[Deeb]

I always think I am doing well until the PTSD kicks in, and it is always such a surprise. I often don't realize it until I am driving and I realize that I feel disoriented. I was reminded this past couple of months when my abuser died that the PTSD will probably never go away, but hopefully the effects will lesson.

i thought that I would be glad that he was dead, but I wasn't. I wasn't happy. I wasn't sad. I was just upset. Upset. He died a pretty horrible death from throat cancer, but I don't think I thought he suffered enough. Then again, I don't think he could ever suffer enough to redeem himself from the horrible things he did. I guess I wasn't prepared for him to die yet for some reason.

I was able to finally tell my mother that I can't see her and pretend that everything is ok. I will never understand why she continued to maintain a relationship with her brother after I told her what he did and others verified he had done the same to them, but I no longer feel obligated to maintain a relationship with her. I did everything I could to be a good daughter, and I now realize that no matter what I did it was always about her. I did all I could do and I have no regrets.

Anyone have any thoughts. Am I delusional about not having any regrets about not maintaining a relationship with my mother? I wonder sometimes, but I feel so much better when I have no contact with any of my family. It has been such a relief for me.

[Open Eyes]

No, I dont think it is bad. Your mother is denying your issue with the abuser. With PTSD, victims dont like to be denied of the truth so it isn't healthy to be around people who do so.

If you feel better being away from your mother, that is ok, you don't have to continue to feed her selfishness. She obviously doesnt care about you. Just don't blame yourself for that, her issues not yours.

You need to take care of yourself and allow the PTSD to ease up.

Open Eyes

[pgrundy]

I feel the same way about having PTSD. I always feel like "l'm over it" until it hits me again. Over the years it does get less disruptive, but that doesn't mean it can't still get bad when I'm under severe stress, especially if the stress includes any old triggers.

If it makes you feel any better, I didn't attend my own mother's funeral. We were estranged at the time, but the main reason was that I would have had to be there with a group of men who assaulted me and were never charged or punished. (My parents helped to protect them--it's a long story.)

I made the decision to give up on my original family about three years into therapy for flashbacks back in th early 90s. I hear from my two sisters very occasionally if someone dies or is in the hospital. Otherwise, I'm much better off estranged.

Some things you just can't fix, no matter how much you might want to. All I can really do is take care of myself and pray on the rest.

Good luck. I really related to your post.

[(JD)]

PTSD is a beast of a disorder in that sense.... at times lies quietly waiting until WHAM! I am amazed, simply amazed at how at times I feel so in control...and then am triggered--with realizing it at first--even after 24 years !

[Can't Stop Crying]

PTSD is frustrating, just when you think you think you have it under control, it rears it's ugly head. I have cut off contact with my parents and it was the best thing I could do for myself. I tried for years to build a healthy relationship with them before I realized they would never change. It wasn't good for me to pretend any longer and keep the family secrets as I was expected to. Sometimes I miss the concept of having parents, but I don't miss my parents at all, They were toxic and bringing me down. I often wonder how I will feel when my abusers die...I know they will never be held accountable, but I wonder if their death would bring me some type of closure.

Sorry it's tough right now...keep on fighting - you deserve to feel well!