[FakingSmiles]

Hey everyone.
I'm a high school girl that's having issues forgetting the past. This is my first time posting a thread so I hope I'm not doing it wrong some how. Sorry if I am or this wasn't worth you reading....
Today I was hanging out with a newer guy friend of mine. He's really sweet and caring but he wants to be more then just friends, and it makes me feel like such a terrible person because I haven't been able to handle a real relationship in a long time. I feel like I can't trust anyone to keep myself from getting hurt again. He kept hugging me and holding me.... He didn't understand why I kept pulling away and didn't want him to touch me. Especially my stomach. I told him I'm just really self conscience but it's so much more then that.... I don't know how much longer people are going to believe that.... And today I almost told him because I want someone to know so badly. I want someone to understand why I am the way I am.
When I was in second grade I started going to a day care called Learning Tree everyday after school. I loved it. I met this girl two grades ahead of me and thought it was the coolest thing in the world that an older girl wanted to be my friend. It was my first year going to a new school so I didn't have very many friends. She was really nice to me and introduced me to two other boys in her grade that went to the day care too. I became part of their group. I didn't talk to anyone else because she got mad when I did, she always wanted me at arms length. But not long after that she started telling me to go into one of the bathroom stalls with her. At first she didn't do very much, she hugged me and sometimes touched my butt. But it slowly started getting worse.... Now everyday she took me into that stall with her. Taking my clothes off and touching me places that I wasn't used to being touched, playing with my panties and asking me to touch her. I didn't want to do it but I was to scared of what she would do if I told anyone, so I didn't. Once I was in third grade she started having the two guys come in too. They started out kissing my body then gradually moved to making me do things to them. With them. Things I haven't done since. One day I told them I didn't want to anymore and almost wet my pants when I saw how mad they were. That night when my mother picked me up, I told her I fell down the stairs. She believed me. The next school year they were gone. Everyday at daycare I would sit by myself, scared to become friends with anyone else. I never went back in that bathroom. It was even worse at school because sometimes I would see the girl in the hallway visiting her old teachers and didn't want her to see me with anyone. The next year my mother made me change schools because she thought I just couldn't make friends.
Years later I found out that the three of them had been held back two years together. They were supposed to be in sixth grade and were sexually abusing a second grader. I often still have nightmares. For a long time my mind blocked the memory but it's recently started to come back in flashbacks like it happened yesterday. I cringe every time someone touches me. Her favorite spot to feel was my stomach. Now whenever someone touches it I unintentionally yell at them to stop and have to hold back tears.
She's still controlling my life years and years later and I don't know how too get past it and be normal for once.... This is the first time I've ever told anyone about what happened, no one knows. No one. Not even my best friend of 4 years.
Does anyone have any advice on what to do? Because the things that I've found that makes me forget for a while I shouldn't be doing. I need help and it's not easy for me to reach out.... Especially like this. Please, anyone. Anything will help even if you think it won't. Please.

[Christina86]

I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. Welcome!

Do you have a school counselor you would feel comfortable telling? Maybe a crisis phone line or a youth line? Do you WANT to tell this guy? Or do you want to do something else?

[splitimage]

Can you talk to your parents? You could probably benefit from seeing a counsellor or therapist and your parents could help you get one.

I know how hard it is to talk about this, and you were very brave for writing about it here, but you need to talk about it to get help, and your parents would probably want to help you.

splitimage

[Open Eyes]

Fakingsmiles,
I had something similar happen to me. And I know what it feels to have reservations about expressing or recieving affection. I am so glad you let this out aren't you?
It is a beginning and I bet you are feeling very uneasy for letting you hang out here arent you. I went through that too. I tried once but I errased it. But you are leaving it, good for you.

Well you were very young and you just didn't understand and you felt frightened and didn't know who to tell. I know what that is like. But now you need to heal and address it. And that will really help you.

First, your body belongs to you. And you have to reclaim it. When you do that, than it will be easier to enjoy it in a much healthier way. Your not evil or bad or ruined. But you do need to talk about it and you should find a therapist, one that you can trust, and I think it should be a woman.

Now, I don't know how close you are with your mother, it may be too uncomfortable for you to approach her. But I am sure if she knew she wouldn't be mad at you, she would be mad that it happened to you. That should have never happened, they did not supervise at that school well, and they should be told that not only did it happen but that they have to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Those other children learned that somewhere, maybe from an adult, they will eventually suffer too and may even feel extremely troubled and guilty about it some day. They need therapy too.

I know it is hard to come forward but I am sure your not the only one, as you stated someone else now has suffered. Not fair for that other person either.

It is important that grownups know that this can happen and to take steps to make sure that other children don't experience this. It was not your fault, you didn't understand and I know you feel guilty. But don't feel guilty.

You can either talk to a school nurse, or a guidance coucelor, someone you feel comfortable with. But you do need to have therapy. You will learn how to address the nightmares and flashbacks. You can get over this, you have taken the first step. Good for you.

Lets think about the next step and see if we can help you figure that out.

Open Eyes

[Missingno]

Oh my God (and I almost never use that phrase), I didn't know that little kids were committing rape!

