[AShadow721]

I haven't really slept and I'm really anxious, so forgive me if I'm confusing. I wish I could just crash out right now. I just wanted to write this down, because I know I'll want to forget it, and then I will later. Usually, I'm good about doing that.

Trigger Warning~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, hmmm. My father has been here for two days straight and has only left for a few minutes each day. So I've tried to mess up mine and my son's schedule even more, by sleeping from about 2 pm to 12 am, roughly. Well today, I heard my father come out of his room, and then I didn't hear anything. I knew he wasn't going to work, because it was too late in the day. So I waited a while and then I went out of my room. He wasn't there, so I got a quick snack. Tried to get a drink, but then the water turned off with in seconds. They turn the water off routinely in this neighborhood. It's quite annoying. So I melted a popsicle for me and my son and we drank that instead. My 16 month old son has not had any milk, juice, or disposable diapers in about a week due to lack of transportation. It really worries me that he has no milk. And cloth diapers give him the worst rash. Anyway, then I start cooking eggs, because that's about all we have to eat now. We've been eating nothing but dry cereal the past few days. We're running out of food. Okay, well, my father walked in while I was cooking. I couldn't go and run in my room with my son right before he walked in this time, because I was cooking. Anyway, my father sat down and kept picking up my son on his lap whenever he walked by him (my son rarely ever stayed sitting with him for a few seconds). This really, really makes me mad. Because not only can I not go in my room, because my father has my son, but my father also used to abuse me while I sat on his lap. Well after what was probably an hour, but forever in my mind, of me trying to get my son to take back in my room, my father's now ex-girlfriend called him and he went to his room WITH my son walking through the door and getting himself stuck in his room with him. Then my son started screaming trying to get out and my father was just laughing at him and I wanted to punch a hole in the wall (actually more like my father's face), because he wouldn't let him out. Well, he did a few seconds later. Well, then my father started heating himself up something to eat. I didn't know what it was and he started giving some of it to my son. Yes, this made me mad to. Then he says "OH you like that rice don't you?" It sound very sexual and disturbing to me. But I was more angry that my father was using my son as a tool to get what he wanted, for us to stay out there with him. I started having a panic attack and didn't know why. Then the second time he asked my son if he liked the rice it hit me and I had a flashback.

The flashback was mostly sensation wise, a physical feeling, but also sounds and a few dark unclear pictures in my mind that went on and off a few times. It was a flashback of SA, rape from my father. I never "remembered" this. But I've had these same kind of flashbacks before and didn't recognize what they were. I never really thought I had flashbacks as often as panic attacks until I started writing it down recently. And since my flashbacks are usually not very vivid at all, they aren't flashbacks as usually described in information about PTSD, I thought my PTSD gave me more a lot more panic attacks than flashbacks.

Now I realize maybe I just had my eyes closed during the abuse, and that's why I don't remember the visuals as much as the sensations, pain, and sounds. I was triggered today, by not only my father's tone of voice, but from him sayng rice. This happened the same day that I was refusing to eat a bowl of plain white sticky rice. I sat at the table for hours crying with my father screaming at me to finish. This was the same day my old T hypnotized me back to and I believed I saw my father drugging my food. It was the same day he forced oral on me. And I threw up everywhere, so he hurt me.

In the end of this, I don't know how much longer I can stay here. I could be triggered to more and more flashbacks, and it's getting harder and harder to talk to my father and see him around the house. For months, I haven't been able to say a word to him that doesn't sound angry and hateful. Then sometimes, I feel guilty for being so angry and mean. Sometimes, I feel bad for hating him.

[3jane]

Don't feel bad for hating him. From what little I've read of your posts, he deserves it.

Do you have any friends or other family members you can stay with? I wish you luck in getting out of there.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((AShadow721))))

Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry you are going through all this. I know how it can be so hard. I am glad you were able to get this much down and out of your mind and stop holding it alone. You did not deserve this and I do not blame you for how you feel about your father.

Are you in therapy or have someone IRL that you can talk to and reach out to for help? Please take care of yourself and your son. Having those feelings must be hard and feeling like you have to hide from your father has to be rough. My heart goes out to you.

Have you tried to get help with food and stuff? Is there anyway you can move? Do you have someone, a friend maybe, that you could call to get away for a few hours during the day so you do not feel trapped?

Please know that we are listening and hearing you. We care. Please keep posting and letting us know how you are doing. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts.

dps

[WePow]

ashadow - sending you tons of safe love and praying that you find a way to freedom for yourself and your son - very very soon. Keep posting and fighting the battle to win.

Thank you for the post, AShadow. You might consider going to your state's government website to find the number for information. Ask to be directed to a person who you can talk to about assistance that may be available to you, like food stamps, housing assistance, mental health issues, etc.

You might also try here to see if these organizations may direct you to help:

http://211.org/
http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Sec...iateFinder.cfm
http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Sec...iateFinder.cfm

I hope you are able to get help for yourself and your child. Getting professional help is so important to ameliorate the traumas you have experienced.

Good luck.

[Yoda]

(((((((((AShadow)))))))))))

How are you doing, AShadow?

[AShadow721]

Well, my father was gone for three days. I thought he might have died. But he came back for a few minutes earlier and said he'd come back. I hope not. I was feeling quite depressed afterward, after I calmed down from the extreme anger and anxiety of all this, but I was feeling a lot better for a while, only for the relief that my father was gone. I'm going through all these feelings again that I could never deal with before and still don't want to. I feel shameful. I feel like something that has been used and is no longer needed or wanted. Like a piece of garbage. I don't understand how my husband could want me, after this disgusting horrific thing happened to my body. I think I have been "retraumatized", because I feel all these terrible feeling again that I have ignored. I was just looking at this book (The Right to Innocence by Beverly Engel) that said to use a flashback as a good thing. This book says to view a flashback "as a positive indication that you are now ready and willing to remember". I'm not sure if I want to. I want to "heal". But I really don't think I should remember these things now. Even if I keep having these flashbacks. It'll make things worse when my father is here. But it is really two and a half weeks until I have my interview with public housing. I hope something will come of that soon.