[(JD)]

I don't work, can't (honest.) I don't really "do" anything fun or marvelous etc ... Now, I have been invited by a national conference center to come and enjoy a week (seminar of my choosing) with them... few get INVITED...( even those who want to go , have to go through channels to be approved)

It was being a tough week for me... so when I opened this letter, I tried to enjoy the experience...

BUT (and there's always a BUT with PTSD) now I'm getting so anxious and second guessing and trying NOT to get to the point of telling myself lies to rationalize not going...

I thought at first I would take the train! How cool would that be? I could sleep, or not, move about a little etc.

Not. The train can't go through New Orleans (um YEah, katrina damage) so I would have to go to the NE, lay over in Washington DC and then again in Chicago...and it would take longer and cost twice as much. So that's out.

OK, I'll take the bus! Not. It takes 2 1/2 days... I can't be restrained/constricted/immobile like that... would be sheer torture and pain/fatigue flare.

Ok... I thought about driving, but it would take me 3 weeks to do this one week of conference and that's not even thinking about finding gas stations, etc. no... I really can't do that either.

Now... fly? As I have "progressed" in my disability and PTSD I have been able less and less to fly...to the point where just thinking about it causes near unbearable anxiety. I know part of it is the noise... triggering me back to the thunderstorm when I was injured... and to Hurricanes that further traumatized me...

and part is the confinement... (get me out of here!) dehydration is a factor... I have already decided I'd leave my old service dog with someone who had offered in the past..so I'd be alone. (assuming he's still alive in 5 months... that's another thread I haven't begun... he's really having trouble breathing tonight. )

I have more to say on the matter.. I mean, what's in my brain right now.. but I'll wait...

I really want to be able to do this. I'm trying not to feel sad already that I can't do this... like so many other things in my life.

[Rapunzel]

You know what, Sky? Somebody really has got to invent teleportation. It would make life so much easier. I've asked several people I know to work on that, and they still have not come through for me. I'm not sure how much effort they even put into the project. Maybe you can figure it out. You have the motivation!

Seriously, that sounds like a tough decision. It would be great to be able to go to that conference. You have some real concerns about the transportation though. Would earplugs help? I'm not going to presume to try to tell you what to do, as only you know how much you want to go and how hard it would be for you to get there. If you don't go, you won't be out anything and you can still feel honored that you were asked.

((((((hugs))))))))
Rap

[bipolar_bear]

oh Sky what a predicament you are in. It seems that no matter which way you turn there are huge obstacles. Do you think you could work with your t specifically on flying prior to going and take some meds that would help? i am sorry that is the best i can come up with right now. it seems like such an opportunity to go and that you really would like to. maybe someone could go with you and help either with driving or flying? i wish i had an answer for you.

i agree that even if you find you can not make it feel honored that you were even asked. i hope you find a solution.

[JustBen]

I like bear's idea. It doesn't seem like any of these are great choices for you right now, but maybe if you really worked on one of them, you could get to the point where it was do-able, if not pleasant.

[gardenergirl]

I really hope you get to go. What a set of obstacles you face. That's such a shame in this day and age.

If you aren't able to travel, is there any chance you could participate via the computer and telephone? Most colleges these days have the ability to teleconference. It wouldn't be the same, but it might be a reasonable option if travel is out of the question.

((((sky)))) Congrats on your invitation. I'm sure it's well-deserved.

gg

[(JD)]

Thanks all. My T and his partner do have virtual reality set-up in another room... but I've even become "unglued" when the partner used it with one ofhis patients (some part of the flying phobia thing... guess the engine start up? Can trigger me if I'm near it (in hallway.)

I don't think they have rainstorm scenario but the flight one would help my "normal" ptsd... and allow me to learn to handle my fear when flying.

I didn't used to have such fears, before accident. In fact, I have 8 hours PIC. (pilot in command) grrrrr

I've passed up many things due to my inabilities from the accident...

For some reason, I'm making this event the "do or die" issue.... when, in reality, it's just another thing I might have to pass up. Wish it wasn't time-valued, but it is. I'll talk to T tomorrow and let him think about it (unless he already has an answer for me...in session.)

There's no one to travel with right now..at least no one IRL... but there might be others in the organization. It's a long shot, as few would not be able to take the level of seminar I would..and then wouldn't be going the same week. Plus ppl from around the nation vie for a slot.

Part of the issue is, I haven't secured a motorized wheelchair yet... and planned to do that last year (but with all the hurricanes, I was too stressed to even balance my checkbook etc..) I haven't traveled WITH one before either. I have no choice now.

I'm wondering if my dog would take that opportunity to pass on...you know? While I'm away... If he lasts til then... that could be good and bad.

The seminar is in the west, and at a higher elevation than I'm used to. I can lose the possible 10 lbs "over weight" to be sure of easier time of it.. I don't feel that is a problem... but I've had more respiratory problems of late.

My MD has to sign a health form. That has been done before for a local activity... it goes into my record and the insurance company gets a copy.

There would be no one on site (at seminar) who would know how to help me... though I trust they would be understanding. They do have a place on the acceptance form about ppl with disabilities.

I'm high maintenance. There's just so much that would be stressful, different... and even good stress can crush me.

I'm trying to make this a decision maker event. Time to ask questions about whether I would ever be better in the future, or do I try this now. I know the answer to that, it's the other answer I don't want: that I can't do it now, nor in the future.

[EJ711]

Sky -

What a great honor!!! I am so tickled for you!

How about a private jet? Let's see what else we can come up with? Surely someone on this list will have even more ideas.

I'm sorry your puppy is having problems breathing tonight.

Hugs,

Jane (EJ)

[EJ711]

Sky -

I like Rap's answer -- read it after I posted mine.

Jane

[(JD)]

Asked my friend... she is unable to go with me. I even asked my sister (who doesn't live here) she won't even consider it.


I can't go.

[Rapunzel]

Can I go with you?

[(JD)]

sure... however you have to come here and get me first. I filed the invite away... (threw it on a stack of papers that are related to that organization...which is stacked on some stuff I haven't done for myself/them.... which is next to anothe stack...) and I'm not a stacking person.

oh well. I'm trying to numb out and not feel.

T reminds me (finished my sentence...) I have to learn to... accept my disability. I don't know how. It isn't like I ignore it or can ignore it. How do you "accept" it without numbing and without thinking without thinking of what you used to do, what you can't do now... there isn't anything I have found that I CAN do... really... maybe if I could I could grab onto it, but there isn't anything...

ok. got to go play some computer game or something distracting... that's how I have to deal with this when I get this way. some life, eh?