[FloatLikeAButterfly]

Not this past January but the January before that is when i had a traumatic event occur.
My mother has been ill since i was born, that December her lifelong struggle of Depression worsened and she admitted herself to the psych ward of the local hospital for suicidal thoughts and idealizing.
Then a few weeks later (she was let out after a week) as i was getting ready for school i hear my dad screaming, and i walk in and see her lifeless body on her bed. My dad smacked her, to try and wake her, and ran to the phone. I stood there in the doorway.....I was so confused and felt blank.
Then the panic attack kicked in so i ran to our back door. I thought she was dead. The one night i didnt kiss her and say goodnight. Then i saw the ambulance coming, the men rushed to get her on the stretcher and take her away. I just stood there, i couldnt do anything, i couldnt say anything.
I shook for an hour.
I went to the hospital and saw her hooked up to all these machines- everyone hopeless- but she was still alive. She overdosed on her mental medications....she tried to kill herself.
She is still ill to this day, but shes here.
I dont know if that is traumatic or not.....so i dont know if its possible i have it.
But I have noticed that it has affected me. Everytime she is sleeping, i check to see if her belly is moving up and down, sometimes if im standing at the doorway and the slightest memory arises i get a panic attack, I cant stand it when people talk and joke about suicide, i cant sleep or concentrate, im always jumpy, and i have a hard time getting close to people because im afraid they will leave me.
I was 14, but anyways im not sure if this is PTSD or if its just my panic disorder/anxiety disorder/depression.
Please and thanks for just reading, even more for any thoughts (:

[Open Eyes]

(((FoatLikeAButterfly))),

Oh sweetheart, that is such a scarey experience for you to go through, I can't blame you for feeling the way you do. And YES, PTSD can occur after a tramatic event like that. And you are at an age where you really do not have the coping skills for something like that either.

I think you should find a therapist that you can work on this with and make sure that, if you do have PTSD, you are getting the right therapy.

(((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[FloatLikeAButterfly]

Open Eyes, thank you so much for your response!
I have asked my parents if i could talk to someone, especially with all of my other issues, and they always say no, or dont take me seriously, or tell me their show is on.
I feel like they think my problems dont matter, and the only one allowed to have issues is my mom.
But I'll ask again
Thanks again
(:
FloatLikeAButterfly

[Open Eyes]

(((FloatLikeAButterfly))),

I do not know how old you are and if you are in school. But if you are in school you should visit with your guidance councelor and explain what you have shared here. Your parents are in denial, they are self absorbed and are not seeing "your issues that need attention". So you have to learn to take it upon yourself to take the steps you need to get help and guidance, which you DO deserve on your own.

At this point, you do not have the ability to deal with this on your own, and you know that, so you have to find the right therapist that can help you learn to deal with YOUR feelings about YOUR PARENT'S DISFUNCTION that is revolving around your mother's mental illness.

It is not unusual for this kind of situation you are dealing with to occur where the parents do not see how the child is effected by what is going on. They often feel that children deal better than they actually can deal. And that brings on even more emotional stress. So you are right, you have the right to seek help. And it is good that you are reaching out, that is good self care. You have to keep pushing until you get YOUR needs met inspite of their poor responses.

Let us know how you make out. And ofcourse we are here to listen and help keep you motivated to take care of your mental health and well being.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[FloatLikeAButterfly]

I am 15 now, and school is out for the summer- but next school year i will definately do that!
Thank you so much for recognizing that, and realizing that- they just dont understand what i am going through. Everything you said makes so much sense, and at least i know im not being selfish or a brat.
Everything does revolve around her, i hate to say it, but its true.
Thank you, i am so inspired!
And thanks for listening open eyes, it means alot
(:
Floatlab

[Open Eyes]

Oh, well, 15 is too young to understand the environment you are discribing. And it is not easy to just call a friend and be able to have them relate either, so yes, I am sure you feel alone, scared and confused as to what to think or how to behave in that kind of fragile atmosphere.

