[silentwhisper]

I am placing this here because it is part of my trauma yet it could probably go other places as well. Tonight I was watching a movie and a guy shot himself. My mind immediately went back to when my uncle did the same? My uncle was like a dad to me as I grew up without one. Does the pain ever diminish? Do the questions of why ever diminish? Do the questions of what could I have done or why did I not see it ever diminish? Do the hot tears ever diminish?

[(JD)]

"IT" can. I'm sorry for your experience, it was traumatic. While the memories probably won't ever go away, it does sound like you need to process it more to allow it to diminish.

Everyone has those "what if" thoughts, you are not alone. We all want to have done our best, to change the world, or at least the world right around us. Fact is, people make their own decisions about their own lives. Sometimes, it isn't a good one for those around. I have some "what ifs" about my mom, yet I am reminded that there were two family professionals (myself and my sister) taking turns and working together to try and do the best ... and yet ? So if 2 of us couldn't ... then it wasn't going to be.

I'm sorry your uncle was in such a sad state that he felt the only way to get out of it was that route. If you've researched the situation and found all the details you could, then surely you realize that you could not have done anything more than you did -- or you would have! Sounds to me like he made it so you didn't know, yet I don't know how young you were or any of the situation.

The desire to have had some control is common, I think. IF we only had taken control, WE would have made things better. The idea of not having control of our environment and those we love can be unsettling at times. But even if you'd had control, it was still a decision he made, not you.
You aren't responsible for what he did. I'm sorry he messed up your life.

Now, you have a choice to realize this sad, sad thing happened but process it and then by doing so you allow the brain to file it away. You can still take those feelings and memories down out of the file from time to time, take time to think about it and maybe cry, and then put them back away and back up into the files. That's the best we can do with such memories. But they don't have to run your life any more.

[silentwhisper]

Originally Posted by (JD)

"IT" can. I'm sorry for your experience, it was traumatic. While the memories probably won't ever go away, it does sound like you need to process it more to allow it to diminish.

Everyone has those "what if" thoughts, you are not alone. We all want to have done our best, to change the world, or at least the world right around us. Fact is, people make their own decisions about their own lives. Sometimes, it isn't a good one for those around. I have some "what ifs" about my mom, yet I am reminded that there were two family professionals (myself and my sister) taking turns and working together to try and do the best ... and yet ? So if 2 of us couldn't ... then it wasn't going to be.

I'm sorry your uncle was in such a sad state that he felt the only way to get out of it was that route. If you've researched the situation and found all the details you could, then surely you realize that you could not have done anything more than you did -- or you would have! Sounds to me like he made it so you didn't know, yet I don't know how young you were or any of the situation.

The desire to have had some control is common, I think. IF we only had taken control, WE would have made things better. The idea of not having control of our environment and those we love can be unsettling at times. But even if you'd had control, it was still a decision he made, not you.
You aren't responsible for what he did. I'm sorry he messed up your life.

Now, you have a choice to realize this sad, sad thing happened but process it and then by doing so you allow the brain to file it away. You can still take those feelings and memories down out of the file from time to time, take time to think about it and maybe cry, and then put them back away and back up into the files. That's the best we can do with such memories. But they don't have to run your life any more.

Just reading what you wrote causes the tears to stream down. My uncle worked hard. That song "Daddy's Hands" described him so well. My mom was/is very unstable so I spent much of my childhood years with my Maw-Maw. My aunts and uncles would always try to include me in their family activities. I remember my uncle often driving me to the bus stop for school and making sure I had money for lunch or a snack or activities. Well, I went away to college. I was the first in my extended family to go to college and to leave home. I broke the cardinal rule about family sticking together. I was working in the college cafeteria when they pulled me out to tell me. My college paid for me to come home for the funeral. None wanted to pick me up at the airport; noone wanted to talk to me about it. I remeber the screams and heartwrenching cries of my Maw-Maw at night. I did not want to go back to college but I did. A few months later I was talking with my mom on the phone. She told me it was over and hung up. I couldn't reach her. I screamed thru my dorm. My RD had me calm down. I called the police near home. It was so awkward as Mom was living with some guy I barely knew much less knew the answers to all the questions. Luckily I grew up in a small town enough area that I described to them how to get there. They found her in time to save her. Sadly, I attempted suicide myself after I started having flashbacks so I too have left that mark on my kids albeit not as deep as the one felt by the loss of my uncle. I just can only imagine how much pain he must have felt to be able to put a gun in his mouth and pull the trigger. And I was not there. I left my family in the search of something better only to lose one of the most important people in my life. What a price to pay for an education.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

(((((((( Silent ))))))))

"IT" was not your fault. Your uncle was in his own pain and he would have done this even if you were living there at that moment. He had made his decision, and though he knew it would hurt others he was in so much pain that he couldn't go on any more

The pain gets less, but "what if's" don't go away because "what if's" are unsolvable and that is for everyone. The gnawing pain of those left behind is something we have to live with and I think that is human emotion.

If a god made humans he sure as hell screwed up badly, but if we are evolution then it is understandable because we are not perfect but heading towards it.

My dad basically committed suicide because he refused my kidney, now I'm crying... He refused outright and I was the only match and I feel so guilty that I didn't continue to insist. But the dr said that he had refused and he couldn't go against his wishes. He would still be alive if only he had taken that kidney.

The only thing that eases my pain is knowing that he wasn't stuck with my bitter , complaining mean mouthed mum whose cats bum mouth would split if she tried to smile.

Please don't blame yourself, there is nothing you could have done and his death was related to absolutely nothing you did,

((((safe hugs))))

[silentwhisper]

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

My dad basically committed suicide because he refused my kidney, now I'm crying... He refused outright and I was the only match and I feel so guilty that I didn't continue to insist. But the dr said that he had refused and he couldn't go against his wishes. He would still be alive if only he had taken that kidney.

so sorry you can relate

[PleaseHelp]

(((Silent))) All I can say right now is that you are not to blame, although that is hard to comprehend. I can relate to a degree, but I just can't get myself to type it right now. Please, know that I'm here to listen and hope things get better.

[Nupoet64]

My heart aches for you, SW. I am soo sorry you had to endure this in your life. I know it is scarey and hard. Know that we are here and safe hugs are here for you...

[phoenix7]

as has been said - IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT - or - the price you paid for your education - who's to say if you had been there he would stil be alive - no-one can - i say the same about my mum - she was sick and died and i said if only id been there.... what ? id have made her a new heart?????

we cant change whats happened - much as we want to - sighs - the only thing that can help us is to accept what happened and process it and try to let it go - that doesnt mean accept it was right - it means accept it happened and the situation was as it was and we cant change the past.... process and reason out - with a T or a friend - or maybe here if no T is available to you - what happened and accept that somtimes peoples view are warped by their own perceptions and we cant change that..... process all the emotions that go wiht it ...a T cab really help here..... and then the hardest part...let it go...let the emotions come up and leave - that doesnt mean forget - there are some things we cant forget - but we can change our focus.

Remember how you helped your mum, remember the good times you had wiht your uncle - does the pain ever go away ..... i think it gets less ....I think it comes back at times ..but that at thsoe times we have to try to refocus on what is good in our lives and what was good in theirs...

I dont know if any of this makes sense...
but i wish you well

P7