felt violated at medical doc, but was I?

I'm not sure exactly where to post this as it doesn't seem to fit exactly in any category, but here seems the best fit.

My T and I were discussing the messages I got as I grew up about sexuality. There was no "birds and bees" discussion in my house. But I have these really strong feelings from when I was little. But in thinking about this I remembered a time when I went to the doctor to get a physical before a trip I went on and ended up feeling completely violated. The doctor didn't do anything un doctoral. But I still felt violated. I felt like he didn't ask for my consent. I was 12. This is what happened: I had gone in for the physical and they had me change into a gown and take off my shirt. But they didn't make me take off my pants. I was lying down on the table and after the doctor was done with listening to my heart etc, he unbuttoned my pants and unzipped them to palpate my abdomen. But he didn't ask to. He just did it. I felt so violated. But I couldn't get myself to say anything. I grew up in a family with strong rules about no one touching your "private parts". And that was just too close for comfort. Couldn't he have at least asked? Or had me do it? Instead he just went and did it. And my mom was sitting right there. But at the same time, I don't feel like that gave him the permission to do that without asking. Am I totally over reacting? It was a long time ago now. But I still feel violated and exposed over it. I don't know if I'm just making too much of a deal about it in my head. Anyone? Am I over reacting?

I understand your feeling of violation. He should have asked you if it was okay even with your mother there. It's good bedside manners to communicate (especially with pre-teens since most adolescents are generally uncomfortable with their bodies to begin with without someone touching it) about what they're doing to your body. Sometimes doctors get in hurries and don't think about their patient's feelings like they should but it doesn't mean it's right.

What does your T say about it?

You have a right to your feelings, no matter how long ago this happened. I think doctors are used to a certain protocol, and he wasn't thinking. That is a shame, because he caused you to feel violated. I think doctors should be made aware to be sensitive, especially with young patients.

You aren't over reacting.....simply reacting. You might want to write that doctor a letter of "restorative justice"--this is what you did; this is how it made me feel. You can choose to send it or keep it.

Sharona

drs should alwys ask for permission to touch.. definatly a violation

That is a pretty standard exam childhood exam so I don't think he was out of line, but your feelings are your feelings.

Thank you all for your replies. Food for thought.

Fox,
I haven't talked about this specifically with my T yet. We are dealing with feelings surrounding my body in T right now, and this just kind of came up over the weekend.

I think this experience might be what turned me off to going to the doctor. I know when I was a little kid it was a necessary evil. But at some point it became challenging to do. And now I always put it off as far and as long as possible to be able to avoid it.

I agree with farmergirl, in that it was a standard childhood exam... and maybe since your mom WAS there, the doctor felt less of a need to tell you/ask you about what was going to take place next-- maybe he thought your mom already explained the whole "doctor process" to you. Though, with that said-- I think a doctor should ALWAYS say what they are about to do-- even if the parents are there. that is a bedside manner that should not be absent -- ever.(IMO)

it sounds like you are quite sensitive about such things and that's OK-- we're all different. In knowing this now and you being an adult-- you can request to your doctor that he/she announce to you EVERYTHING they are going to do BEFORE they do it.....

it is your right as a patient to be in control....
and now being an adult....
there is NO reason to not be in control at the doctors.

best to you

fins

As a medical student in the UK, we are taught that we need full exposure to examine a patient's abdomen, which was what your Dr did. However, we are mindful that patients can find it embarrassingly intimate and so would never (I hope!) unzip/unbutton a patient even a child, but would ask them to do it themselves so that we could examine the entire abdomen. I know I have never and will never do this, with the possible exception of a small child (who is unable to undo their trousers) in the presence of their guardian, and even then I would tell them what I needed to do and make sure they assented before I did it.

I'm sorry that you were treated this way. I think you have a right to feel violated as that is how you experienced the situation. I only hope that this Dr would feel horrified that examining you in this way lead to you feeling like this and avoiding Drs in the future. Fortunately communication skills and examination techniques have moved on since then, but unfortunately there will always be a few who neglect to put themselves in their patient's shoes.

Take care, and find a good Dr who you can trust not to treat you in this way - you deserve good medical care as much as the next person

*Willow*

googley,

I think that you are entitled to your feelings and they need to be explored. But I have to agree with the others who say that it was part of a standard childhood exam - especially years ago. I don't think doctors were taught that it was uncomfortable for kids to be touched (especially if it wasn't in the private parts) and they get so used to just doing what they need to do that they don't even think sometimes how it feels to the person being examined.

To the doctor, he was just trying to be thorough and make sure you were healthy. That doctor didn't understand the impact that it had on you. He was very comfortable that the touch was professional, especially with your mother there.

I'm sorry you feel bad about it.

I agree with the others - the doctor didn't violate you in the true sense, but he could have been more sensitive. Some doctors don't have a good bedside manner. It would have been better, if he asked you to do it and tell you "I just need to feel if your tummy's okay". Don't let this discourage you from going to the doctor because you're not treating yourself well, just because he wasn't polite. In the future tell any doctor that you are sensitive and need to be told what's happening befor it happens.

My childrens Pediatrician is great and so respectful of their feelings. All the doctors I've had, always ask me to do it myself and tell me what they're going to do.

googley,

I meant to add that I think it is experiences like yours that lead to changes in education for doctors. I think that they teach more respectful behavior in medical school these days.

Slowinmi-
I was actually working on a project at one point, for work, on how to teach doctors better bedside manners. LOL.

I had similar experience. Had to go for medical examination as part of benefits claim. The letter however told me that the examination was for one purpose. I was so niaive that I thought that I would be dealing with doctors and nurses like who I worked with. How could I have got it so wrong. The doctor didnt explain to me all purposes of the examination so, he done an examination for other purposes. As far as I was concerned, informed consent was not obtained as my attendance was based on information that was misleading. I only learned the true purpose after he had finished examining me.

During the exam he asked me to remove items of clothing. I could not see any drapes to maintain the dignity of the patient so I asked him for this. His behaviour then became totally inappropriate, I feel guilty for allowing this to happen and my only regret is that I didnt get the hell out of that exam room as to this day I am still living with the consequences.

It may sound stupid or that I am super sensitive, but when I asked him for the drapes to cover myself his reply "I am a married man and I am sure nothing you would have would shock me". He then went onto do an abdo exam and for the life of me the abdo exam had nothing to do with the medical cause of complaint. I still feel sick to the stomach when I think of it, and over 9 years later I see him standing over at the sink washing his hands. When I left this room and building I was in utter disbelief if that makes sense saying to myself did that just happen. There was a police station across the road and I remember thinking do I go in there and some part of me still thinks that I should have reported it.

I come from that profession and I felt powerless. But what I will say to the original poster is if you believe you were violated go with your instinct. There's enough of people who question you - but when you start doubting your own experience that means these people win.