I don't think that it is so much that the only one allowed to have issues is your mom, I just think that your father and if you have other family members are just as confused and concerned as you are.

Tell me, is your mother seeing a therapist? Because if she is, maybe you could see if you can sneak around and get his name and when you get a chance call him and ask him if you can talk to him.

If you can talk to him, maybe he can explain to you how to help and support your mother and though he himself cannot help you, (I learned from my therapist that therapists can not take on more than one family member for therapy, at least not where I am) he may be able to talk to your father and suggest that you see a therapist too. It always helps to find an adult with an authority on mental health to be your advocate in helping you get your parents to recognize that you need guidance too.

I have to be honest, I have been struggling with PTSD myself and I really wish that therapists would make it a point to see that ALL family members be educated on how to understand and support the family member who is struggling with mental illness.

It is a known fact that when a family member, especially a parent struggles with mental illness it directly effects the other family members, especially the children. It is just not fair that a therapist, if your mother has one, should overlook this important factor in your mother's environment. And that is what happened to me, and it would have made it easier for me if my family understood what I was struggling with and could be supportive and I would not have had to feel so guilty that I was unable to just be my normal self.

It is so important to have COMMUNICATION in families, it makes such a big difference. Your needs are genuine and you deserve to learn about your mother's struggle and also how YOU can manage your own feelings about it. Lets face it, you already know it frightens you. So that can be relieved by you being informed and also have someone available to you that you can talk to that can understand your concerns and struggles.

So keep on pushing for that. Do not accept any "this is not about you sentiments" because that is WRONG.
You are definitely right about your needs and should pursue them. You are going to learn right now how to be assertive and get your needs met which will also help your mother as you will not be afraid to approach her, you can learn how to actually support and help her, and that will make you feel more empowered yourself.

((((Hugs))))
And you can come and talk anytime you need here.

Open Eyes

[FloatLikeAButterfly]

I have been saying for a longgggg time that our whole family could benefit from counseling. My dad has so much on him, and i know he is depressed. My whole family, if i were to go into detail is dysfunctional. But i recognize people have it worse, alot worse than me, so its tough to really explain my problems without feeling guilty.
Anyways, yes, my mom has seen so many over the years! But now she is only going because she HAS to after her incident, once a month or every couple months. Her psychiatrist (sorry, i dont know how to spell) isnt the best, hes only there to get her her mental meds.
I am very close with my art teacher, i vent to her alottttt. But a few weeks before school let out i confided in her that i was suicidal, and have been for a long time. Of course, by law she has to report it, so the three of us- her, me, and the school guidance councelor, met twice, only twice.......it really just made things worse.
Except, that showed that she was always going to listen and be there, and i can really tell her anything.
I used to be sooooo close to my mom, but we have drifted. Its hard when everyone in the family is suffering their own mental and psychological issues.......and im pretty sure they are sick of hearing me, apparently im too clingy and talk too much. They push me away often, but when i do get that 2 minutes of attention its amazing.....but they are sick of hearing me want to talk to someone, and they get upset when i talk about my problems (my mom moreso than my dad)
I just dont know how to go about anything anymore, its all gotten so out of control, and hard to handle.....
I love PC! Everyone is so sweet and caring, im not used to that other than my teacher, its seriously brings tears to my eyes.
Thank you for listening!!!!

[Miss Jade]

That is definitely traumatic, and could cause PTSD. Nobody here can diagnose you, but what you listed can be symptoms. i/m very sorry for what you've been through. I hope you get the help that you need.

[Open Eyes]

Oh, I am so sorry that your family is not seeing the benefit that family counceling would do. I am sorry that you and your mother drifted apart. Please don't take that as that she doesn't love you, she just probably feels that because she struggles, she doesn't have the quality of mind to reach out to you.

Do you mind if I ask what your mother is diagnosed with?

I am glad you found PC, at least you can find people to talk to that understand mental illness and offer you some support. We are not therapists here, but there are many that understand mental illness, are in therapy and are actively working through their issues.

