***warning, may be triggering. please read with caution***

I realized this morning WHY exactly I finally lost it at work the other day. It's not pretty, but that's why I am here. And in T. And have a Pdoc. And working so hard.

Since I found out we were merging/have merged, things have been building up inside for me. My sense of security / safety was being tested / and each test related literally to almost every single situation from my past that caused me enormous pain or trauma.

****

For example,

I went into the idea of the two offices merging nervously (the two different offices cannot be MORE different in terms of office locations, personalities, and cultural differences). The people that we were merging with reprented the same types of people that have devasted me in some form or another in my life. (I've been working through that in T).

Before we merged, a struggling coworker completely lost it at work and threatened someone else. Literally. I was afraid not only for my own safety and well-being but for those around me. Including my coworker (I worked through that in T).

Then, HR called me and informed me that they had been calculating my salary wrong since my first day and that it was their mistake, but I had no choice but to pay them back. (I sort of worked through that in T. I am still upset by it and actually resentful and every 2 weeks I am reminded - and triggered).

Then we merged. And the new people I worked with represented / reminded me of more pain. They were so cavalier and open about discussing their private horrors of abuse. I just couldn't help but cry when I heard their stories. (my T was not available).

One of the new coworkers had a swollen eye which I didn't even notice, but she was self-conscious about it and blurted out of the blue said had a mosquito bite (??!) Great. (my T was not available).

The idiot co-worker (negligent, irresponsible, ditzy one) was served at the office. Not once but twice, both times by men that ignored what I had to say and ran me over with what they wanted to do. (my T was not available).

So my inner-strength has been constantly tested for at least six months now just being IN the office. I realize for many people, these incidents wouldn't cause a blink of an eye, but for me they are huge because they take me right back to a place where I felt terrified, or afraid for my life, or fearful and hopeless...)

Meh. It's going to take time. Right?

I hope I can work all this stuff out and get on the other side with my job still in tact, because there are a pile of more things just waiting for me (that having nothing to do with these triggering incidents at the office), that I have to get through.

Sigh.

[Open Eyes]

(((Rose))),

I know it is very hard working through PTSD AND working at the same time. It is like working "two" jobs at once, one is all about our inner struggle that can break us apart at any time, and the other is maintaining composure around others in a work place environment that "can" be challenging. And any sympathy at all is not really available, except when we can sit with our T, or come to PC.

The important thing to notice is that at least you are at a point where you can identify the triggers to their origin. That is progress verses just falling a part for what seems to be no reason and thinking you are just plain nuts or something.

Then you have to work on developing ways to "not allow" the emotions to overcome you. And that can be a challenge and that black board exercise helps a lot with that.
But it really takes time to get yourself to the point where you can be much stronger in your ability to determine that what you are experiencing is not an immediate "threat" to you, "if" you work on "not letting it rule your emotions".

I think that it is great that you are putting this into words Rose and able to talk about it.

I know this is a challenge, I hear you. Keep trying to be patient with yourself and constantly allowing yourself to progress as best as you can.

(((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

(((Rose))),

I was out doing errands and thinking about this thread. And how hard you are tying, and me too, to learn how to control the responses to triggers and also tracing them back to why they are there to begin with.

I thought about how I used to be able to control how I reacted to things so much better. And then since I had so much loss, things changed and I started presenting this PTSD.

We grow up around people where we just think we have to work around them, even obey them. And it really never occurs to us how they might be "disfunctional" people.
And sometimes with the people we grow up around, no matter what, there is just no pleasing them, unless ofcourse for some reason we allow them to have all the control and feel they are the best and most important and deserving. And for everything I wanted to try there was always all the negetives of how it might not work or could be dangerous.

The bottom line is that when we struggle with PTSD the focus has to be on establishing our own sense of who we are and our "right" to the pursuite of happiness. We have to find our way to realize that as long as we interact with other people we will face others who will continue to send us messages of doubt and disrespect. But it doesn't mean we have to "own" those messages emotionally.

