[Evening]

I can't get over feeling so alone and hating myself lately. My self image issues are getting worse- I had some bad image problems when I was about 12 and used to starve myself a bit to keep thin. Now I'm getting incredibly nit picky about my appearance, if I spend too long in front of the mirror getting ready now I just cry because I am staring to realise how ugly I actually am. And PLEASE don't give me the whole 'you shouldn't care about how you look' thing, I've been told I'm too thin, too fat, my teeth are bad, my hair is too messy, I walk funny, I talk funny, my ears are too big, I should be a model, I look like a scrag- obviously I am going to care about how I actually look. Because if my PTSD I grind my teeth, they are so shockingly bad, but I cannot afford to get them fixed. Just to have my teeth fixed, you have no idea what that would do for me.
And my skin, I'm 22 and my skin is as bad as it was when I was 13. After I posted this I am going to go to the doctor and make an appointment to see what can be done, but I am scared of medication because of the amount of weight I put on last time, 15 kilos (over 30 pounds) in 7 weeks.

I can't get a job, it's the one thing that is bringing me down the most lately. It's just fueling my feelings of not being wanted by anyone. Having a job would do so much for me, get me out of the house, give me some money, boost my confidence, help get some energy back, give me a reason to actually get out of bed in the morning and feel worthwhile. But I guess I don't deserve that, I've never had that before.

And I have been out twice in a month, and one friend has come over (out of pity), I've had more visits from the police in the last 6 months than I've had friends over. Everyone is out doing stuff and I'm never there, I'm just sitting in my freaking house alone every day and night. And even if I was invited out I rarely enjoy it anyway because all people do these days is drink and drink and smoke weed and drink. I can't cope with any of it, and of course when I get triggered people never want to invite me out again. The only 'friends' I have are on the computer, and that's just because nobody here can actually see me.

And now someone in my family has got a relationship, oh how wonderful he is, he's taking her interstate in a few days. Of course I'm 22 and never even been on a date because I'm so terrified. And I could never tell anybody that I want a relationship so much because they'll try and set me up or lecture me on how they aren't all that bad.
I resent myself so much for it, I have thought about just going out and having sex with any guy who asks because it's the best I'm ever going to get and I guess I deserve it.
I'm going to be alone my entire life.

I don't even know what the point of anything is anymore. I'm so lonely and feel so unwanted and worthless.

(((Evening)))-You are right about the job part-I think that would make a world of diffeence in your life. Working makes you feel useful, worthwhile; and you have to get up and out into the world with others everyday.
JMO-It'd give you a sense of autonomy, and self esteem that you want so badly.
I've seen your picture on your blog--you look beautiful to me. Perhaps that's because I see your spirit and courage here.

Yes, a job is just the thing; and you've already said it.

Hiding in the house, and isolating (ugh-i do it too), brings on a negative self image, and the old stinkin-thinkin comes in.

Your blog is so beautiful--You are so very talented and sensitive, and intelligent; you will be able to overcome this feeling; for you are also fiercely courageous. xoxoxotheo

[grizmom]

I can relate to a lot of that...I had bad acne for a long time, from grade school into my early 20's. The doctors kept prescribing things to dry my skin out, but it never helped. Finally I saw a doc that told me that acne can be caused by oily skin OR dry skin; he had me try a mild soap, mild toning liquid, and then a mild moisturizer instead of the stuff that is drying...and it WORKED! It turns out that my skin was too DRY, not too OILY! So maybe you could try that...I hope it helps you!

I also stay in my apartment almost all of the time; I don't have a car and the city bus freaks me out so I only go out when someone takes me to get groceries. I do have 1 "real life" friend, but she only goes out to drink, and I don't like to drink so I don't go out with her. I am going to try out a support group for women tomorrow; I'm going with my peer support specialist from a program I've just started. The problem is that even if I like it, I wouldn't have any way to get there unless she takes me; it's much too far to take a cab. I can't work; I'm on disability.

