I have been diagnosed with this...but put it under the carpet

Hi to everyone new here.

I have a long long story. My daughter is bpd due to being abused by her father, she has no memory of the sexual abuse only the emotional. My son remembers the abuse but is fine my youngest also remembers the abuse but again she is fine a little angry but has chosen not to let it ruin her life and her teenage years. Me i was continually raped, emotionally abused and left with no self esteem and no personality. I felt like I was a nothing and deserved the treatment he gave me and that it was my fault that he treated me the way he did. I was with him for 13 years a child when I first got with him, i was only 15. He quickly striped me of all my friends and isolated me from my family. He used to keep me up all night if I didn't give him sex, by interogating me and accusing me of all sorts of things that I was supposed to be doing to him. I finally left him at the age of 28, only because I had an acident and was involved in a pain management course. This pain management course involved not only rehabilitation physically but also emotionally. Everyone in the pain management course had the support of their husbands but me. Mine said that the course was full of crap and I was proberly sleeping with men whilst i was there anyway. He refused to participate. This course also gave me one on one time with a phyciatrist along with group therapy. In these sessions I learned how not to be treated as a human being and they also gave me defence tools to deal with him when he was abusing me especially emotionally. I used these tools, which were giving him no reaction what so ever. One day he strangled me in front of my 3 year old daughter, I collapsed on the floor for a couple of seconds he then dragged me out of the room into another and interograted me for a couple of hours saying how it was all my fault, he made me look at him and agree that when he got home from work i would still be there waiting for him. This time i was not. He went to work i went to womans refuge with the three children. That was ten years ago. I am now re married to a wonderful man whom treats me as a person and life is great. But unfortunately i still carry a lot of my armour that i had put around myself to protect myself when i was with my ex. I don't tell my husband when i am hurting as when i gave my ex any information like that he would use it against me and manipulate me and control me. I don't do this intentionally it happens. I have nightmares still.....they are getting less and less but they still do occur. I suffer migranes and depression from blaming myself for what happened to my children, i didn't find out until after i left him but i blame myself for not seeing it before that. Sometimes i put myself to bed for weeks at a time because of depression, hiding i suppose...........There is lots more to this story i will let more out if anyone is interested.....

Been to shrinks, doctors, counsellors

You've been through a lot, and you have come a long way. Maybe you still have a ways futher to go, but it sounds like you are headed the right direction, and maybe that's what counts.

If you want to tell more of your story, I'm listening.

*hugs* if hugs are ok with you (let us know if not)

Of course you know by now that this type of disorder just doesn't fit under the carpet but sneaks it's way right back out ...!!! TC & welcome.

Welcome!
Bearhugs,
Fuzzy

Hello. I am a newbie ,as well. Welcome to the forum. I am really glad to have "meandered" in, myself.

~Dottie