[hopeful2010]

This is the 1st time in my life I have ever really started to relate my past to how I am today. I am 36 yrs old and since I was 3 I have been abused one way or another. My therapist tried to make me go back and after the session I had so much anxiety I couldn't even drive to get home! I had to stay at a hotel, missed work, and felt like a drama queen. I felt so sick, full of fear and anxiety, and so very alone and helpless. I haven't felt like that since I was in my early 20's...I quickly made sure I put those memories and all the other ones back in my distant memory. Later, I had a little girl who died in my arms. They said she died from SIDS; however, as she died in my arms , breathing her last breaths while she was in my arms. That's when the regular beatings began by my husband and for a long time I was in a twilight zone and I think I actually allowed him to beat me; especially when I wasn't feeling well! I just want these nightmares, the fear, and the irrational thoughts to go away!

[Nupoet64]

Did you let your therapist know what condition you were in when you left them? You are doing some hard work and it is painful and scarey, but I am surprised the therapist let you go out alone like that. No, you are not a drama queen. This stuff REALLY happened, we just hid it to be able to keep going. Now we have to relive it and recognise it as a memory adn then will we be able to SEE it as a bad memory and feel a slight tug at the heart and then put it aside and continue to function.
I am sorry that you are having trouble functioning while you are working on this, but this is very important work, if we are to heal and be able to function later.
I put mine in a box in the dark hidden places in my brain. I stayed busy and kept working and ignored it and tried to keep my mask on for the world...but in the end, it came around and took me down. Now I am unable to work. I am working fulltime, healing.
But I am blessed with a great husband who tried very hard to understand, he is taking care fo the income and bills. But it is hard on both of us. I cannot help but think, if I had gotten the proper treatment when I was younger, how wonderful my life could have been. But, I still ahve a few good years left in me...

[Nupoet64]

Oh, I was a Hospice nurse...bad mix when PTSD is coming to the forefront, lol. Too much grief....PTSD is GREIF WORK. The infant maybe triggering you too, adding to the already overwhelming grief you are carrying. Just a thought.
Ask your T about the book, "Homecoming" by John Bradshaw...I am working on it now. I had a 4 hour session with my T Mon...I was in no condition to go anywhere and had a 50 min drive home. HUGZ....and a shoulder to cry on...you need to cry.