I hope that you find something to do outside the home, like extra art classes or something that can keep you busy during the summer. You need to be around people who are engaging life and away from the struggle of what is going on in your family.
You have to make the efforts to take care of YOUR mental health and not feel guilty about it.

You are not alone in feeling lost due to the mental illness of a parent. And it is hard for the teens your age because you have to get permission from parents to get help.
I think that there needs to be a better way that teens can get counceling and have it be "their" choice and be private.

Keep being strong for yourself, keep getting involved with people who are doing things and are active, you can't change your mother or her problems. You have to takes steps to keep helping yourself.

(((hugs)))
Open Eyes

[FloatLikeAButterfly]

Openeyes,
My mother was sexually abused as a child, but when i was born she was diagnosed with fibromialgia, and now has degenerative disks, artheritis, morbid obesity, high blood pressure/cholesterol, diabetes, asthma, major depression disorder or clinical depression, panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and has had a nervous breakdown.
Yes, i agree about ways for teens to get counceling, because everytime i ask they get upset or very defensive, so it would be great to be able to do it privately.
And, i love it when i get out and swim at my uncles pool! Other than that we are almost always stuck at home, but my teacher said i can come in and work on art somedays so thats exciting!.
But anyways, PC has proven to be sooo good for me.

[Puffyprue]

i just recently read this theory
Distressing events or experiences, whether subtle (e.g., a child's interpretation of a parent's facial expression) or blatant (e.g., terrorism that kills thousands), can have traumatic effects when they threaten basic needs to be safe, to trust, to feel some control over one's life, to be valued, and to feel close to others (Saakvitne & Pearlman, 1996).

[Open Eyes]

Wow, your mother has a lot of challenges, and she probably has PTSD as a result of that childhood trama. It sounds like she has never found a way to heal from that, and it is not easy and what you discribe as her many ailments are most likely from the YEARS of never getting the REAL help she needed to deal with her past. If you dont have the right kind of therapist, all the therapy in to world will not truely help and only be a bandaid.

Now, it is a fact that people who are around this kind of person can present with secondary PTSD. And most likely your father has this and you can have some of this yourself. And you are right, it IS important that you get the therapy YOU need to sort this out in YOUR mind.

If you ARE going to be around this art teacher, you should continue to share and see if she can help you to finding your way to a therapist that YOU can have to help you with what you are experiencing in your family environment that is disturbing YOU.

You are absolutely right, your family should have been having counceling to help each of you deal with this situation. So all of what you are feeling is on target with your needs. And YOU are the only one that is seeing this in this disfunctional atmosphere, this is not unusual. But I am here to say, yes you are very right about seeing that real need that your family is just not seeing.

As far as your mother is concerned, she truely cannot fulfill your needs, she can bearly care for her own needs. This is not about your worthiness nor is it your responsibility to "fix" her. And because your mother never had the right counceling along with the whole family to create an atmosphere where she COULD FEEL SAFE AND SUPPORTED, you are looking at the end result.

I know this because I lived it myself and the only reason I am gaining and doing better is because I FINALLY GOT THE HELP I NEEDED. And I was really in such a bad state of mind myself because I truely felt I was a burden on my family and that there would never be a way I could convey how much I was struggling. This is very common with people who suffer from PTSD and how they are misunderstood, misdiagnosed and their family treats them in all the wrong ways out of IGNORANCE.

The only way your mother will even hope to heal is if the family around her makes her feel "safe" and loved and are happy with ANY small progress she makes. There should be NO expectations put on her to do ANYTHING other than focus on HER NEEDS AND FOR HER TO GET THE RIGHT THERAPY. Your mother is a VERY lost person who has a huge hole in her that has caused her to be over weight, and very ill. This is not her fault, she has a real condition that she cannot work through or recover from without the right kind of therapy and supportive atmosphere.

The best thing you can do for her is to keep telling her you love her and show her that you are happy for any small effort that she does manage to make. AND that it is ok for her to take her time and no pressure from you.

