[jahrderglad]

Hi,
I was diagnosed with PTSD two years ago, after starting at University. I was eighteen and had just left my mother's house a few months prior. I left without telling her where I was going or why I was leaving, or even saying goodbye. I left because she was abusive. Physically and emotionally. For a while, I had the usual symptoms of PTSD. Now it's a bit different; I'm experiencing the "avoidant" symptoms much more strongly. I'm quite dissociated; all my experiences have the same "dreamlike" quality that began to occur during the abuse. I no longer have flashbacks; instead, I live with social anxiety and crippling guilt that I somehow wronged my mother by leaving. Part of me is even convinced that none of it ever happened (I have the scars to prove that it did). It seems as though my mind is unwilling to consciously face what happened to me, despite my desire to do so. I feel almost nothing about the abuse, and I've lost a lot of my memories of the events. It's like I'm living in some sort of dark, cloudy fugue with a terrible sense of dysphoria, self-loathing, worthlessness, and anxiety but the root of these feelings is completely inaccessible, and my grasp on reality has suffered.

My questions are these:
Is there anything I can do to help myself confront the feelings and memories my mind is so intent on avoiding/repressing?
How can I alleviate the guilt I feel about removing myself from a traumatic relationship? How can I feel like what happened to me was actually wrong (as opposed to feeling like a "wimp" for not being able to "tolerate" the trauma)?

Any input you may have that could perhaps give me some ideas or at least make me feel less alone in feeling this way is greatly, greatly appreciated.

[NuckingFutz]

I would strongly recommend working through this with a therapist. Do you have one already? I would also recommend keeping a journal to write in. If you keep a journal, keep it going because it will also serve as a great reference tool in the future. Keep posting.

[Pomegranate]

Well you can do what I did. It worked but I'm not sure it was the best way to deal with the situation. Keep going back to your mother and trying to get from her what she can not give. Keep getting slammed into that brick wall until it finally becomes so real, so painful, that you can no longer deny it. Until it crushes you to bits completely. Then you will start to respect and believe yourself. When you've had enough pain, you will change and not feel guilt ridden, and you will realize that only someone who is insane (not wimpy) would be willing to put up with what you did.

[NuckingFutz]

Well said pommegranet. This way certainly will alleviate the guilt. It might even cause you to decide to keep her safely out of your life. I do have to admit, if a CPS worker saw what happened the first time she was physically abusive to you, her parental rights would have been taken away. And you feel guilty. She is the one that hurt you. She does not deserve you.

[jahrderglad]

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

Well said pommegranet. This way certainly will alleviate the guilt. It might even cause you to decide to keep her safely out of your life. I do have to admit, if a CPS worker saw what happened the first time she was physically abusive to you, her parental rights would have been taken away. And you feel guilty. She is the one that hurt you. She does not deserve you.

I had several run-ins with CPS while living with my mom. At the prompting of my school counselor, some social workers talked to my mom and me, but my mom lied to me about the purpose of the meetings and then manipulated me into feeling guilty enough to lie on her behalf. I didn't really know what was going on at the time, but the next times CPS talked to us, they didn't listen to me at all, in part because my mom is a great liar and in part because of what I'd said before, probably. The only thing that makes me believe that any of it happened at all is my ex-boyfriend and his parents, who are the only non-family-members to have been yelled at by my mom; his dad called her "very, very scary." If not for that I'd just believe it never happened at all. Ugh, I wish I could just trust the logical part of me that says it was real, that she was actually behaving badly. A lot of myself blames me for everything, believes I made it all up, like my mom said I did...and that part is a massive roadblock to my getting better.

[skeksi]

I agree that working through all this with a therapist would be extremely beneficial. When I left my abusive home, I avoided getting help in college and for years afterward, even though I always knew I needed it. Ten years after leaving home, I finally was doing so badly that I had to get help to stay alive. It was the best thing I ever did and has radically changed the way I view myself, my past, and my family.

I do not hate my family. I am at peace with what happened because I have to be in order to move on. Having a compassionate therapist who would work through all this with me was the best thing that ever happened to me.

You are not alone in struggling to figure out your past and also your present and future. So much strongarming, deceit, and trickery goes into abuse at home. You did not cause any of this.

How are you doing, jahrderglad?

[Mrinurmind]

Some EMDR sessions with a therapist will help in this.

When we are physically ill, we need to see a Doctor to find out what is wrong with us. When we are psychologically ill we need to do the same--knowing the name of the illness, where it's location is, from whence it comes is three fourths of the cure.

Then we do our research, and we go about curing the illness with alittle help from all the sources we can find...it is so very important to know definately what the illness is,
and that it is indeed an illness--it is imperative to our self worth---theo