[Schatze]

Why did I try to go back to work too soon? Why did I trigger myself today? Pushed myself to try to work today and now I've devastated myself emotionally. Why did I do this to myself? I should have known better. I told my pdoc I was going to take the Summer off to help in my healing, but I just couldn't stay out of my company's business. Now I'm back in bed.

I'm beginning to understand that pdoc is right and that my PTSD stems from a long list of events which started back in 1997...vexacious litigation, losing my home, almost losing my business, my husband losing all of the assets he earned over a 10 years period because lawyers sold them off behind our backs, my family being stalked and terrorized by one of my customers (he's a scam artist that does that for a living), and the list could keep going. I thought my PTSD was just from being terrorized but apparently that was just the straw that broke this camel's back.

How am I ever going to overcome this? I am so scared right now. I wasn't even trying to work a full day...just needed to train a new person on a few procedures...had a complete meltdown (thank GOD not in front of my new and wonderful employee and my hubby was there to take over). I know I'm very fortunate that I'm able to control my outbursts and meltdowns from people in my personal life that might not be able to understand PTSD but I'm so tired of them...they wear me out as I'm sure they do everyone else. God am I sorry that people have to go through this. Why can't we all just heal.

I need some help today, I feel like I'm drowing in my emotions. Can't get them under control. I can't even identify what they are right now through all of the tears and freight. I know I'm just rambing and I apologize, but I'm lost right now and need to find a way home.

[CedarS]

(((((((Schatze)))))))

Hopefully the Ativan kicks in and takes the edge off a bit, it helps me in that way.

Can you think of one thing, no matter how simple it seems, that will be comforting for you? Anything, a particular food, a favorite TV show, a stuffed animal. No guilt or blame, time for you. A little something. Something to help the lost self in you return home. Cozy blanket, pleasing music, comedy tapes, glossy magazine, new book, fresh flowers for your room, anything you want, for you. You deserve good stuff.

Sarah

[Schatze]

Oh, thank you so much for this Sarah. You just named a bunch of things I can do for myself today and gave me ideas of a few more....surely I can do a couple of them for myself or even just one.

Thank you for your support, help and wisdom. I saw your beautiful post today and want to get over there when I can to comment because it helped cheer me up. I appreciate you being a good friend.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((big hugz for Sarah)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[wi_fighter]

Schatze, I hope you got to take some of that "me" time and that you're feeling a little better.

(((((((((((Schatze))))))))))))

[(JD)]

I think it's important that you do realize how much your T knows, and when you discuss something in session, that you follow through. Sometimes that means NOT doing when you might. I, too, have been here... and am today... I'm not really up to doing anything but feel "guilty" like I haven't accomplished anything. Fortunately, I can hear my T's words, and know to listen... I need to rest. No guilty involved (and yes, I am a Christian with a strong work ethic too.)

Please remember that God knows just where you are. He made our bodies (brains included) and doesn't expect more from us than we are capable. It's us that expects more from ourselves.

TC I mean that TAKE CARE of yourself. Be gentle with yourself...

[heatherm]

((((((((Schatze)))))))))))

Take gentle care of yourself.

xoxo

[Schatze]

Hi Wi-Fi, yes, it was wonderful. I rented a movie from TV that I've been wanting to see. I usually wouldn't have...would have felt to guilty watching TV during the day from not being at work. [Thanks Sarah for the suggestions] It was very nice and relaxing for once.

Thank you Sky for your thoughtful and supportive post. I really appreciate all of the help you give me while I'm learning about PTSD. And thank you for your beautiful words about God and our bodies. They were really appreciated.

Thank you heather, I'm beginning to think taking gentle care of yourself is the key to alot of this. I think this is one of the best reminders we can give to each other.

(((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))

[mrb020377]

I didnt see this post until today....
I hope that today is a better day for you!!!

(((((((Schatze))))))))))))))