Anyhow, sorry to ramble on...I just wanted you to see that you're not alone...I struggle with a lot of the same things. Take care of yourself!! ((((Evening))))

[Evening]

I can't stop feeling like ****, I would never bother asking anyone to come over because people are always 'too busy'. I haven't felt the way I've been feeling the last 2 months in years. I know why I feel so crap (DON'T say it's depression), it's like I deserve to feel this way. All I want to do right now is punish myself for being such a stupid person. I can never amount to anything, that's why my friends never want to see me, it's why nobody will hire me so I can't get a job, it's why I can't be in a relationship. I go days without talking to anybody, but not by choice, it's because I have nobody to talk to. I just want a friend to invite me to catch up or something (I'd ask but people always have other plans or need alcohol).
I think perhaps I should just go out and get drunk or have sex with somebody because it's what I deserve, I should just do it because I need to be punished. And everyone who does have friends and gets out all the time drinks and sleeps with random people.
I don't even expect to live a very long time anymore, I feel like I'm going to die within the next few years.
I could clean my room up right now, but why? I'd just sit here and do nothing by myself once I'm finished, and seeing as I'm already doing that I might as well keep doing it.
I'm so ugly and worthless and unwanted and stupid, no wonder most people haven't noticed I haven't been around. I can't seem to amount to anything worthwhile, even when my job program offers subsidies I still can't get a job.
Why even make effort for anything? why have friends and try to talk to them when their other plans are more important? Why be a friend if you can't be a friend?
Do I even have a right to complain? I obviously deserve this, I must be a bad human being, I must have done something.

[Evening]

And what a freaking surprise, I message my mother and tell her I don't know how I'm going to feel about doing something for Mother's Day tomorrow, but it doesn't really matter anyway because she's seeing friends tomorrow, just like yesterday when she had plans to see her friends and I only spent an hour with her.

(((((Evening)))))--I'm sorry your mom keeps letting you down, promising to visit and then not following through. It saddens me greatly. Wow, what some take for granted; that others would love to have....sad sad sad--

I wish my daughter liked me, so we could spend time together------I send you hugs,
and if we weren't continents away, I'd spend time with you!!! x0x0theo

[The Crazy Rambler]

Originally Posted by Evening

I can't stop feeling like ****, I would never bother asking anyone to come over because people are always 'too busy'. I haven't felt the way I've been feeling the last 2 months in years. That's good to know, you hve overcome before? I know why I feel so crap (DON'T say it's depression), it's like I deserve to feel this way. Why do you 'like'deserve it? All I want to do right now is punish myself for being such a stupid person. Why are you stupid? I can never amount to anything, that's why my friends never want to see me, it's why nobody will hire me so I can't get a job, it's why I can't be in a relationship. I go days without talking to anybody, but not by choice, it's because I have nobody to talk to. I just want a friend to invite me to catch up or something (I'd ask but people always have other plans or need alcohol). Maybe that is what they are, just people. In my book, friends do care, even if they dont understand. Otherwise I woud never call them friends. You know what I mean?
I think perhaps I should just go out and get drunk or have sex with somebody because it's what I deserve, I should just do it because I need to be punished. And everyone who does have friends and gets out all the time drinks and sleeps with random people.
I don't even expect to live a very long time anymore, I feel like I'm going to die within the next few years.
I could clean my room up right now, but why? I'd just sit here and do nothing by myself once I'm finished, and seeing as I'm already doing that I might as well keep doing it. oh yeah, I know that feeling adn do the same! Meaning, don't do anything either.
I'm so ugly and worthless and unwanted and stupid, no wonder most people haven't noticed I haven't been around. I can't seem to amount to anything worthwhile, even when my job program offers subsidies I still can't get a job.
Why even make effort for anything? why have friends and try to talk to them when their other plans are more important? Why be a friend if you can't be a friend? Exactly, maybe they aren't friends at all, eh?
Do I even have a right to complain? It's good to share your heart. I obviously deserve this, I must be a bad human being, I must have done something. What do you think you did to deserve this?

Hi Evening,

I have just put some questions here and there to challenge your thinking. I hope it won't mke you mad or makes you feel as if I don't take you seriously, because I do. That is exactly why I ask those questions. I don't mean you should answer them all. But I know it helps me when my T challenges my thinking. We look at my conclusions (it's all my fault. I deseve be treated badly. etc), hold them to the light to see if they are really true. Maybe they were true at the time, when the trauma happened (like thinking: I am not safe, I have to protect myself from everyone, so I isolate myself), but not true anymore (there isn't anyone around you who would abuse you, but when you feel triggered, the automatic response is to isolate yourself that is what I do btw). So then I have to work on believing the truth instead of letting the trigger drive me into isolation, which is now in actual fact damaging for me. You know what I mean?
Do you have a T? I find I wouldn't survive without mine.
Keep writing and I hope you don't find what I said offensive. It is good to simply vent at times!
Take care of yourself!

http://www.wisebrain.org/wortharticle.pdf
http://www.alive.com/6980a17a2.php?s..._bread_cramb=5
http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/1752
http://www.personal-development.com/...loneliness.htm
http://www.personal-development.com/...loneliness.htm
http://www.personal-development.com/...loneliness.htm
Saying What You Need