This isn't the first time as I have had a violent and traumatic past.

What is freaking me out is that i thought i was over this and my T said it today and said it's because of my husband and him being so volatile.

We argue a lot. He yells at me and insults me. i'd have to say I'm in somewhat of a domestic violence situation in a mental kind of way.

He gets violent against objects.....he kicked the crap out of his motorcycle so badly it needed about 2 Thousand dollars worth of fixing...he broke a door in the house and threw stuff everywhere when he couldn't find something....his displays of violence bring me back to my violent past and i do fear that he won't be able to control his rage one day and hurt me.

I can't sleep, i keep thinking I'm seeing things and jumpy all the time....
I never thought i'd get into this kind of situation again.

Please don't tell me to leave - I know what I need to do - right now I just needed to share that i can't believe i'm having PTSD symptoms for like the 3rd time in my life, for the 3rd trauma....I thought I was finally smart enough to not be in a situation like this and i'm just stupid stupid stupid.

[skeksi]

You're not stupid, not at all. Actually, it is quite often for survivors to find themselves in the same situation more than once, for complicated reasons.

You are having these reactions because you are in a scary situation. Any person would be flinching and scared if their partner were violent against objects in the home and verbally abusive. Your history makes you especially attuned to it; the PTSD reactions are a way your brain and body are trying to protect you.

You are worth protecting. Do you have friends or family you can reach out to, in order to get more support and figure out what you want to do? Real time support is so important.

You're not stupid. Being in this situation has nothing to do with your intelligence. It stinks, but you a strong person who gets to choose what you do next, whatever feels right to you.

[(JD)]

There is no cure for PTSD. Depending upon your level of healing with therapy will determine how strongly it returns when triggered, imo. You won't be able to heal much when having to fight/flight in the relationship you have...so be kind and gentle with yourself until you can be safe.

[purple_fins]

I know so well that montra-- "I'm stupid, stupid, stupid"

Maybe, like me you feel if you were smart this wouldn't be happening?....

that's my thought process anyway......

I hope you don't get hurt. Someone throwing things and such can certainly end up with YOU being the one "dented".... take it from me and the black eye I had for H throwing something and my face happened to be in the path of it's flight. I hope something like that doesn't happen to you (there's also been broken ceiling fan blades, holes in walls and other stuff)

YOU are NOT stupid. (Please know that)
We may find ourselves in similar situations, with similar tempermented people as adults that we had as children. Maybe someone in your childhood, like mine, took their anger/frustration out in violent ways..?...

I'm sorry this is happening again for you. It's so upsetting, I understand.

Please try and keep safe.

fins

Maybe someone in your childhood, like mine, took their anger/frustration out in violent ways..?...

Childhood and teens was SA

It was my ex boyfriend - someone that to look at you'd never know he could possibly beat up people - that I was so embarassed to be a part of because i went back to him several times with my family knowing what he did- swore after getting out of the relationship that I would never get into something like that again....Now i'm with my husband, who I should have known better...he told me the night before our wedding i was imcompetent...and 2 nights later threw his ring at me.
But got very offended when I told him he reminded me of my ex.
I told him I live in fear of getting him upset.
And here I am,

Do you have friends or family you can reach out to, in order to get more support and figure out what you want to do? Real time support is so important.

only 3 friends know and 2 have offered me a place to stay - I have the code to her security and know where the key is - I have the keys to my other friend's place and can go there at any time.

T told me not to make any big decisions right now.
I just hate myself for feeling like this. I feel so weak. i considered myself a survivor and now i feel like I am a victim again.

[Open Eyes]

If you were a survivor once you can be again. Practice makes perfect? Oh I hate to put it that way but clearly you are a trusting individual and you did not see the signs but you are not in that boat alone. So many people never see it coming and it is usually the good ones that really want to trust. I can raise my hand on that one.
So see, your not alone, don't hate yourself and it is normal to feel this way.

Go easy on yourself ok? You can get through this.
Open Eyes