As far as your father is concerned, he is totally at a loss in how to function around your mother. And most men want to "fix" and they feel like total failures and get very depressed when they cannot just "fix" whatever is wrong. Basically what is happening here is that all of you have stopped living because of the disfunction and confusion and lack of knowing what to do or how to do. And the fact that no one can see YOUR NEEDS is proof that what is taking place is all the focus is now being put on YOUR MOTHER'S NEEDS. There is way too much negetive going on around your mother, and what will help her is her seeing that you are all doing things for yourselves and she is not in the way of that. However at the same time she also has to know that you all love her and support her and are not looking critically at her or judging her and she is NOT a big problem to her family. That is what is driving her into depression and wanting to give up feeling that SHE IS JUST A BURDEN and that all would be better if SHE WAS NOT THE FAILING BURDEN in everyone's way.

This takes time to learn in family therapy, and understanding the person who is suffering and learning HOW to treat them as well as care for and manage your own needs.

So YES what you are seeing a need for, IS DEFINITELY CORRECT. It was only after my husband spent time with my therapist that he finally got a real picture of what I am struggling with and that HE CANNOT FIX ME, ALL HE CAN DO IS GIVE ME SPACE AND TIME SO I CAN HEAL MYSELF with the help of my therapist.

What you are discribing here is a definite LACK in the way we deal with mental illness and the family needs in our society as a whole. And there should be a way for teens like you to get the help they need and not have to feel lost like you are now. That in my opinion is neglect.

Now, I do not know if there is a system set up to actually help teens/children in your situation. But you can talk to your teacher about it and see if together you and her can find some real help for you.

So please be patient with this and keep reaching out for help. You do deserve it, and your whole family does as well.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[FloatLikeAButterfly]

I cannot express my appreciation for all of your advice, replies, and understanding.
This is truley helping me, and its like you know my family without even knowing us!
Its tought to balance doing things for ourselves to prove to her shes not a burden, as well as making SURE she feels the love and support she deserves.
We've all been trying, but it is tough without the right guidance.
And the reason no one listens to me is because i am the youngest.
But anyways i will continue talking to my art teacher, and i think i might show my mom your post if that is okay? I want her to understand we all love her, and are trying to find ways to get out family going again.
Thanks so much, so much!! For everything Open Eyes, you did open my eyes, haha (:
<3

[Open Eyes]

Oh you are welcome. I think your mother needs to know that she is truely not alone in her struggle. Everything she is feeling, even the family atmosphere she struggles with, is something I have dealt with myself.

And she can come here herself and talk as well, and get support. I personally feel that she needs to find a therapist that specializes in PTSD and Trama therapy so she can get the help she needs as well as she needs help with getting her family in a better place as well. It would bring her so much relief.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

((((Float)))) hugs to you. I am so glad you are here and posting. Open Eyes has given me great advice, input and guidance and has really continued to lend a helping hand in my own journey with PTSD. It's not easy, sweetie, but there is hope for peace, and you are doing all the right things!

You are so brave for reaching out. And incredibly bright with your insights and perseverance. Keep up the good work.

Thank you for sharing, by the way. There are many people here that can relate to what you are going through. You are NOT alone.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Rose

[FloatLikeAButterfly]

I talked to my mother tonight, and told her that we all are here for her to support and love her, and that we will praise her triumphs, and comfort her defeats.
It was a nice heart to heart- they dont happen often (:
Thank you all, for making me feel sane and special.
You are all angels, truley
<3

[Open Eyes]

(((FloatLikeAButterfly))),

Oh I am so glad we could help you sweetheart. It IS so important that when a family member is struggling like your mother that all the family members get to share "their" feelings as well.

I am glad you had a nice talk with your mother. It is important for her to know that she is loved and not some huge burden for her family. She has a lot of issues, yes, but she can still be a mother. Whenever you can tell her you love her and have little chats with her about your day or whatever, that is including her in your life, yet not demanding of her, that will help her feel like "part" of a family verses, a burden.

And she is always welcome to come and visit us here at PC is she wants to.

We are here to listen when you need it.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes