PTSD....

PTSD is going to be the death of me

I cannot seem to outrun or outsmart it.... I'm fine, just fine and beginning to function, and then xxxxx (I won't say what specifically causes reactions, as some may use it against me) and I'm right back as though I never had any therapy, never had any progress, never had any healing done at all.

A stupid, simple? shelter collapsed on me, authorities did nothing to help me, attorneys continue to confront me...and I do okay until.... and I wish I had died when I could have in that accident. PTSD IS NO WAY TO LIVE!

I have great faith in God... but with PTSD there is such a disconnect when the PTSD is in control.

Is there no safe place, anywhere?
Flight or fight? One or the other, there's no being human any more.

hi JD--i do get it. i hear you, and i understand.

it does feel like ptsd is "terminal" in that it appears i will die with it. and at times it causes such inner and outer misery, we might as well have died.

in my case, i have a personal family member who traumatized me, and that feels like an impossible betrayal. who can one trust? in your case, an accident befell you and afterward people you should be able to expect to do right keep harassing you. it is often more than one feels one can take.

there are times when i can push away the rage and function with some distance away from it in my daily life. my earliest abuse occurred from birth, 50 years ago. i have worked for 15 years (this May was the anniversary) to put it behind me, and still the videos play in my mind and the physical reminders rise up and cause pain and eventually possible serious consequences.
the more recent abuse was 10 years ago (this May, again), and again the perpetrator one near me.

could you be having an anniversary reaction now? i know your pain has been worse, so maybe that's contributing to the despair. one thing that helped me was writing my trauma narrative. it turned into a 20 chapter book, and it really felt like releasing pressure.

remember, even God's own son asked this cup pass from him. your faith is real, so is your suffering, and God through his son does know how you feel. God bless you!

JD,

First, take a deep breath. Yes your right, me too. But JD, even though it has been tuff, I know it has and you have a lot to work around and I do too and many of us do.

But, you are a wonderful person and in a way we are both in a legal issue and wow, can it be unbelieveable, yes we know that. And it can also be very cruel and abusive, we know that too. And the truth is it has no feelings and (it doesn't know or doesn't care to know)

Yes PTSD is a very difficult disorder, or whatever you want to call it, it is hard and it can take our will away and make us very weak and tired. But we do seem to get through it don't we.

I have seen you be very strong, your very intelligent and no, it isn't fair for you to have to deal with it. All of the people here feel that way too. And we all have to pray and try and no, it isnt easy.

But I still say that you have helped me and others and that is what we all try to do for each other. At least we have that, someone who does care and who cares to care.

Your here for a reason JD and everything you believe is a reminder of that. You may never know exactly why but you survived for a reason. Some of your posts have helped me alot JD, you have no idea. And I respect your trying every time I see you post. And if others don't like it well, tell them that you have PTSD and you are trying and in my opinion, you are doing a really good job.

Yes, we do fall back sometimes, and I took a tumble the past week and I know exactly what you are saying, why cant it just go away.
Well, when you get better we can work on that, because to tell you the truth, the answer is going to come from us. Not from a person who doesn't know what it is really like.

I have faith in you that you will get back together again. Tomarrow you will get stronger again and youll get back there. It is a part of PTSD yes. But the more you fight and work on the way you percieve it the better you will get. ME TOO

Open Eyes

Sorry it's so tough for you right now JD! I wish I had something great to say, just wanted to let you know I hear you and PTSD is horrible!

Yeah, I'm convinced my PTSD could kill me and go on without me! So much damage from so early on... My abuse started "from the crib" too. From parents and neighbors and teachers - all those a child should be able to TRUST. And strangers. In my world there was NO safe place. Except in the woods behind our house. Worse yet was while this happening to me I also had to witness what they were doing to my brother as well. Life changing!!

I'm doing therapy - taking meds - learning how to live "among people." I've spent all or most of my life being ashamed of my existance. I'd like to get a glimpse of NOT feeling that way at some point... Good Luck to you!

Some words that stand out for me:

betrayal, lack of trust, disconnect, traumatized, reminders, despair, pain, consequences...

God, therapy, meds, learning how, good luck, getting through, trying, life changing...

Thanks to all here.

me too!
good luck to all of us.

JD - What kind of therapy are you doing? Have you considered something else? You are not going to leave things as they are... its really no way to live.

I too suffer from PTSD; however, it is a completely different reason than most. My daughter died and I seen things no parent should ever have to witness. My heart breaks for those who have been traumatized as children and from those a child should be able to trust -- I just can't imagine what that is like.

I think regardless of our issues, we eventually, reach a fork in the road and we must chose to continue allowing those to control us - or - start the hard climb up from the bottom.

I hope you allow yourself gentle, peaceful times. Everyone has to travel the path and chose to remain stale-mate or chose to grow and learn...........perhaps somewhere along your journey, you'll be able to help another human being.

I've never participated on a PTSD forum before. I'm glad to see serious, helpful discussions here. This is something I haven't really talked about to most people but I hope I can begin to talk about these things here.

Your welcome to come and talk GingerBlue. There are very nice people here that understand the struggle of PTSD and it has been a very supportive informative place for me.

Open Eyes

Well I've come up for air once again. Thanks to all who support me.

We're throwing all the books at me and some of it actually sticks. I'm a complicated person perhaps? I am progressing... it's just so difficult to see where I was as opposed to where I feel I "should" (gasp ) be... where I want to be. It's terribly difficult to heal when the abuse continues...and it does by way of the lawyers and the system itself. Part of my PTSD is that those who "should have" acted upon my behalf did nothing! So when the system promotes that same effect (or any place, even here at PC) ...when I get the sense that way... then I'm triggered. Not to mention the actual idea of the fear of being injured more/again in thunderstorms etc.

One foot in front of the other.

I think also that the pain disorder promotes so much bad in my life... ruining my sleep routines (if I ever get them to be routine!) and eating patterns.. you know what I mean? My whole life gets tossed in the air all the time, or at least it feels that way, and at those points in time I have to stop and drop anything and everything and focus totally on managing my pain, stress etc., nothing else. (though I sneak into PC to help distract myself.)

i know exactly how your feeling, wish i had a answer but sadly i dont just know your not alone in this........there is tons of us right along side of you just trying to survive

Hey JD, I hear you. PTSD sucks the big one. Thinking of you and wishing positive thoughts for you.

Cats.

Hi JD good to see your posting hope your feeling better.

I could have written much of your post myself. Especially about the Legal issues and feeling I have been let down by not only that but by the police that never came out and the dog warden that didn't get out until a new fence system was installed and the neighbor began to lie. If an officer would have gone out when I called they would have heard the truth from the neighbor before their insurance company told them to deny and not talk.

I know what you mean by saying it doesn't take much of a push to shove you back down. One day at a time is really all you can do and even it can be one moment at a time.

Those of us that struggle do understand and at least you have comfort in that.
At least you can come and talk and know that there are people who can say me too.
All we can do is keep trying JD. I hope you have recovered from your bout with phneumonia.

Open Eyes