Mother's day

I would like to say that I had a good mother's day, but I didn't. Even though I had a talk with my daughter last week and made an attempt to explain to her what the PTSD I have is and where it all goes back to and how I have days where I relive things I never imagined one could relive the way I am and how crippling it is. I thought maybe she understood just a little. Anyone who has PTSD knows how very hard it is to explain to others, how others can even be mean about it and can invalidate it as well.

Well, just like all the other holidays lately yesterday was a long day and my daughter never even called me to wish me happy mother's day. It was a clear message that I am to continue being punished for whatever I didn't do while raising her and yes, she still is going to invalidate what I am trying to tell her. And when we did talk I DID applogize and told her how much I always loved her and truely tried. And I can honestly say, I really did go above and beyond for her.

So, I was very hurt yesterday, all it takes is a phone call. I know I didn't raise her to be mean like this.

I tried very hard to tell myself it was just a day. Ofcourse my sister once again had MY mother pretty much the entire day so I didn't get to sneak in a visit with my own mother. But I did call her and tell her how much I loved her. Then my mother asked me if I heard from my daughter and being truthful, I told her that she didn't call. My mother gasped and thought it was terrible because my mother knows how much I gave to my daughter and how very hard I did work for what I gave to her. And my mother knows I was very unselfish with my daughter. Sigh...I find it all embarassing as well as feeling there must be something I did wrong to not even get a simple CALL?

Well, I tried to watch TV, and then I tried to take a nap, I really just wanted the day to end and just be yet another day I got over. I could not fall asleep, I kept having terrible thoughts as well. So, I got up and went out for a drive. That was not such a good idea because I drove to the beach and it was crowded and I could see the moms with their children and I remembered how I took my daughter there so many times for mommy and me times. I could see the vision of myself and my little cute daughter, I was pushing her on the swings and how we had fun. I could remember all the times we walked together on the sand bars and looked for shells too.

I could not stay at the beach so I drove around some more. I tried to go to a church I often go to and sit outside and pray to a cross hanging on the side of the church. But that church was crowded, so I went to another church where there was also a cross and I sat alone in the parking lot and for a while I didn't know what to say. Finally all I pretty much said was that I was tired and lost and must be failing at something to be going through what I am going through. I basically just cried for a while and then started getting that PTSD headache where it feels like my brain is being squeezed and I was tired and drove home.

I managed to get a couple of stalls cleaned to make them ready for the coming rain, I fed and the rest of the evening I just tried to again watch some TV, sit with my husband until I could finally go to bed.

So, no, I didn't have a good mother's day to be honest. And today I still feel tired.

Open Eyes

Ohh, I'm so sorry Open Eyes.

Hugs to you ((((OE)))). You are working so very hard and doing so well.
This may be a little set back but it doesn't mean you aren't a great mother and wonderful person.

I am sorry you are hurting. My thoughts are with you and my heart goes out to you...hopefully, after your daughter has time to process everything, she will come to see all that you have done - and are doing - to heal.

Thanks for the hugs, I really had such a difficult week last week. What with the opposing attorney asking that question about my husband and I being apart and that was three years before my neighbors even moved in next door and I didn't even know them. And that time was such a difficult time for me. Then, being reminded of that again by my daughter telling me all was well until her teen years, oh her teen years were REALLY hard on me in so many ways.

That year was the beginning of it where I found out my husband had cheated on me, I had to deal with that creepy trainer and leaving him, (he was really the only one that knew my husband and I were apart for a while). And I was struggling with the endometriosis and scared to death it may have been due to some STD. And then I had to find a way to FIX THE MARRIGE? And that year my daughter and her horse won so many awards but that happiness was short lived because the beginning of the next year that horse got ill and on the way to the emergency vets the next state over a three hour drive from hell, that horse died in my daughter's arms in the trailor while I had a police escort to help me get to the hosipital. I can still remember her screaming and I had to get to the hospital. And then I had to deal with a broken hearted daughter who really loved that horse. He was another amazing horse and he would lay down in his stall and put his head in her lap and she would always sing Twinkle little star to him. She was singing to him in the trailor and his head was in her lap and he looked up at her and drew his last breath. She was so distraught and when we got to the vet hospital kept asking them to fix her horse and she would not leave him. WHAT IS A MOTHER SUPPOSED TO SAY TO THAT, AND THOUGH I WAS SO SHOCKED AND SAD AS WELL, I HAD TO BE STRONG FOR "HER". I had to find a way to hold it in and just be strong and help her.

