T's and confrontion--how?

I'm sorry this is so long I'm very upset by the whole thing and feel betrayed.

I'm not sure anyone will see this before I have to leave, but I know the reason I haven't gone to bed is becouse I don't want to think about today's therapy comming up.First I have to go see my PCP who treats me like a public drug addict #1 and delusional MI case, then I see my T who I thought I knew and could trust. Last week just before I left, why; I don't remember but the issue of me being bipolar came up. I was thown into a tailspin--we've been though this before. I'm not bipolar. If I am on antidepressants any kind I will become manic or have a mixedminia mood. On my own without medicine I've never been manic, my pdoc tells me that means I have a predilection towards bipolar but I was misdiganosed. I had a medication reaction, and should not ever take antidepressants, speed like drugs, caffine(ah-thats why I never liked coffee!), or be under constaint stress.

Then about a year ago because I have SSDI my pdocs and PCPs change constantly, I was seeing a brand new out of school pdoc and I had not been able to sleep because of the pain, everybody was in agreement that the pain was keeping me from getting restful sleep, so this new pdoc was going to put me on Ambian, but I was to scared to take it. (all the ads talk about the things you can do on sleep meds -like eat-walk-drive ect----I have a history of disassociating and walking in my sleep-I would get picked up by the police because I was walking around in my sleep ware with no shoes in MN in the cold) With my history I was terrified of it. So she said she would put me on Trazadone, in my sleep deprived state a bell went off and I asked if that was an antidepressant and she said it was an inbetween med that was used for sleep and anxiety(she didn't really lie!). A month and a half later I was in the hospital after decades of not having to be in one and everything was falling apart(I lost friends, by telling them about their drinking habits-true yes-but in a hurtful way-one did stop drinking though and is doing much better). My T was telling me I was Bipolar II mixed and this new Pdoc was saying I was bipolar I mixed, and I was back in a different hospital(a whole nother fun story I don't want to talk about). I've had the same T for years, I think its been 5 maybe 6 years, in all that time I've never been manic until this. At both hospitals I told them I could not take antidepressants and refused to take the antipsychotics they were tring to give me, so they labeled me with personality disorer NOS. (it really was a fun year, last year) Yet not one pdoc told me that the trazadone was really an antidepressant.

I was really getting bad and went to the pharmacy to talk to the pharmacist, he took one look at me and asked me to go to the little counter for counsults. He looked up my meds, I told him I felt like I was on speed, or an antidepressant--he said you are! Thats how I found out I was on a antidepressant, he wanted me to call the pdoc and get weaned off, I didn't trust her and weand myself off. The next time I saw her she couldn't believe how different I was, but refused to believe it was because of the meds. While I was in the hospital I did agree to try the Ambian and I took it with no side effects, so she gave me that and I took off for 4 months to stay with my family and when I came back told the Pdoc I was done with her. She sent me a letter telling me I was biploar and delusional and needed to see someone urgently, and asked whee to send my records. I had met the Pdoc at the pain clinic told him about all this, his was pissed off and (I saw him because all pain pat. have to have one visit with him, and that was my 1st time) told me I could see him and told me the other Pdoc was right it was a medication reaction, and he did not want their records.

So after all that, was over in Jan, I had a new Pdoc I was off the antidepressants. My T and I talked it though and she agreed I wasn't bipolar but it was a reaction to medicine. Then last week she's telling me I'm bipolar, just before I 'm leaveing! It felt like such a violation. After all the time we've been together. She tells me she likes working with me because I'm refeshingly honest, but I'm lying about this? She has twice gone with me getting off drugs, and says I'm much better off without Pdrugs? The first time was 4 years ago. I thought anyone who was bipoar had to take Pdrugs? I don't know why it feels like such a violation, theres lots of other poeple who have both bipolar and PTSD, I don't know I almost lost it, I felt on the verge of hestria, like I was going to start laughing and crying at the same time and never stop. It was like entering the twilight zone, I could hear Rod Sterling...and here is a woman, she's been in counseling with the same T for some years now, or so she thinks....lets watch now as she enters the twilight zone and finds out her T has been replaced.

I don't know if I can say anything or not. I know I don't feel comfortable. I've been angry, at her, but this this just feels like such a violation.

Hi sidestepper.

You have certainly been through a whole lot in the past few years! i'm sorry you had to go through all of this, and I'm sorry that it sounds like you were lied to by a bunch of people - I don't blame you for mistrusting the medical community.

Can you print out what you just posted to bring with you? If this woman has liked your honesty then hopefully she will appreciate this as well.

I hope you read this before you have to leave - let us know what happens when you get back.