Well, I can see why you don't trust anyone after that. My best advise is to tell your parents about this. After that, if you feel you're up to it, tell your boyfriend about it too. If he really cares about you, he'll understand and try to help you. If he doesn't and tries to rape you, immediately run and tell your parents.

[FakingSmiles]

Thanks everyone who responded. I was having second thoughts about posting this until I saw that Open Eyes had something similar happen and how much you all care. I am seeing a therapist but I just can't find it in myself to tell her about what happened. Im not talking to that guy I mentioned anymore because I ran out of excuses to answer his questions. Is there crisis and youth lines for stuff like this? I didn't think there was, just for suicide/self harm. I really don't want it to happen to anyone one else, but I'm scared that if I tell anyone they will take advantage of me instead of help me.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by FakingSmiles

Thanks everyone who responded. I was having second thoughts about posting this until I saw that Open Eyes had something similar happen and how much you all care. I am seeing a therapist but I just can't find it in myself to tell her about what happened. Im not talking to that guy I mentioned anymore because I ran out of excuses to answer his questions. Is there crisis and youth lines for stuff like this? I didn't think there was, just for suicide/self harm. I really don't want it to happen to anyone one else, but I'm scared that if I tell anyone they will take advantage of me instead of help me.

((((Faking Smiles))))
Good name, I did that for years and always felt like an imposter. I'm wondering if you have the right T (here that means thearpist) with the right T you should feel comfortable to think about being able to one day tell (him/her) about this without feeling that she will take avantage of you. As your T she has to keep your story confidentially, it happened a while a go, so it will be up to you what you want to do. Talking to a T or Crisis line(yes they have them for this too, check under woman, abuse...I'll check for the nation teen web site unless someone here already knows it ands gets it to you first) will give you the options that you have beyond sharing and empowering yourself by sharing your story.

That really was brave. You did a fantastic job. I didn't remember what happened to me and when I did remember, it came back bit by bit, and I wasn't sure it was real or not. But you have a lot of options and you can say no to all of them unless you are ready. If for any reason you are not compleatly comfortable w/ this T you can change, you don't need a reason. I realize your mom and dad pay for it, but you can just say its not working, or I'm not comfortable, maybe that will lead to a break though with this T? You can call a crisis line, see a counsler at school, you can find out if you city has a shelter for abused woman, they often have conseling for free, and if you are ready you can meet others your age that have been though similar experiences. Every shelter is different so please don't get your hopes up. I used to be on a board for a womans shelter, and the hardest step is the one you took when you typed your story. Hang in there.

[Open Eyes]

My fear was that people would not believe me because I kept quiet for so long.
But as you have seen here Missingno had no idea that this happens with children.
But it does, and you and I know it. It has to be understood by parents and especially schools and nursery schools. It can and does happen with young children.

But no one will really know unless it is revealed. Remember that. I was a brownie leader and one of the girls quietly told me her brother and his friend were attacking her. I made dam sure I told that girls single mother as she was often leaving the young girl home in care of her brother, not a good idea, it happened to me too.

Open Eyes

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by FakingSmiles

Thanks everyone who responded. ..... Is there crisis and youth lines for stuff like this? I didn't think there was, just for suicide/self harm. I really don't want it to happen to anyone one else, but I'm scared that if I tell anyone they will take advantage of me instead of help me.

It didn't take me long to find it, and there are others now too, I'm just not to sure if you will have access, depending on the words. The best site one that has been around for along time and has hotlines via computer as well as phone is RAINN.org This site is now the offical site for the military, so don't get freaked out if you see the ads for them, they need a safe place too. This can tell you local shelters, I think it can connect you to a teen chat, after you are hooked up, has lots of good info and your state info. A nother site that is just a listing is pamf.org you need to type in teen hotlines, to get a listing for yourself. A good sorce to help with dating questions is loveisrespect.org it is a national dateting abuse helpline that helps you answer questions like you had, do you tell, guys your history, how, when. Then there was two new ones for me but looked good, but remember you never know who's on the other end of a computer. the first has a chatline for teens monatered by Boystown that is yourlifeyourvoice.org and last is loveourchildrenusa.org click for the teen chats there is one for those who have had sexual trama. I hope this is ok by the rules of this forums. But these seem to be good hotlines and I know Rainn is. (((faking Smiles))) You are not alone there are many who have been abused and left afraid. Its ok to feel afraid, but I'm sorry you had to go though that, all my best to you.

[yellowted]

just a thought , if you find it difficult to broach this with your T, why not write her a letter about it or print off what you wrote on here and hand it to her. She will have heard of similar before, so it will not be a suprise for her. i find it much easier to hand a letter over, i then try to concentrate on 'wow, i really did it, i really have told her, i really handed her the note' that way i only feel uneasy for a few minutes while she reads it rather than squirming to find the right words and explaining misunderstandings!

[skeksi]

The Boys Town National Hotline is not just for boys, it's for kids and teens who need to talk about a serious issue. Their number is 1-800-448-3000.

They can help you figure out what you want to do. It wasn't right, what happened to you. I'm sorry it happened.