Flashbacks and the urge to scream

in 2008, when i was 20, i had a very traumatic relationship with an older man who emotionally abused and raped me.

but when he left me, i missed him like crazy. i become a lovesick, depressed zombie for a year - just missing him, crying, obsessing

today i hate him. i can't even bear to see him photo. and i ran into him 5 months ago, and nearly had a panic attack ... thank goodness i was able to run away.

but i have flashbacks of running into him, it was terrifying. and the shame i feel as a woman for allowing myself to ever "love" him.

the flashbacks are beginning to impair my well-being. it's when i'm jogging. when i'm driving. when i'm reading. i can't take it anymore! I HATE HIM SO MUCH.

Are you seeing a therapist? I've learned some grounding techniques that have occasionally helped me stay in the moment (unfortunately, they don't always work for me) Like if you're jogging...pay attention to your feet touching the ground, listen to the birds singing, remind yourself that you are safe now.

You have nothing to be ashamed of - it was not your fault!

thanks. i am going to a new T

I wish I had some more words to support you right now, I'm struggling with my own flashbacks and torment. I wish peace for you.

You should proud of yourself you took yourself out of the relationship . I stayed in an abusive marriage for 12 years before I the strength to just leave it all out of my life once and for all . I guess in a way I'm lucky because he passed away several years ago ... I still catch myself saying his name , hateing him won't make the flashbacks go away but removeing as much of his memory as you can each day will make it stop ...

It wasn't your fault honey and I think that grounding techniques are wonderful, when they work, but sometimes when nothing else works, I just focus on breathing very long, very deep breaths. I am glad you are seeing a new therapist. Therapy is the only way I can get through when my flashbacks and nightmares are raging.

How are you feeling now palemoss?

with years of good therapy, i have gotten to the point where i can stop a new memory or flashback before it takes over.
what i did was first of course therapy and meds, then decide i had ENOUGH new memories, then identify and eliminate triggers i could control, then notice my bodily warnings of flashbacks and how to calm them, then get myself someplace safe and use the following:
deep breathing, thinking of my re-written scripts of past abuse with new endings where i fight and escape, mentally rehearsing all my bravest times of victory over and over so i could substitute those memories, visioning myself strong and powerful to push away flashbacks of helplessness, and contacting a friend to help ground and center me again. music and pets help, and sometimes i just put on my sneakers and literally run until i am spent, picturing every drop of sweat as purifying and cleansing.
just a few ideas.

thank you everyone. i really appreciate. yeah i need to take those techniques into account and use them. it's just so tormenting. it's hell. what did i ever do to deserve this? i cannot even listen to music bc it brings on flashbacks. thanks.