[googley]

I don't really know how to start this thread, so here it goes. I had been seeing my doctor for a while and every time I went in she would suggest that I get a pap smear done. And every time I would defer by saying I didn't want to and would not schedule the appointment. Being that I was not a regular to the doctor this happened over a couple years. Each time me declining, but her asking. My doctor was a resident, but at a women's clinic. One time I went in and again told her that I didn't want to. She went out to confer with her adviser (as she always had to), and came back in and asked me (I'm sure prompted by her adviser) why didn't I want to. I told that I had been sexually assaulted and so didn't want to. As I had had one in college and was still a virgin I didn't see the necessity. My doctor collected her things and bolted out the door as quickly as possible.

I know her reaction doesn't really reflect on what happened to me. But it still hurts. It makes me feel dirty and ashamed. If my own doctor can't deal with the fact that I was attacked, how is anyone else going to? And it makes me angry that she couldn't think that this might be a possible reason for me to be refusing and better prepared herself (or her adviser better prepared her) for the possibility. Luckily I only had to see her one or two more times before she was done with her residency. The doctor after her was nicer. Though it was a little awkward the first visit because she just assumed that I had a good relationship with the previous doctor. If she hadn't been almost done I definitely would have changed doctors.

I don't know what is bringing this back up again as it happened a couple of years ago now. But it left me feeling very alone. And I guess I'm having that alone feeling again. The feeling that no one will understand.

I still want my doctor from when I grew up back again. Why can't doctors and Ts and pdocs follow us around when we move? Then we wouldn't have to go over all this stuff again each time.

[Rapunzel]

It sounds like she didn't handle it very well, but I wonder if she might have not been reacting to what you told her but just in a hurry for some other reason? She still should have made some attempt to let you know that she understood and accepted you, though. But I wonder if she just didn't know how to respond.

I avoid doctors. That way they can't ask me to do things I don't want to and don't consider necessary. I haven't had many good experiences with them, and never had an ongoing relationship with one. Maybe it would be different if we had more consistency and the trust and understanding were there.

[zooropa]

I'm sorry she reacted like that, googley, it definitely wasn't very professional.

I wonder if maybe it triggered something in HER, and that's why she had to leave the room suddenly? Just a thought...I mean obviously it did trigger *something* in her, unless she was just in a hurry like rapunzel said, but I'm just wondering if maybe she doesn't have a history of sa and just wasn't prepared for the emotions she might have felt when you said that.

Either way you'd think this would have come up at some point prior to that in her medical career, so she should have been prepared at least somewhat for your reply.

[googley]

Rapunzel,
It seemed to be more than that she was in a hurry. It was like she couldn't stand to be there any longer.

Zoo- I think you might be right. She did seem really uncomfortable. I hadn't thought that she might have a history. It just seemed like she didn't think about that being a possible reason for my resistance. Which seemed weird being that it was a women's clinic. But she seemed to know she did something wrong with running out because the next time I saw her she offered to schedule the gyn appointment with one of the NPs. The NP was really nice.

[AtreyuFreak]

I think Zoo could be right; I am a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant), and have a history of SA. When I was in the CNA program, my instructor, who has been a nurse (including in a mental hospital) for 25 years, told me that many people who go into professions like medicine do so because they have a past themselves. Whether it's that they were physically, sexually, or emotionally abused, it makes them want to help people.

Unfortunately it means that sometimes they're not prepared for the patients' pasts . I had a really bad day during my clinicals where I just shut down completely with half an hour left in my shift and my partner (who fortunately knew I have DID, and her boyfriend has DID as well) basically had to finish for me; luckily everything we were doing was considered a "one-man" job. We were taking care of a terminally ill man at the time, and neither she nor I could explain anything to him, so it's very possible that he felt it was somehow because of him, though it definitely wasn't.

The best thing for everyone to remember is that doctors (and nurses, CNAs, and all other health care workers) are people too, with their own messed-up lives. And, believe it or not, doctors can make mistakes! Especially if she was still a resident, it's much more probable that it was something on HER part than yours. You did nothing wrong, and I'm jealous that you can actually be up front about your abuse to your doctor .

[googley]

Originally Posted by AtreyuFreak

The best thing for everyone to remember is that doctors (and nurses, CNAs, and all other health care workers) are people too, with their own messed-up lives. And, believe it or not, doctors can make mistakes! Especially if she was still a resident, it's much more probable that it was something on HER part than yours. You did nothing wrong, and I'm jealous that you can actually be up front about your abuse to your doctor .

AtreyuFreak,
Thank you for your post. It helps to be reminded that doctors have real lives too. I was just very limited in what I said, just that I had been attacked. No details or information. It makes it harder to disclose what happened when these types of situations happen. Even if it is about them and not about me. It feels like rejection.

After I was first attacked I tried to get help. But everyone just brushed it off as if nothing had happened. I had to keep telling what had happened. I thought that someone would help me, but no one did. I was literally told by school officials (I was attacked at school) to just go back to class. So I feel rejection especially intensely since I knew I could never depend on my abusive parents. I have to look to others. You're supposed to be able to trust your doctor. I know she never read the intake report because I filled out that I had been attacked in the paperwork. But it didn't make it into my medical records until I saw the NP. The NP was supportive.

[Perna]

I think it's hard for anyone, never mind if they're a medical or mental health professional, to "know what to say" when we say or do something outside their experience? I still remember when I told my T bluntly that my previous T had sexually abused me. She was older, experienced, and very good but still, remembering the stunned silence "amuses" me; she finally said the "right" thing for me and we moved on.

It was probably your doctor's first time hearing what you had to say and many people can't/don't want to imagine such things. I would try to look at it a little from her point of view and feel a bit of compassion coming across such a person as you and not having a clue what to say/do. Think how, unfortunately, much more mature you are in that you would have handled it better than she, having had the experience you've had. It's like watching a child on a blooper show/American's Funniest Videos, the shock of new experience.

Don't feel alone and sad, Googley, we get it here and are with you :-)

[Crew]

Googley I am sorry that happened to you. You know I hope you don't feel
completely alone in this. I to can't get a pap's smear in fact the last time I got one they had to put me asleep which they got what they needed.

I can so relate however it hurt you and sometimes I think we have things happen today that we just can't fully process or get past the pain or at least to where one can express it. I know I am working on memmories from 30 plus years ago, I think it's your sub-conscious talking to your conscious part of your brain, does that make sense? Like your conscious part of your mind says okay sub-con what's next on the agenda, does that make sense?

Thanks for posting that because I wasn't sure how to write it up, I'm not good at that.

Hang in there as you always will, we hope, Crew