And that year me and her trainers looked for another horse for her. She wanted it to be just like the horse she had lost. Well, that is impossible to fill that request. And all that time I was struggling with pains every month and trying to keep my marriage together and had to get ready for another loss. There was a poisenous plant I did not know about in a shipment of hay I had purchased and all my life of owning horses had never come across. Three of my animals started to get sick and I had one arab that was REAL sick and I worked with the vet and the poisen control center to help me figure out what it was. I had agricultural specialists come out to my home and look around the paddocks to see if there was anything toxic and I had my water tested too. Well, I was tending to the sick arab around the clock for 10 days until he finally got better, I thought I was going to lose him several times. I had two others that would only stand and do nothing and had high fevers. And finally I when I got them all stable my husband and daughter told me to get some rest and they would take care of the horses and ponies. They fed and the hay they fed had the plant in it and my daughters fancy show pony got sick and we ended up losing him at the same vet hospital we lost her horse at that same year. The illnesses were unrelated, the horse was not at our home but two in one year? Ever since I have taken many steps to tell other horse owners about this plant to the point where local hay farmers hate me, as it is very prominent in most of the fields in my state. It is a very hard plant to get out of their fields.

We did manage to find my daughter another horse that was the same color as the one she lost, but the new horse was more expensive and I had to find a way to come up with an extra $5,OOO. Oh that was not easy but we did it and my daughter was riding again. I had to work hard that year along with all the things that happened and I had to surpress and move on somehow.

Well then the next year my endometrosis got REAL bad and I had to have surgery and I was put on that implant of Lupron and managed to get through for a while. That is when the neighbors moved in and began with thinking they should have rights to our property and that their dogs should be able to run our property and they should also be able to shoot off fireworks and I plumited into depression from the Lupron. And when I did have the surgery I didn't come out of the anethesia well and it also took me time to overcome the effects of the anesthesia. Yes, many do not know that it takes several months for the anesthesia to actually leave the body.

So I had to find a way to get myself together, my business going, my daughter going and marriage counceling and I didn't know what to think, I just kept trying. And then a horse came in the barn that my daughter REALLY fell in love with. The horse that we had bought for her was not that great and she really didn't love it like the one she lost. And one day she came home in tears and asked me to put her to bed. I had always put her to bed when she was young and when she asked me to put her to bed in her teens I knew that meant she was struggling and needed to talk. Well, she told me about this horse she had fallen in love with, was sneaking into his stall to cuddle him and he was cyndicated, had several owners, was an investment sale horse. One of the owners saw her in with him and told her she should not fall in love with something she could never have.

I didn't know she had fallen in love with this horse and I had not seen it. So after she told me I called her trainer who told me that this horse was VERY expensive and there would be nothing she could do on his price as he was owned by several people for an investment horse. So I asked to see the horse and my daughter and I went when it was quiet and there was this horse standing on a set of cross ties and HE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL, and my daughter stood next to him looking at him and touching him like he was the most precious thing in the universe. I have to admit that I had never seem my daughter touch anything like that. And I HAD promised her when her horse died that she would love again, she didn't believe me and I told she would. But this one WAS REALLY EXPENSIVE. And then I watched her ride it, and they were great togeather.

Well I went home and told my husband and asked him how much equity we had in our home and what about refinancing? Well, my husband and I and my daughter went back to see the horse and he too could see how nice this horse was and how much of a match he was for my daughter. And so we remortgaged our home. And I had to work even harder because this horse needed a bigger stall and more training and my daughter needed more training with him as he was young too.

I worked really hard building and building my business. Somewhere along the way I injured my akelees tendon and it finally got so bad that I had to have surgery. And I was also struggling with menopause because the Lupron threw me into early menopaus.

By the time I went to an othopedic surgeon my tendon was so painful I was needing crutches to walk and he could not believe I was in so much pain. He sceduled a surgery and after the surgery he told me he could not believe how much scar tissue I had and no wonder I was in SO MUCH PAIN. Ugh, why no one believes me?

