[rive]

There is one memory I know is real..happened around the age of 5 and I still hold the resentment for the 'mother' that knowingly left me in the situation when I was 9 to be with a man on the other side of the world. I've never told anyone about what happened because I felt like if my mother didn't care if he did it, why whould anyone else.. I'm 32 now and shaking so bad just suggesting it without even trying to think about it... I can't even imagine trying to tell someone.

My problem with this lone memory is it's making me question dreams and other little images/clips that pop into my head at random times, a lot of times as I'm trying to get to sleep at night.. so I don't know if they're real.

I've had them in waves it seems like..first one started in high school after being rear ended by someone while riding with my cousin.. after we got out... the look on my cousins face sent my mind to another moment that i didnt recall and I'm still not sure if it was real or not...but it felt real..could actually feel sharp pains radiating out from my lower back and I was so scared... and when i managed to come back to the present and get focused, i was being questioned by a police officer about the accident and he was accusing me of being drunk because i wasn't showing any emotion.

I've had them off and on ever since that night.. I don't know what brings them on and don't know what to make of everything because they are so fragmented but so intense it's overwhelming and they're just getting worse and more frequent as time goes by and more of life piles up on top of it, feel like i'm losing my mind and it's intruding on my life enough that I don't get my work done most days because I'm stuck in a daydream or trying very hard to focus on anything else to get them to stop that I get nothing done.

I have been lashing out at my husband for no or very little reason and he's getting tired of it.. I'm getting tired of it..I feel like **** over it but I cannot deal with everything that is going on in reality much less what's happening in my mind.

I guess I'm just at a loss... anyone ever have a problem like this? how do you know whats real?

[Can't Stop Crying]

Are you seeing a therapist? Sometimes that is how traumatic memories start to surface, in bits and pieces. I can't really answer if these images are real or not, but I definitely think you would benefit from talking to a professional about what you're experiencing.

[pgrundy]

It sounds like you are having flashbacks. Flashbacks feel hallucinatory and real at the same time--it's like reliving an event.

You are describiing several symptoms of PTSD, flashbacks being one of them. Nightmares are another. The feeling of 'derealization' (not knowing what's real and what isn't) is another. Angry outbursts and bouts of depression are two more.

If you aren't seeing a therapist already, I hope you make an appointment ASAP. PTSD is treatable and in many cases it can be almost completely cured. It takes from 2 to 7 seven years depending on the severity of the trauma, how long ago it happened, and for how long it happened.

I was in therapy for PTSD for about four years. I have to go back off and on if it flares. I'm also left with recurring major depression and take meds for that. At first, I felt like you do now--like, what is real here? After years in therapy I was able to piece together enough of what I was sure of that I didn't have to keep asking myself that question. It because clear that even if some memories were distorted or not even memories, the jist of it was pretty bad and would have left anyone with emotional issues.

My memories flooded in after my dad died. It was debilitating. I was like a stranger in my own life. But with the right help it DOES get much better.

Good luck! Please come back and tell us you're in therapy or working on it.

[rive]

Thanks for the replies.. and no, I've never been in therapy or even mentioned anything to a gp. I completely clam up when any conversation heads toward talking about me so I figured any effort would be futile.. Way too difficult to think about much less talk about.. disgusting, embarrassing, humiliating...don't understand how ppl do it.

It's not really an option right now anyway, I am self employed and can't focus on work when I get the energy to attempt it so not a lot of money coming in.

Oh well.. maybe it'll just go away or at least start to wane so I can pull myself together enough to function.

Thanks again.

[(JD)]

I have been lashing out at my husband for no or very little reason

You just described very good reasons for this...

PTSD doesn't heal on it's own. Don't wait until you've lost everything and everyone to go get help.