[Katrinazoe]

I don't know what's happening to me but I obsess and panic and question my own exsistence all the time. I looked into depersonalisation,o.c.d and found similarities but that doesn't make it go away. I had an abusive childhood and my partner thinks I'm suffering from p.t.s,but I left my childhood years ago....I just seem to keep feeling all the feelings I felt when I was younger but applying different reasons to them. It's almost like I convince myself I don't exist anymore or that I can't fathom out my being. please if anybody can relate to this or share their experience it would help me greatly. I get so stuck in this and then consider turning myself off.

[(JD)]

Welcome to psych central (((katrinazoe)) You've come to a good place in your life!

I'm sorry you are experiencing this suffering. There are resources and disorder tabs at the top of the page... have you looked up what you think?

It's never good to diagnose yourself...but good to wonder when things don't feel "right" imo
I'm surprised your partner has been so observant...but consider this a good thing.

Please don't turn your life off... sometimes feeling "small" reflects on a situation we are going through that we feel unable to control...

Come back and post often! Again, welcome.

[brianm101]

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It's never good to diagnose yourself...but good to wonder when things don't feel "right"

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I am sorry but I think that this a contradiction in terms. I personally think that each and every one of us are the best doctors that we could personally have. You know what is going on inside you! You know how you feel! In my experience doctors will take what you say and interperate that into what they think.(Big difference)

My mother actually wrote a book about this (she lived and died of cancer, for the last ten years of her life) and if any are interested I can send you a copy.

p.s. Good luck my friend. I wish you the best.

Feeling what you felt when you were abused is called having a flashback. As you have found out trying to give other reasons and logic to them doesn't work. The best thing that has helped me is instead of fighting against the flashback I find a quiet place where I can be alone and I listen to my relaxation music or a tape of my favorite songs. I just let the flashback play though while I listen to the music for grounding as I write or draw what I am feeling. then when I am not in the heat of the moment I continue to write and draw, use clay and playdough or shoe boxes to make that flashback this basically desensitizes me - each time that same flashback replays and I do this it gets easier and then one day I notice I have been on eggshells all day waiting for it to happen when it didn't after a while that flashback does not come back. Basically I use the idea of hey if its going to hit me it might as well hit me on my terms and I force myself to think about it, create scale models of it and so on. Then its gone.

[greenfairy]

(((((((((katrinazoe))))))))))
hope you are doing ok. i'm sorry youre feeling down and want you to know youre not alone. as its been mentioned, it sounds as if youre experiencing flashbacks. its not uncommon for someone whose been through something like you have to feel these things. dont know if you've tried therapy but it might help. here if you need to talk. be safe.

[SongBirdandDaisy]

Katrinazoe, Welcome!

It does sound like you are having flashbacks. I thought my childhood had been behind me as well, then one day, wham, it hit me. I ended up on medication and in therapy. Not a bad thing - hard to accept that I didn't have it under control, though.
Perhaps "talking" to a mental health care professional will shed the light on some of your questions. It's your choice whether you continue with therapy or just get the information you are looking for. Good luck and Welcome!

Anne All of Us

[radio_flyer]

I somehow can relate to what your saying. I can't fully explain it but I understand what your saying. The T says I have PTSD, but I no longer go to therapy. I looked into depersonalization and it also seems to fit. I think I've "shut down" and it prob isn't a good idea to do that. So if you can, try to find a good T to help you work on these things. I guess I can't say a lot because I am not good at expressing how I feel. I can say it would be a good idea to look into what is happening with you with a qualified therapist that is well trained in childhood issues. Whatever you do, don't give up.

[Katrinazoe]

Hello Brian, I would be really grateful If you could send me a copy of your Mother's book,my email address is swanshuntravens@blueyonder.co.uk if you email me I could send you my address, take care

[brianm101]

You got it Katrinazoe. I literally have boxes of them. I hope that you like it. It is called,"Gateways, from the dying to the living". In my opinion, it is a great book discussing how the people that are dying help the people that are left behind cope with it. I hope that you like it. Let me know.