Then ten days later I fell very ill and thought I was battling a bad stomach type flue, I was battling a ruptured appendix that was leaking into my body cavity and poisening me. It got so bad that I could not even move and was so weak and burning up. So my husband called an ambulance and the next thing I knew I was going into emergency surgery. They opened me up from just below my breasts all the way down and I spent hours in surgery while they had to irrigate my body cavity out to remove all the toxins. Hmmm two surgeries, and WOW was is so much work to find my way back and even ONCE AGAIN WORK REAL HARD TO KEEP MY DAUGHTER GOING ON HER HORSE.

When my daughter says "mom, you were so unpredictable and up and down and I was lonely and didn't know what to do" I look back on how MUCH I HAD TO TRY TO JUST KEEP GOING. I know I worked SO hard to keep her going IT WAS SO HARD.

Losing so much, from my neighbor's negligence. IT WAS JUST TOO MUCH. And I am still fighting this DAM LAWSUIT and I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WANT ANYMORE.
I DON'T WANT TO LOVE HORSES ANYMORE, "IT HURTS TOO MUCH". But I am trying and I HAVE THIS DAM DISORDER THAT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS.

I sat in the church parking lot pretty much speachless as I mentioned. My daughter doesn't want to even call me and wish me happy mother's day?

Where DID I GO WRONG?

Open Eyes

((Open Eyes))

You have sacrificed a lot, OE. You put others first before yourself.

You put your husband first, you put your daughter first (I know that is a parent's job to some extent) AND you had to be there as Mom and Dad for a bit, too. Also it sounds like you are/were breadwinner.

And you've had serious health issues.

And you've had TREMENDOUS loss with your beloved horses / ponies.

And to top it all off, you have to be reminded of all this pain on a constant basis with the legal stuff.

My dear ((((OE)))), you need peace. You need someone to take care of you. You need a break from the pain. It's just been one thing after another. Of course you are exhausted and miserable.

It's time to get off the rollercoaster and to give yourself a break. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle with yourself. You've done nothing wrong BUT put everyone else's needs ahead of your own.

(And that's OK, it's who we are by nature), but I think you forgot to replenish yourself along the way.

Some day you are going to look back on all of this and shake your head and exclaim, "Oh my gosh. I was sooo strong. I cannot believe I made it through ALL of THAT."

Thanks for the hugs, I honestly really needed to get this off my chest. Last week really had so much that really triggered me. And though I really tried to somehow not let it get me down, well, it did.

Seriously, I really spent a lot to keep my daughter happy. I have not had a vacation really since my honeymoon will be 32 years ago come June. Everything I made went mostly into my daughter and to fix up our farm. I could have had quite a show place with all the money I spent on her. I did all the work on my home by myself. My home has long needed new siding as it is those cedar shingles that are falling off and black. I got up on a ladder 4 times and took an electric sander and sanded most of the house and took shingles left over from jobs my husband did elsewhere (he is a builder) and I replaced a lot of shingles. I don't know any woman that would do that.
I have a colonial that was built in the 60s with a yellow and green bathroom and I worked around those out dated colors by stenciling etc to make them look nice. But really the tile needs to be replaced and I really need the bathroom on the first floor gutted as the shower in it rotted away years ago.

Believe me, I went without so my daughter could ride and show. I went without a lot now that I think about it. I just don't know how she could not see it. I think she thought I was way stronger than I was. See, I did try to be a rock, someone had to do it, keep it together.

I wish I could put pictures here to show you everything. You would love the horse my daughter had, he is so incredibly beautiful and such a nice loving animal.

I can't help it if I am angry, I think that we can only store just so much anger before we finally just burst. And I have to be honest, I am very angry that even though I did try VERY hard and many times climbed out of the ashes like a phoenix, I never expected that instead of doing that, that I would be battling this dam disorder that no one gets. I find it triggery that even when I was dieing no one got that either, I am wondering what it takes before people around me realize that I REALLY AM STRUGGLING WITH SOMETHING "REAL" THAT i CAN HELP AND AM DOING MY BEST TO FIND A WAY TO RECOVER FROM.

What I have talked about here is only part of my struggles, I have been trying very hard as long as I can remember. I never expected my brain to have held on to so much like this.

I do tell everyone to be kind to themselves. I have risen up from many bad things in my life, so I know it can be done. This has proven to be one of the hardest things I have dealt with though. It just brings everything together to relive in a very different challenging way. Truth be told I was always somewhat afraid, but just kept trying anyway.

Open Eyes