Is this possible?

Is it possible? Growing up I was molested numerous times at different ages. I pushed past it, well pushed it to the back of my mind. I ignored my problems. Then I found pills, pot and alcohol. Now that I am clear of my previous addictions [still quitting alcohol, this is 12 days sober] I have my last flaw to work on. Social anxiety. I fear people, public places with crowds, strangers and most of all males. Male from 16 yrs old to 80. BUT I had gotten over my social phobia for a little while, nothing crossed my mind I just freaked out in large crowds but now I am noticing that it is just hating people. This is so hard to explain. I thought I was okay. I haven't been raped in 6 or 7 years.
But all my anxiety and fear of people and their motives is so overwhelming now.. is it possible for everything to NOW affect me? Affect me worse than it did just after it happened? 7 years later.. I think my PTSD is just hitting me.
When someone at a store or anywhere hits on me I was to scream in their face, I want to scratch my own face off. I want to cut off all my hair or do anything drastic to change my image. I am not here for your sexual pleasures. I have a college degree. I am a mother. I have a career. I am intelligent with my career and in the streets. But you only see me from the outside and where you want to touch me. Now I am sober, this is the worst any of this has ever hit me. I just keep thinking to myself... it was so long ago.. how is this possible?

(((ladyjane4rent))))

YES, this CAN happen YEARS after suffering abuse. Congratulations in the 12 days, and going to the meetings will help and there MAY even be others that have similar issues that may not discuss it in the 12 step program.

You truely need to find a good therapist that specializes in working with patients that stuggle with PTSD. And you will definitely need therapy with this and YOU MUST BE KIND TO YOURSELF. This is not your fault and you need to make sure you have a safe place ok? Please keep on your path of sobriety, alcohol only makes it worse. I hope that you are getting help and also see a psychiatrist that may be able to help you with some medication for this.

I am very sorry that you have this abuse in your past, yes it is very difficult to sort out. Do your best to find ways to self sooth. Take care of yourself with nice warm showers and get plenty of rest. This takes time to work through, but you CAN work through this. Yes it is confusing, I hear you. Make sure you DO get a good therapist. You can also come here for support.

(((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

Hm, okay then. Thank you. I will talk to my therapist about it on Monday at our appt. I took her on to help me quit drinking... I suppose her helping me face this will help me quit drinking. I am so angry and depressed right now. I am angry at those people, angry at all people who think the way those people did. I feel like I need to do something right now.. something to get away or change my train of though. I would normally go skating or exercise but I am at work and it is 25 degrees outside.

((((ladyjane4rent)))

Oh, I am glad to hear you have a therapist. I hear you about the anger, it is going to take time to work that out, I have that too and yes it does come out. It is not all people that abuse, but yes some people abuse and are very distrubed people.

You have a lot to work on, layers of feeling and parts of your past to sort through.
Keep in working on this in therapy. Did this therapist diagnose you with PTSD?
If so then she understands what that is and can help you with it. You have a lot to work through, yes it takes time, I have been working on it too, it gets better slowly, takes time and patience.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

ladyjane
yes, yes, totally normal for it to be coming out now. now that you arent self-medicating to stuff the feelings they are surfacing for you. i was abused as a child and totally stuffed it all and thought it forgotten and then when i went to school to get my degree in my forties it all came back and i thought i totally lost my mind. i ended up in the mental hospital over it. my life totally shattered. the ptsd symptoms were outrageous. like you, i was a mom, educated, im in a grocery store and im totally freaking out and i would have to leave my cart in the middle of the store and go home. there didnt seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. thanks to meds and a good t i got my life back. it just takes time. remembering you are safe now and nurturing yourself. it does get better. i promise. feel free to PM me if you want to talk.....hugs...

Congratulations on your sobrity.

It is very normal for PTSD to be delayed. I completely repressed mine until my daughter was 2 1/2. I too have been to college and thought I was going mad, couldn't be happening! I'm glad to see you already have a therapist, your probably in a place now where your mind feels safe enough to start dealing with the trauma. You have quit medicating yourself and have a family and a therapist, somewhere your mind said it safe to deal with this now. It probobally will not feel safe or very great at all but there is part of you that wants very much to deal with the past and truly get past it what ever it takes. It's not easy but hang in there. It does get better. PC is a safe place to post and get suport too. Good luck, and take care.

it's perfectly normal once you stop the pills, pot, alcohol, they sort of numb it all in a way, makes it easier to forget/ignore, for me anyways. good luck with your therapist.

Thank you everyone. Since this post it would seem my mind has hidden everything away again. It is so strange to me though.. it is very rare I let these kind of emotions and memories overcome me. But once in a while.. maybe a few times a year or a little more.. all of the sudden everything just HITS me and I can't handle it. This last time thinking about it made me so sick to my stomach I started gagging over the toilet. I don't understand my own mind, but now everything is fine. Normal. I even put therapy on hold for a few weeks since there is nothing bothering me right now, nothing to talk about. I don't know.. I just don't get it.