[natozlato]

I have a boyfriend who I have been living with for 6 months. He is a kind and loving person and very supportive to me. I am at my wits end to help him anymore and am pretty much decided to leave because I am not helping him. Nonetheless I would like for someone to help me understand what is going on since I think I can still try to get some help before I make this break with him.

I have tried to take him to a psychiatrist but because we live in a very poor country and health resources are very bad I don't think we found a good psychiatrist. After a twenty minute exam, I was told by the doctors that my boyfriend is normal but that he has issues with commitment and that since I am a dominant person he has problems with reactions to me. I know this is totally wrong. Nor do I believe a diagnosis can be made so quickly.

His problems are as follows: He exhibits angry outbursts. Sometimes they are at the drop of a hat. If I tell him to put on a jacket when it is cold outside he gets angry and rips his jacket to shreds. If he is late to get somewhere he needs to be he has been known to lie down on a busy street while cars are about to run over him and I cant get him up. He has punched walls and windows and mutliated his hands as a result. After an argument with me once he ran out onto the balcony and put one leg over. Thankfully he never jumped. He does not just get agitated because of me. Sometimes he gets angry because he can't find his keys. And the result is the same.

Another symptom is that :He is very afraid of commitment he keeps saying that he is not made for children, mairrage etc.... In addition to this he was completely and utterly impotent and has been for 4 years.

His last psychiatrist and I worked on these problems with him for several weeks in December. When he started being able to have sex again the psychiatrist said that we did not need to come anymore. I knew this was a bad idea. But what could I do. For a while everything was ok. He was able to have sex regularly and the anger outbursts were extremely sporadic and when they did occur they lasted seconds. He moved in with me and we enjoyed a period of tranquility. On New Years eve he proposed to me. I was on cloud 9 because I really love him.

One sticking issue that we did continue to have was the amount of time he wanted to go out. He really really likes to be with his male friends. We compromised about it because at one time he just spent too much time with them. So he did bring it down and that was fine. However what he could not change was the fact that he would just go out without informing me or he would say he would come home at one time and just show up hours later.
Two weeks ago I got angry at him for this. He screamed at me and yelled and told me that he was not cut out for relationships and that he did not want mairrage etc... the same old thing. He had an angry outburst and he broke his fist on the wall.

I know that I made the mistake that many women make since I thought that love and caring could help him overcome this. I see now that I cant do that. Yet I also feel like I cant abandon him. However I need to know what I am facing? Is this PTSD? Or is it something else.

For him I will turn the world around to help. And he is willing to go to counselling.

One more thing:
The reason I think it is PTSD is that we live in the Balkans and fought for over 6 years during 1991-1995 and again from 1999 to 2000 in Kosovo. He was exposed to hell for a long period of time.

I think I may have access to military doctors that have experience with this. I just need to know what I am facing to help.

Can you help me? PS he has no physical problems we already checked this out. He is healthy and his impotence is psychiatric not physical.

[Rapunzel]

I'm not qualified to diagnose anybody, and of course haven't met your boyfriend either, but I'm not sure that what you are describing sounds like PTSD. That doesn't mean that he doesn't have PTSD - just that the symptoms you have described don't really sound like that to me.

The main sympsoms of PTSD include three major types:

1. <LI>reexperiencing of the event (could be images, flashbacks, nightmares, etc.)<LI>emotional numbing or detachment (a sense of disconnection from the world, as well as dissociation)<LI>hypervigilence or chronic arousal (which means not being able to relax - always being on guard and ready to take action)

One thing about PTSD though is that it is very common for people to have it to also have other problems, often including depression, substance abuse, other anxiety disorders, and anger management problems. It sounds like he definitely has anger management issues.

What was he like before the fighting? Did his problems mostly start after that?

As you have found out, you can't make someone better. If he does the work that it takes to deal with his problems, he could get better, but it is really up to him. Even being willing to go to counseling isn't enough - he has to actively work on this.

It must be very hard on you to live with this situation. For one thing, it hurts to watch someone you love suffer. Also, when they get mad and react violently over little things that must keep you constantly on edge. If you can, you might want to consider counseling for yourself in order to deal with your living situation.

I wish you the best, whatever you decide to do.

<font color=orange>"Everyone has a need for significance; and if we can't make that possible, or even probable, in our society, then it will be obtained in destructive ways." -Rollo May</font color=orange>

[natozlato]

He is very hyper often. It was hard for his to sit in one place a lot. So I would say that the on guard stuff is present. He would have bad dreams at night. But he would say the devil was coming to get him when I asked what they were about.

But before the fights.... well sometimes he would be in a totally good mood and then WHAM. Of course sometimes he would be in a bad mood to begin with but that was rare because usually he is very sweet and in a happy mood. He is not depressive. In fact 99 % cheerful.

It has been very difficult for me. I thought that I could help and I have ended up really really having a hard time. He ended up telling me last night again that he was not cut out for love or mairrage or children. So I let him go. I fell extremely alone and desolate and sad but my life has been a roller coaster for six months now and I need some sleep.

Thank you for the kind and thoughtful advice. Outside input is always the best because it is detached.

LOL

[natozlato]

Thanks to all of you for suggesting therapy. But I have to say that is not the magic wand all of you think it is.

[(JD)]

It could be PTSD. The military would be an excellent source of help if it is. War is tough. Some of his symptoms look like the war took some control from him, and thus something that might look like lack of commitment, being really inability to be controlled without triggering.

Again, if you can, seek out the military. Here in USA the program for PTSD with the military is a superb service. The sooner he gets help, if it is PTSD, the better. If it is PTSD and he doesn't get diagnosed and treated, well, he won't get better and may become full time rageful, or even the opposite of acting out: reclusive.

Let us know what he decides. For you also, it's a long haul...

<font color=green>...I can misspeak like the best of us</font color=green>

[natozlato]

Well like I told you all HE LEFT ME. So now I can't get him to do anything. His sister came over to visit me yesterday and she told me that he is back to going out every night and staying out late with all kinds of loser freinds from his military days.

She also told me something I did not know. She said that he used to use marijuana. That he quit while he was with me but that she now suspects that he is using again.

Anyway, I guess I have been released of my problem of what to do. I can't do anything now.

But I am really feeling alone with out him and so so very let down about his return to what we all know is not a good place for him to be.

Your kind words heal my heart. Thanks to all of you.

[(JD)]

((((nat)))) sorry you feel so alone. Why don't YOU go out? Even though you really don't feel like it, it will help with the loneliness some.

<font color=green>...I can misspeak like the best of us</font color=green>

[natozlato]

because going out has made it worse. Some of my friends took me out to bars this week and I cam home crying my eyes out. Instead I have tried to go out to the movies or something quieter.

I know it will get better. But this whole thing has really been hell on me. And after all the time invested. I feel like I have been kicked in the teeth.

Thanks for the nice wishes.

[(JD)]

Yeah, I understand. The more active, loud music etc causes my symptoms to become worse. It's too much input, overwhelming sensory responses... and the movie would have to be pretty quiet for me. When I go out to eat I used to have to ask for no smoking, and no children! It was all too stressful for me.

Your symptoms are probably flared now because of the current situation. Hang in there..

<font color=blue>...I can misspeak like the best of us</font color=blue>