[phoenix7]

Its almost that time of year again ...5 years next month till i got the present of PTSD from a piece of **** ... sorry, I am in the middle of a storm of rage at the moment so please excuse anythign i say that offends you ...or get me deleted cos I DONT CARE...sorry..... sigh....

and now i want to cry lol how dumb is that - but its ok I dont cry ....inside i do ...but i have no tears left...

I got to work tnoight I have been handling things wel - the anniversary is almost here and i had even managed to put it out of my mind...

and the storeroom where the guy came at me from at work - well they have taken the door off to re-use cos we are going to a temporary building whie a new building is being built - so i walk in and I see what I saw that night - minus man wiht metal pole of course lol and I didnt even realise it but I got SOOO ANGRY - i was being mean to the person i was/am working with (am on my break) hurtful and spiteful ... and thats not me ...or MAYBE IT IS OR SHOULD BE - maybe then they wouldnt have taken the frikkin door off wihtout even a second thought to what the hell it would do to me inside !!!!!!!!

ARRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! 10 hour shift......... 3 hours left and im a basket case....... and I want to scream and smash things and cry and run and shake my fist at the air and ........

IT SUPPOSED TO BE OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO BE TRIGGERED ITS BEEN 5 FRIKKIN YEARS

ITS A STUPID DOOR!!!!!!!

ON A STUPID ROOM!!!!!

AND THERE IS NOONE IN THERE NOW!!!

and i'm shaking and i want to run and hide...

and i feel such a fool and ...

I wish i could post this where no one would see - I'm ashamed....

but i need to say these things.........I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!

AND I HATE THE ME THAT CANT GET PAST IT

I died that night ....

he never hurt me but i died anyway....

and all there is left is the rage and the ghost and the person i made up and even she is a waste of space

I dont want to bring anyone down

I HATE THIS

and my T is dead - LONG LIVE T !

we're both dead...

only my body doesnt know it yet...

[phoenix7]

im home and im calm again and im sorry i posted - i guess the 8 people who read and didnt leave any words feel the same lol

I hope i didnt trigger anyone

take care

i wont be so dumb again

sorry

Phoenix,I had no idea you were feeling this pain,I only just now read .I am sooo sorry you are feeling afraid,triggered,angry,and alone.And I really wish you didn't have to walk through this painful s***.You are having flashbacks,anxiety,and a righteous anger.Do you have any close friends or family that you could sit and visit with?Someone to give you the support that you need?Is there a hotline in your area?Can you google to see?You need to try and get enough rest,use distractions in between times that you can discuss it with someone supportive,avoid caffeine,don't self medicate,force yourself out of the cycle by choosing to do something....anything which may busy you and take your mind out of where you're at.Are there any support groups where you are?You need someone who would just listen,or to journal your feelings/thoughts.I is such a burden on your heart.Please look at this site: http://ptsd.about.com/sitesearch.htm...sd&SUName=ptsd

Soothing Music - YouTube

I hope this helps a little hon,Please go easy on you at this time.

[Open Eyes]

((((((phoenix7)))))

Ok, first if 8 people read your rant and didn't reply it didn't mean your rant was bad or that you should have never let it out. Because this is exactly the place to let it out. The people who may have read your rant may be new and not know how to answer you. Or someone might have felt it but just didn't have an answer for it.
But you definitely did right by coming and letting it out, because it gives someone who DOES relate and understand a chance to see it and respond.

Phoenix7, I can totally relate to that whole rant, I have been there many times.
And even now I still go to that place your were today. And odd as it might seem, I have a door thing too. And you took the words right out of my mouth because even when I stand at a door and slam it and stare at it, if I am busy and doing something and a door shuts suddenly, like my husband coming in the house, even if I am sound a sleep and he opens or closes the bedroom door, I am filled with a jerk of anxiety in a split second. And I am so mad that I know about doors now, but I still have that reaction. How awful that it is so deeply ingrained in me that doors still startle me.
And as far as the anger? I can relate to that as well. And I had a flashback right in front of my mother that I never saw coming and suddenly there were so many doors and I was trapped in that flashback and I truely could not talk. And SHAME? oh yes because I knew that I could not explain it to a woman who never experienced a flashback and I pretty much spent my whole life keeping it a secret.

