[niko851]

Hi all -

First, I know this is a great place to be when you need someone the most. I normally am in the anxiety and/or BP forums. HOwever, I just had some sort of 'bell' go off in my head that I might still be having PTSD issues...

I recently moved back to Indiana, due to my house being foreclosed on since I couldn't work and obviously couldn't pay the bills. My first home, back in 1999, caught fire and destroyed virtually everything. What WAS salvagable is - well was (now in Aunt's garage) in use as I wanted to keep what little I could. I had a great job, just re-did the entire place, and then my sister started the fire in the dryer. Months later, she admitted to doing it bcuz my mother wanted to collect on my life ins. SHe has a mental defect to where she is VERY easily manipulated into doing just about anything. My mother has ALWAYS been greedy, will do ANYTHING to get a dollar, and enjoys her 'downers', i.e. xanax, valium - anything to get her fix - including depleting the trust account my grandfather left me from 1994-1997. I know, lots of info about the fire incident - and ther's more....

WIth the second house, I sank about $70K in improvements from 2003-Nov 05, had BP & AG relapses, and was unable to run my company. SO I fled to my brother's house, where I am now stuck, and this is the worst situation ever. The house was officially auctioned on 22 Mar 06. Seems that I can only 'hang on' to my houses for 3 years tops; then everything goes bakc downhill...

Why I am posting in here is bcuz of the nightmares and subsequent continuous thoughts racing through my mind. Those who know about BP know that we have manic episodes and depressive episodes. Add major panic attacks into the equation, and some Agoraphobia, and you've got yourself one heck of a life!!! One that I've NEVER recoverd from to date...

I thought I handled the whole foreclosure thing well - i knew it was coming since I had the house up for sale since April 05, no buyers bcuz they over-appraised my home to obtain the loan to do the improvements. I was a victim of predatory lending- and at age 28, I thought I was smart enough. HOwever, despite being a mechanical engineer, i have no knowledge of the mortgage industry, so i obviously took the appraisal at face-value. This caused me to borrow MORE than the house was worth, which is why I couldn't sell it to just 'break even'. They valued it at $240K, found out it was only 'worth' $155K TOPS (at least a $100K difference), and the bid opened at $125. It went for $129,900..... I owed $190K...

SOme other factors - I left Indiana to go live in MI due to my grandmother's failing health in Feb 03. I took care of her 24/7, along with my partner's help and support, until 23 June 2004 when she passed away in my living room. I kept borrwoing against my company, JUST to pay for her medical (Medicare only covers so much - and NOT RX's back then!!), which ran about $2-3K month. I'd still do it all over again if I had to - especially for the one who did the most for me and showed she truly loved/cared for me. She was my rock - and my rock was pushed over the hill when she passed away... My company started failing bcuz of the economy, on top of me not being able to physically do the functions it required (it was a property maintenance company and due to a back injury, i'm in constant pain and have limited mobility). My panic attcks have been skyrocketing over the last few months to the point I won't leave this house, my borther's, bcuz I fear I won't ever get bakc in. I flip out at a store - usually abandonig the cart whenver I start hearing things 'get loud' and so forth. Driving is a chore all by itself - and due to these attacks, I've pulled off the road and/or drove bakc home, called off work, and then lose the job bcuz of attendance. I'm currently on Short-Term DB bcuz of ALL these issues... The $150/week I get is FAR from sufficient... Brother is ready to kick me out bcuz i'm not 'pulling my weight'... Actions speak louder than words - he doesn't have to say I'm unwanted when the actions are there; or lack thereof...

Between the two houses, my grandmother's passing, and what has been going on lately, I am SO SO SO ready to say "BYE BYE"... I do not intend to do anything to myself to make that happen, since I'm too chicken to do it, but if I were to get hit by a car today, tmw, or the next day, I sure hope it is a fatl one. For so long, I try my hardest to succeed, do such, but then take 1,000 steps back.

Now that I've gone into a novel, I guess I should get to the point. Each nite i have been 're-living' quite a bit of these events from my past; some even throughout the day. I woke up in a HUGE P.A. this AM as I was conviced the house was on fire, checked eveyrthing/anything, and when I found nothing, I still was unable to calm down. I took a Xanax immediately when I woke up - the nightmare was just SO real that I STILL think all this is happening. I know it isn't - but it just won't go away.. THere's alot more to these nightmares/dreams, but I'll spare ya all and I apologize.