Good luck!

so sorry for all that is going on

I think checking with a pharmasist is an excellent idea

I had a drug reaction once.... it was a combination of two drugs that was sending my heart racing.... I found a study on the internet about the combination of the two (should never be taken together... can cause heart attacks)... printed it out and gave to my doc. He was surprised. He hadn't known. Now I always check for studies on the internet.

Take care of yourself today

roses

Thank you both sooo much, I couldn't believe there was any replies so soon. I took your excelent idea and printed it and am on my way now. Thanks, you have no idea how much!!

I copied, it all and took it with me. We had a good talk. She seems to believe that if you ever have any mania reaction to antidepression then you are bipolar, but believes mine must be very very mild. She strongly feels I'm much better off w/o any of the hardcore Pdrugs. My Pdoc put me on a bloodpreasure med for the anxiety and it works really well although I still have klonopin PRN. Those are all I take. So we agreed to disagree to the mild bipolar vs medication reaction. I side with the two Pdocs on this because I figure they know more. At least I know she didn't mean she thought I needed heavy meds and she didn't mean I was showing any signs of mania. I think that was freaking me out too, because I'm not getting much sleep but thats the pain not racing ideas. So thanks for responding and sugugesting I do that. Thanks

Glad to hear it all worked out!

so glad you got it worked out with T. keep up the honesty.
two things to think about----why does it matter if you have reactions that appear manic and may indicate bipolar or cyclothymia? if it helps understand yourself, what's the problem? ----it sounds like you think most everyone is wrong about you, when many seem to be trying to help. maybe allowing yourself to consider how they may be seeing things you aren't would help you get out of this painful cycle of crises.
just a thought.

It matters greatly to me that poeple don't think I'm lieing. When I first started remembering everything my entire family started calling me a lier. Then there were the many pdoc who denyed the side effects of the medications. I quite know my own body, being told when I'm allready down that "It's all in my head" really did a number on me. I am aware I'm super sinsitive to accusations of lieing, it's something I am working on. I was misdiganosesed for years and given all kinds of pdrugs that messed me up, stopped me from going forward and having a life. I missed years of my daughters growing up because of these. I've have an equal number of pdocs tell me that I do not have bipolar, but a medicine reaction to antidepressants, and the other half tell me I'm bipolar 1 or 2 based on my reaction to antidepresants. When I look at the kinds of pdocs who said what I'm enclined to beleive the ones with more experence and who don't have their ego wraped in my diganosis. They were the docs who also spent more time with me and who I had when working (but not all-I found some good pdoc on medicare too) So I believe its a reaction to antidepressants. If I was bipolar I'd want to know so I could keep that from interfering, but the only time it comes up is when I'm on the antidepressants. I'm still really angry that Dr put me on one after I told her so many times that I can not take them and then did not answer my direct question.

I found out my T was thinking of the extreamly long rambling e-mails and letters I sent to her office. She had forgotton that happened durring the time that young pdoc put me on the antidepression. I don't expect my T's to remember everything, so once we both relized that she was baseing her remark on behavor that is yes -manic-but was from the time I had been put on medicine. The feeling of betrayal went a way, I could see her point and she saw mine. She prefers to hold on to the diganoses until she is sure it will not happen again. It was a compleat change from my normal self, and made a huge impact on her. I'm usualing very conservative in talk and dress, after 5-6 years the change was kinda big. I don't have a problem with it now, for some reson that day I felt it was judging and calling me a lier, even though my current pdoc is one that suports the medicine theory.

INSIGHT I don't know if this explains it, I just never want to lose years of my life again on all those drugs that I was on. I can't get back what I lost, but I'll never allow any pdoc to give me that many or those kinds of drugs again. I'm just lucky I have no tariea d____ I have to stop

of course. i quite understand. no one would want to be thought a liar. and i know you will find the path to more confidence so you don't feel so supersensitive. life is easier then. again, it doesn't matter what the behaviors are called so much as what they mean. your therapist is paying close attention to you and asking the right questions and perhaps not answering directly sometimes because she fears offending you.
i know it is incredibly hard, but i find that when i ease up a little, pause to breathe, remember this person is trying to help me--the i don't react as if i've been betrayed when i haven't. no big deal, just something i found helps. it's hard for me to listen and hear clearly too when i feel misunderstood. you are doing the right thing staying in treatment, and i believe better days will come. sorry if i offended in any way.

Oh, no worries about my T being worried about offinding me. We do quite a lot of that sometimes. Thats why she likes me, if I get mad about something she says I tell her,I don't run away, or never come back, or stop talking, normaly. I don't worry about telling her anything. She doesn't worry about telling me anything. This time was different, I was in a crazy place, I put a spin on things that wasn't there and she forgot I was on meds. I blew it up bigger than was nessasarry.