Isolating

The problem with PTSD it that yes things are magnified, emotions are magnified. People who don't have PTSD can see something and find ways to "do the grapes" which means, choose to ignore. And they CAN CHOOSE TO IGNORE EMOTIONALLY AS WELL. But for someone who struggles with PTSD, the things they begin to recognize, the wrongs or manipulations of others, are all felt emotionally and it can be so painful that there is a strong desire to "FIND WAYS TO ISOLATE".

When I look back on my own life, as a person who is struggling with PTSD now, I don't just have memories of troubling events, I HAVE DEEP TROUBLING EMOTIONS THERE AS WELL. And when I look back, I can see THAT I NEVER KNEW HOW TO RESOLVE THESE EMOTIONS. What I DID DO, was "SURPRESS THE EMOTIONS".
The betrayl that is felt in a person struggling with PTSD, is that it was THOUGHT THAT WE SURVIVED AND THRIVED AND MANAGED THE EMOTIONS. So when these crippling symptoms of PTSD COME FORWARD, we are very CONFUSED and UPSET and EVEN ANGRY as well AS LONELY TOO. And there is a tremendous sense of failure in there too. There is so much VULNERABLITY there because we actually do NOT KNOW how to REACT to DIFFERENT CHALLENGING SITUATIONS.

I am willing to bet that MOST if NOT ALL people who struggle with PTSD are VERY MISUNDERSTOOD. If I look at my own life, especially my childhood, I did NOT have the right kind of ATMOSPHERE where I could truely establish NORMAL SAFE EMOTIONS in a REATION TO MY ATMOSPHERE that ENTAILED OTHER HUMAN BEINGS. And YES, that was truely NOT MY FAULT. I can see that NOW, however that has NOT really CHANGED how I STUGGLE STILL with OTHERS and react to them emotionally.

When other people disrespect and invalidate my feelings and do not repect my boundaries, I struggle emotionally because, growing up I was a victim of abuse both physically and pshchologically. What happened to me instilled within me that happiness to me was going to be denied. For me, the only way I could find safety was by abiding by those around me in THEIR HAPPINESS OR CONTROL. I was the youngest child, AND I HAD NO POWER or even the knowledge in how to change that.

Now, herein lies the problem. When we are raised or living with people who behave this way towards us, WE BEGIN TO BE COMFORTABLE WITH IT. We think that we ADAPTED but what we really did WAS ACCEPT IT. And we even learn to behave in certain ways in order to COMPLY with these KIND OF PEOPLE.

If we finally decide to TAKE CHARGE OR PUT OUR FOOT DOWN, we begin to struggle because often what we do unknowingly is SURROUND OURSELVES WITH THIS TYPE OF PERSON BECAUSE IT IS WHAT WE KNOW, WHAT WE ADAPTED TO. And the problem with putting our foot down is that WE END UP GETTING REJECTED BY THESE PEOPLE AS THEY WERE ALWAYS THE KIND OF PEOPLE WHO NEEDED CONTROL OR ELSE THEY REJECTED.

What happens is that we end up being INVALIDATED OVER AND OVER, even when we choose to put our foot down to stop being the VICTIM, we struggle to break free and it is very upsetting. Often we do not have the skills to address these people effectively either. It becomes very emotionally upsetting and confusing for us as well. And we can even get angry about it. But it is really NOT our fault.

The other thing that happens is that because we are the way we are, complying in nature, we actually DRAW THESE CONTROLING PEOPLE TO US. If we DO form protection methods to self protect, we tend to send a message that WE ARE UNAPPROACHABLE TO EVERYONE. So often we are very MISUNDERSTOOD. Therefore we become emotionally confused and feel very alone and wonder WHY this is the case.

Learning the middle ground is very difficult. People with PTSD WANT TO DO THIS. But because of their past conditioning there is a very strong VIGILANCE set in place that we don't truely see or actually know how to control or adjust. The reality is that WE DO NOT WANT TO BE A VICTIM ANYMORE from ANYONE so we tend to ISOLATE in many ways.