My question is - does anyone believe that I could also be having PTSD issues? Why, after 7 years, would I still have issues with that fire? Why am I still stuck on losing my grandmother going on 2 years ago? SHouldn't I be 'over it' by now? I speculate that my PA's are always going to be there - that's been an issue most of my life bcuz of my dad's physical abuse and mother's wonderful treatments, but to still have all these unfounded fears are ridiculous... My BP disorder, recently, has 're-manifested'. I had a manic episode for almost 5 days - i felt i could do it all, couldn't concentrate on one thing, was VERY irate at all times, was screaming, etc. etc... NOTHIGN stopped it; I was finally able to find a Behavioual service center, which I went to the intake last week. What was supposed to be a half-hour thing turned into an hour and a half bcuz i wouldn't shut up.. I meet w/the therapist on Tuesday; but I informed them that this is far more than just talking it out. I went through the med cocktails over the years - and would rather be 'zombied out' than live like this constantly.

I know this got quite long and quite detailed. However, if something else is requested, you'll get it, i.e. more detail on a specific event. I just hope someone willtake the time to hear me out, give me their opinion(s) on this, and hopefully I can bring this to the table on Tuesday. I thank EVERYONE in advance, as I know we all share quite a bit of similarities, and I also want you to know you are all in my thoughts/prayers. Take care and again, thank you so much in advance.... Niko

[bipolar_bear]

Wow Niko you certainly have been going through a lot. PTSD can come from any traumatic event and you certainly have had a few. Maybe something triggered it recently and that is why you are now having the symptoms. I would talk to your t about this and hopefully they can help you. Good luck and I am so sorry for all you have gone through. Take care.

[magickal1]

Hi niko,
I noticed in your post, you talk about losing your homes, and how that seems to happen to you...now you're dealing with your brother, and his pressure on you, on top of everything else. I believe that the nightmares and PA's that you have about the housefire has something to do with what's going on with your brother. You're worried about that stability, and whether you will have somewhere to hang your hat..my theory, anyways.
I know that, for myself, when I have to deal with my family, it brings lots of nightmares around. I have them a lot anyway, but they usually get more pronounced. My T tells me it's a product of not having control of the situation. If you can, try and talk to your brother about ways that you can make things easier on the both of you.
I agree with the last post...talk to your T about how you're feeling and maybe they can come up with some additional solutions for you. ((((((NIKO))))))

[csavage]

Hi, Niko! In my own experience with PTSD, my father still suffers to this day. (He is a Vietnam Veteran who was a Wolfhound on the frontlines, killing and being killed). He goes to therapy weekly, but I question his honesty in group, and the family still has to run for the hills when his illness decides to cycle. It was my understanding about PTSD that you could learn to live with the triggers and memories by what you do day to day. Like have plans in order when you are triggered and so on. In my thoughts, I would always have PTSD but eventually it wouldn't have me, if that makes any sense. Anyway that's my opinion. You have a lot of issues in that mind of yours, I'm not sure that 7 years is enough time to deal, at least not in my experience but everyone is different. Hang in there! You are in my thoughts and prayers. If you need to talk, just PM me, this seems to be my ambition to get out of bed in the morning.

[niko851]

Hi all

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond to me and my situation... I'm relaxed for now, actually fell asleep for a while, and am handling things as best as I can...

I wanted to add something that I realized after seeing a PM... My T actually feels being on these forums, ad/or relying on them, is a NEGATIVE thing. She says this is co-dependency. Well, while it may fit the definition, I certainly do NOT see her walking in ANY of our footsteps for 10 minutes.. Only then will she realize that for some of us, maybe even most of us, is that THIS is our only 'out' to the rest of the world. Due to the attacks, AG, etc., I RARELY go anywhere - about the only time I do is to get to the Dr's or T's.. She is also hell-bent on considering me an addict, all bcuz I can't go a day w/out Xanax. Well, again, you're NOT in my shoes and that is what medication is made for. Now if I'm taking 20 a day, just to get all high or something, then I'd understand that; since that is FAR from the case, and given I can't even leave the house most of the time due to flipping out, then who are you to accuse me?

