
• Sleep problems
• Digestive problems
• Depression
• Obesity
• Memory impairment
• Worsening of skin conditions, such as eczema

That's why it's so important to learn healthy ways to cope with the stressors in your life.

Why you react to life stressors the way you do

Your reaction to a potentially stressful event is different from anyone else's. How you react to stressors in your life includes such factors as:

• Genetics. The genes that control the stress response keep most people on a fairly even keel, only occasionally priming the body for fight or flight. Overactive or underactive stress responses may stem from slight differences in these genes.
• Life experiences. Strong stress reactions sometimes can be traced to early environmental factors. People who were exposed to extremely stressful events as children, such as neglect or abuse, tend to be particularly vulnerable to stress as adults.

You may have some friends who seem laid-back about almost everything and others who react strongly at the slightest stress. Most reactions to life stressors fall somewhere between those extremes.

Learning to react to life stressors in a healthy way

Stressful events are a fact of life. And you may not be able to change your current situation.

But you can take steps to manage the impact these events have on you. You can learn to identify what stresses you out, how to take control of some stress-inducing circumstances, and how to take care of yourself physically and emotionally in the face of stressful situations.

Stress management strategies may include:

• Exercise
• Relaxation techniques
• Fostering healthy friendships
• Getting plenty of sleep
• Professional counseling or psychotherapy

The payoff of managing stress is peace of mind and — perhaps — a longer, healthier life.

I also found this article to be useful: Emotional Health Lesson Plans PDF

This excerpt caught my eye:

Emotional health is part of our overall health concerned with the way we think and feel. It refers to our sense of well-being, and our ability to cope with life events. Emotional health is about our ability to acknowledge and respect our own emotions as well as those of others.

People are not born with good or poor emotional health, it depends on the circumstances they grow up in, as well as the knowledge and skills and experience they collect throughout life and how they use those.

An analogy might be that emotional health is like a ladder. Strong climbers have learned to cope with stress and problems, to build strong relationships and are good at recognizing when problems get too much so they ask for help.

People who may not be coping well, who feel isolated and overwhelmed by all the problems they have to deal with are sliding towards the bottom, and may need support to find their balance and start moving up again.

Emotional health is not the same as happiness. Happiness is an emotion that can come and go very quickly. Emotional health is like a toolkit which equips you to get the most out of life.

I concur that it is credible to speak of normal in the sense of stressors that for the most part everyone experiences. Too, however, I think it is credible to speak of aberrant stressors to be the norm for most people, which makes each of our experiences unique and abnormal.

It takes time, googley. Give that to yourself. You will feel better. I'm 59 and have had many years therapy but I feel better and am "normal". Keep the hope alive and imagine what it will be like and move toward that as best you can.

(((((Googley))))))) Try not to compare yourself with others. As someone once told me, "you are comparing someone's outside with your insides." Also we are each individuals. What is one person's "no big deal" is another's MAJOR TRAUMATIC EVENT. Both are valid, some of us aren't as genetically or enviromentally (nuture) fortunate as others. Accept how you feel and take care of yourself. Don't let anyone, not even you, minimize how you feel about what happened to you. Seek help and give help to yourself. You deserve it.

(((((Googley))))))

Just wanted to add my support here.

Hoping for the best for you.

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