Now, while your mind is fresh stop and think about what may have caused that to happen. Something triggered that, it could have been that you were running late for work and were anxious or it could have been something on the grill that gave off the same scent before the real experience happened. It could have something someone said that triggered it, how someone passed by you with a comment. Flashbacks carry a lot messages too, so think about what you saw and everything in it and how there could have been something there today that you dont consciously remember that triggered that flashback. And that is how we begin to dismantle flashbacks. And its challenging too because maybe it was the fact that the door was missing that triggered it. But your the one that is going to have to rethink that day and see if you can figure out what triggered it and then let it come forward in your mind and remind yourself that you are ok now and talk yourself through it.

I have to admit that I had a similar experience when I went to a doctors visit the last time and I had asked for a new doctor because my regular doctor doesn't get PTSD and he triggers me now. And I felt anxious about changing doctors and I also worried about what would happen if I ran into my old doctor, so anxiety was already there. But when I got called and was shown into the examining room the new doctor came in and he has a young trainee with him and he wanted the trainee to tend to me. WRONG PATIENT TO DO THAT WITH, and I quickly said no and today is not that day for me but they pressed the issue until I almost had to yell, but not quite, but it was there if they kept pushing. So they both left me in the room and I went right into a flashback of when my brother and another boy dragged me off a swing and I was so little, maybe 3 and they took off all my clothes and stared at me and scared the hell out of me. And I had to fight with all my will to not get up and run out of that examining room to the nearest exit. And I didn't but I was very upset and it was clear on the face of the nurse and the doctor that they thought I was a lune. And ANGER? oh yes I was angry, ashamed, embarrassed and I cried all the way home feeling like a disaster. And if I had to stay there and work 8 hours, I don't know what I would do.

So, its not you phoenix7, it is the PTSD and yes, it is frustrating. Take time to walk yourself through it quietly and calmly and see what was in the flashback that you may not have experienced yet or remember yet and see if you can pinpoint a trigger. I hope you read this tonight while it is still fresh in your mind and try to be calm and walk your way through it and just let it settle. You haven't quite worked out your triggers yet or gotten over it, and flashbacks can help you do that if you can learn how to say yes, which means to your brain, yes I see it, it was troubling and I am ok now. The brain doesn't know years, it just knows that sense of urgency, surprise and it came so suddenly. So you have to keep working on it and find ways to calm yourself and even grieve it.

Now, think about it and try to calm down because reacting all over again only reinforces the trama, so you don't want to do that and I know it is hard, me too.

And if you need to come here and talk some more about it, please come and let it out because there are people here that know how it feels and can relate. I am one of them. And I know verbatum all about your rant, I do it too.

Ok? Here is some big HUGS and tender HUGS that say, yes I hear you I understand its ok.

Open Eyes

it is ok to rage. better to rage & know it than to rage & be totally unaware of it..ya know that happens at times...

i get it..i just came on line & saw the thread so here i am letting you know I HEAR YOU. YOU ARE NOT WRONG OR STUPID OR ANYTHING.

breathe deep. breathe slow. plant your feet. settle your center.

works for me when the world shifts..as it often does. things pass...yeah events should not have happened & that sucks butb for not even tho it doesn't feel like it WE ARE SAFE.

I GOT YOUR BACK. NOT TO WORRY.

stumpy

[unaluna]

We all got your back.

[phoenix7]

thank you all - but its not safe..... hard to explain - it is safe - i am safe - but not from harm - too late for that lol but i am ok now - just crying inside and a sngle sile nt tear on the outside lol how dumb is that...

i gues it waa the door not being there and seeing in the storeerommo wher he came from and knwoing that again they didnt give a **** aboutg me or how i would fell - after all its almost 5 years ... its my problem

and im losing a friend in slow painful steps ..... and i stepping bakc into my shell so i wonnt be hut agian but its way too late for that

way too late..

I soo understand wanting to go within to avoid the pain of caring,it is so scary,and feels so vulnerable.Hugs