I konw this has nothing to do w/my previous post, but this actually diverted my attention for the last hour or so.. Instead of sitting here worrying, stressing, being scared, etc., I'm now concentratig at how ridiculous it is that the people that are supposed to be helping us are trying to run our lives instead of help US run our own lives... I am sure this is not the case for most T's or doctors and I want to make it clear that I'm not slamming them. I just feel that it is horrible to make someone's situation worse by telling them you're 'co-dependent' on your internet forums (so I'm not allowed to have friends to talk about my issues with?) as well as accuse you of being a drugee (I could take her several blocks South of Downtown Indy and REALLY show her drug addicts if this is the case) all over being on Xanax for over a decade.... Again, it is made for a reason and it is being used for the right reasons.... I supposed I'm also addicted to my blood pressure medicaiton, my allergy medication, and my asthma inhalers too!!!

Anyway - Thanks to all again for hearing me out... At least I'm not still all upset over the nightmares and so forth; once again, the GOOD PEOPLE HERE have been here for me and done a wonderful job by taking time to help another. Feel free to do the same w/me whenever you need it - i am here Hugs and Thanks again ~ Niko

[(JD)]

Hmmm that may be true (being on forums) for some sites, but this site is different, and is a true support site. My T supports my being here to work though social skills and issues and flares

Yes, it sounds to me like you have stress issues. That you can't seem to put some of those memories "away" leads me to that thought. That you thought of it yourself gives more credence, imo.

It's good to hear you have calmed from the first posting. I suspect that you could become hyper again over the same, though. ((((hugs))))

We can have a long discussion about some doctor's ignorance, and the difference between dependancy and addiction.

Niko, I'm glad you have PC to post at... whatever would we do with all the thoughts and words in our heads if it weren't for DocJohn! TC

[Lexicon78]

(((((niko)))))



I hope these can cheer you up a little.

[ichiro]

Hello Niko, it sounds like you are going through a number of serious problems. First off, I completely support you and understand your feelings. I have dealt with anxiety and panic for years, I just didn't realize it until a few months ago. I suffered from uncontrollable epilepsy for about 5 years. No combination of meds would help control them. The only chance we had left was a surgery to remove a portion of my brain. The surgery went well and we have been able to regain control over my epilepsy. I decided to return to college and that's when I had my first panic attack. I was sure I was going to have a seizure, fortunately I was wrong. The problem was this feeling kept coming every time I would get stressed. I went to my neurologist who said the issues were probably just some nerves about going back to college. I started to take some Xanax to relax me (unprescribed by a Dr). It did help with the anxiety, but I still had some attacks, couldn't drive or do many other things. Remember, Xanax is normally used for specific fears. It is meant to be taken just prior to an anxious event; it is not specifically meant for long term treatment of general anxiety. I finally got into a Dr who said that the Xanax is ok for a few months, but does not give long term help. He changed me to a daily dosage of Celexa which has worked miracles. I push myself to do things that made me nervous and things continue to get better. I also had feelings that my Drs and the people around me were trying to do things that would not help me. After talking to a neuro psych I realized that I was not understanding what the people helping me really meant. Your Dr is probably giving you good suggestions to get healthier, you just have to try and trust them. I know that is very difficult, but remember these people see these difficulties every day and know the best treatments. Xanax runs in and out of the system relatively quickly. This means during sleep the drug may not be working anymore. Sleep is a very common time for panic attacks because you don't have the logical control over your thoughts when you are sleeping. I was constantly waking up scared and panicky while I was on Xanax. It took about a month and a half for the Celexa to help me control these feelings while I was sleeping, but it has worked. Xanax is a quick cure for a fear caused by an obvious issue that can easily be gotten through. You are suffering from PTSD, general anxiety and other long term issues. Conditions like these are helped better by anti-depressants and other long term care meds. This is just a thought from someone who had very similar problems to yours. Celexa may not do it for you, but there are many other meds made for longer term care. They don't have the same instant strength as Xanax, but the long term affects are much better.