The constant advice for repair is to remove ourselves from THE TOXIC PEOPLE WHO ALWAYS ABUSE US EMOTIONALLY. And when we do that we always wonder about how we could have managed these people BETTER.
That was something we never seemed to master and because of that, WE FEEL A LOSS. And we do know there WAS a time where we knew our place with these people and could be a part of their enviornment called FAMILY.
There was even a safety in that because WE GREW TO KNOW OUR PART.
It is hard to know THAT PART WE PLAYED WAS DAMAGING TO US AND TAUGHT US SELF DENIAL.

Healing from PTSD is HARD WORK. It is not just about the KNOWING of the rights or wrongs and actually learning to see THE OTHER PEOPLE WHO ARE ABUSIVE AND UNHEALTHY. We have to learn how to overcome the emotional reactions we unknowingly formed WHEN WE ARE AROUND PEOPLE WHO ARE LIKE OR REMIND US OF THESE TOXIC PEOPLE THAT taught us SELF DENIAL.

The work is all about learning how to truely allow ourselves to FEEL WE ARE ACTUALLY ENTITLED TO BE HAPPY. This is very hard when for often many years we were imprinted with thinking that we were not really entitled to do this or be this ourselves.

This is our main goal in healing from PTSD, and as anyone knows, it is not easy.

Open Eyes

(((Rose))))

As I have come to know you thus far, I THINK YOU ARE A REALLY NICE PERSON.

I can think about the "shoe" story where you were complimented on your bargain shoes and embarassed because "they were not designer" which is what many people around you in your environment use as symbols of their personal success.

These are often the same kind of people that remind you of your mother and HER values. However, not everyone is like that, not everyone bases their real self worth on something they wear or own that presents THEIR IMAGE OF SUCCESS. Where you would heal is not being embaressed and then being embarassed that you were embarassed. THAT IS THE MIDDLE ROAD OF PTSD. Where you want to be is to actually be able to turn and say, YEAH, CAN YOU BELIVE IT, THESE ARE ACTUALLY NOT DESIGNER BUT THEY ARE JUST AS NICE, HA, HA, HA. That is actually showing that other woman THAT YOU DON'T ACTUALLY CARE and OPENS A DOOR and AN INVITATION TO HER SAYING THAT YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH YOURSELF NO MATTER WHAT.

Your father taught you this too as he often LAUGHS when getting caught like this. But you have to REALLY BE ABLE TO LAUGH WITHOUT SHAME. This is what often draws the RIGHT kind of people to you, people that give you real permission to BE HAPPY NO MATTER WHAT.

When you react in shame or by being uncomfortable, you expose your real weakness which will give power to others OVER YOU. This is what your mother did to you that you HAVE TO LEARN TO OVERCOME. If you really allow yourself to do this, many of the PTSD symptoms will disapate. Your shoes should be all about whatever it is YOU LIKE and WANT and the PRICE OF THEM or DESIGNER TAG is not at all important. You should never have to look or desgin yourself FOR OTHERS, YOU HAVE TO TRUELY BE JUST YOU FOR YOU.
And that is truely what will draw better people to you.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

You got me thinking Rose, uh oh, I write a lot when that happens because I am struggling myself too.

I just try to also keep in mind when I think of myself and you and others. I suffered a lot of loss. And I know you did too Rose. When that happens and we end up struggling with PTSD, one the big symptoms is APATHY. We are afraid to love or get attached again because when we did we got very hurt. I know that is what happened to me and from listening to you, I know that happened to you as well.

Along with everything else that I discussed above, as I face those issues as well, I can say that I tend to hold back on getting attached because I was hurt. I think that to repair this we have to take baby steps by giving ourselves permission to reward ourselves in small ways. Allow ourselves to enjoy some small things and build up our sense of slowly being able to reach out even more.

The fact that you are thinking about maybe meeting a nice guy or thinking about making some friends, that is a good sign that you are becoming more open. I know that the PTSD still inhibits that because we still have to figure out how to rebuild or maybe even build for the first time, a new way of controling the emotions that can arise from this fear of being hurt. And Yes, it can be a lot of work. But you have to keep striving for that to eventually come or build in you again.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes