[splitimage]

I was in a rather serious car crash on Fri. morning. I walked away from it with no injuries. But when I was in the car as it was spinning out of control, and I was trying to pull out of the skid and saw the guardrail getting closer and closer, I wasn't at all afraid - it wasn't shock. Part of me was going ok, so this is it, and I was almost relieved. Then after the crash once I got dealing with the police, insurance and repari shop and went into the office all the people I work with were asking if I was ok, wasn't I terrified etc. and i didn't understand all the emotions. I was thinking ok, so I could have died - I didn't what's the big deal. I'm sure that part of this is related to the fact that I never expected to live this long in the first place, but it's also like I'm always passively suicidal. I won't actively act on the thought of killing myself, but I don't think dying would be bad - it would just be an end to the horribleness.

Does that make sense to anybody?

Is this just another wonderful manifestation of having cptsd?

--splitimage

[lynn P.]

Although I don't feel this way, I do understand what you're saying. I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm also very glad you're okay - thank God. Do you think it's possible that God obviously wants you to live. I think this is a good opportunity to start living the way you want - life is precious. On the up side, at least you weren't traumatized. I had an accident once with a Mustang and even though I wasn't hurt, it really shook me up. I could barely drive the first 2 weeks - I think the airbag scared the heck out of me. I'm really happy you weren't hurt and you're still here.

I understand I think.....

I don't want to live anymore I have to as I have children who need me, I have in the past tried to kill myself (I am greatfull on behalf of my children I didn't manage it). However if death faced me then it would be a relief not a terror.

I am not scared of situations or people either ever since I realised I don't actually want to live for in my head what is the worse they can do to me ? Kill me ? Do me a favour ....

[lynn P.]

((Tishie)) and ((Splitimage))

[Junerain]

You have a great understanding of the many feelings in you, deep feelings

I also feel passively suicidal..

PTSD is a life changing illness/condition

At least we have PC to explore the deep feelings within us safely

[NuckingFutz]

Just wanted to let you know I can relate to not expecting to live this long (all the illnesses in my family wiped them out before age 40 except my 2 sisters and a first cousin...or so I thought. So I figured not to make plans after 40. Little did I know that I had a huge family who are well and thriving. I am a lot more cautious about my health and safety now.

To paraphrase many, dying is easy. It is the living that is hard.

[googley]

(((((((SplitImmage))))))

I'm glad you are okay. But I do understand how you are feeling. I tend to usually have passive ideation running around in the back of my head. It is so constant sometimes that it has gotten to the point that I don't even bring it up with my T because it seems pointless to bring something up that never seems like will go away. As long as it doesn't get severe or more than just thinking about it, I tend to try and just ignore it.

[Michah]

Splitimage,

Can I be brazen and let you know.......that I can understand exactly how you feel.

I have had experiences(not precipitated by me).......that in the moment almost felt.....peaceful, fateful......or divine. I cannot explain why. To the point that I have almost longed for the silence and velvety peace once again.

But the rational mind trumps and then we feel fear.

And for good reason.......we have many things to do, to feel, to live. We must strive for that snapshot in time of joy, contentment, and "feeling at home".....

It is our spirit that must prevail.......for our stories are very important......and we must pass them on so that future generations can learn of our overcoming, our power in the face of fear, our courage in the darkness........our lives mean EVERYTHING.

Take care dear one........you are very, very important.......

In stillness,

Michah

PS ( to answer your question about it being a manifestation of your CPTSD.......maybe. I think it is more an existential feeling, albeit a distressing one. Without you thinking I have lost some of my marbles, I am anticipatory when people speak of this. To me it means that you are questioning, wondering, exploring. And that is a good thing. It means that you are aware of your own process, which is the gateway to healing, in this transitory process. As long as you do it in safety, you are on the right path to not just being alive.......but.......to LIVING. Great things are coming to you, dear person.......be ready....

for greatness.)

[notz]

Nothing like a close call to make us contemplate our own mortality

I'm glad you weren't injured.

[Elysium]

(((((Splitimage)))))

Passively suicidal....?

Never heard it phrased like this but yes, I feel this way as well. Sometimes I go and sit in graveyards and just will myself to die, but it doesn't work. I've even tried my own version of prayers.

So I understand, but I am still glad you were not injured in the crash.

Take care

[Fox]

I understand. I'm not scared of dying either. I don't want to die just cause I know I have to live to get the answers I want, but it's not a horrible thing either to happen. I know a lot of people have strong emotions about death so I've kinda felt like something must be wrong with me, but I've lived in fear all of my life of many things, death is the furthest from my mind! lol I'm sorry I don't have words of wisdom I just wanted to share my thoughts on the matter.

[Secret]

I'm right there with you. I'll be glad when its all over, but can't kill myself. Hoping someone else will do it for me.

[Puffyprue]

iam sorry you feel this way and glad you're ok...i do understand that feeling very well
hugs to all of you

[slowinmi]

Splitimage,

I also can understand very well the feeling that you have. I had a close call myself when I was younger. I agree with Byz that living is such hard work some days. Often it would be so much easier to give up, but the thought of my kids keeps me going.

This is a good topic. Thanks for posting it.

[splitimage]

Thanks for the responses everyone. It makes me feel a little less like a freak to know others have similar feelings, and you've given me some good things to think about.

I talked about how I feel with my addictions Dr. (T is out of town so I can't see her) and she said that it's actually pretty common to feel this way. Not sure if that makes me feel better or worse.

I think the worst part of feeling like this, is that I let it keep me stuck, I don't do stuff that I know I should do like exercise and eat healthy, because I have this "why be bothered feelling" I know it also gets in the way of my doing fun things that I enjoy, like playing my harp, again because I have that why be bothered feeling.

I'd really like to not feel like this. So I guess my question is how can I add more positive things into my life that I'll enjoy and look forward to so that I'll have a reason to keep living, as opposed to jsut existing from day to day.

--splitimage

[lynn P.]

Feeling passively suicidal is making the assumption life's not worth living, so why make the effort. But the important thing to realize is, you might live until you're 100 - so do you want to continue the way you are or do you want to change. Imagine if you do live to a ripe old age and are telling your story to an author - would you like it to be the best you can do or full of "I wish I.... and regrets". So here you are - alive - it's your choice how you want to look at it. All we have is this moment, so don't live with hopes of 'not living'. I also think the majority of people(myself included) don't appreciate how lucky we actually are - including faults and bad circumstances. It could always BE worse than it is. Live you life as if someone was going to write a book about you - you deserve your best shot at life.

[Junerain]

what kinds of things do you enjoy?

[DivideByZero]

That makes perfect sense to me.

[amante]

Amen to Junerain, you summed up PTSD perfectly.