I have come to the conclusion that there are a lot of disturbed people out there in life. I have heard so many people talk about their disfuncitonal families now that I am realizing that the chance of me interacting with someone that comes from some kind of disfuction where they too have issues, well, I might as well learn to find ways to keep disabling my own emotional responses because someone else may remind me of some disfunctional person from my past.

Right now Rose, both you and I are in a place where we are tracing the triggers and learning to understand what they mean. And as we are triggered, yes, it can suddenly rattle us where we feel threatened in some way. And because we have PTSD, our reaction is going to be more than just a person who can get triggered and yet have much less reaction and just go along in their mind "with a bunch of grapes".
The grapes signifying, they don't give a dam.

Well, we do give a dam when something is not right. But we have to work harder right now at slowly learning to put more strength in our self worth and be able to get to a point that when we get triggered, we can make a choice to not accept the emotions that tell us we are in some kind of danger.

Yes, it is work and it will take time to accomplish this skill to a point where we can not feel so much like we are constantly working hard on this PTSD and any thing we add to that is a lot of work and at the end of the day, we are often very tired, more so than others can imagine or respect, unless they too have PTSD.

Open Eyes

[AngelWolf3]

I don't have anything to add,, but I wanted to let you know I read your thread and was thinking of you today.
I hope it gets better for you...getting triggered at work STINKS. (understatement, but being polite for pc...teehee)

[beauflow]

(((RosePanachee)))
You will make it through this! I read your things and read a strong person that is trying.

Sending good thoughts and many hugs your way!

I am glad you have some terms that you have came to grip with- Realization can be a powerful tool.

((((All)))) thank you for your continued support and kind supportive words. I honestly feel embarrassed and a little ashamed for what I wrote here.

The past years of my life have been simply a huge struggle to survive. At one point I was barely alive The past few weeks without a T i have been coming here, reaching out, sharing and getting a lot of support...but today I feel that my post was supremely annoying!

I feel as if I am just hanging on...and my post came off more like whining and blaming others rather than taking responsibility by sharing some grand epiphany

I am sorry. Truly.

I will strive to write in a more hopeful, positive manner from hereonin and take responsibility for my actions and not put the ownness on others (in this instance, work matters). I will do better.

Thanks again for your care and supportive, kind, positive words. Even when I am a pain! You are the best!
Luv
R

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

((((All)))) thank you for your continued support and kind supportive words. I honestly feel embarrassed and a little ashamed for what I wrote here.

The past years of my life have been simply a huge struggle. The past few weeks without a T i have been coming here, reaching out, sharing and getting a lot of support.

I feel as if I am just hanging on...I feel my post came off more like whining and blaming others rather than sharing some grand epiphany I am sorry. Truly.

I hope to write in a more hopeful, positive manner from hereonin and take responsibility for my actions and not put the ownness on others (in this instance work matters). I will do better.

Luv
R

I don't think you need to be sorry---

I know I feel that way of what you mention of whinning and blaming others at times, but sometimes it is not that

I hope you write more positive things as well (i would take that as an indicator of doing better) but it is ok to write negative things that are struggles as well--- struggles are struggles, and it is good to get them out

((((Beau)))) xx

[Open Eyes]

(((Rose))),

You had a genuine down moment and you were frustrated. It is ok to come and vent things out. I thought about how you were feeling and I could so identify. And as I said, I drove around doing errands and thinking.

I find that with PTSD these moments come where it just feels like other people around are enemies somehow. And I can relate to spinning in thought back to many times when invalidations took place and there was a genuine concern.

I don't really understand "why" that shift happens. I too also get to a point where I seem to say the same thing you are saying here and I feel guilty for how much I had reacted. And that is the work too that I am talking about. The work of "reacting" and then afterwards having to wonder why "all the defensive reacting".

Please don't feel bad about expressing your sense of frustration and when you do react. I think it important to just write it out to be honest. And then you have a living journal that you can revisit and rethink things over.

I noticed this about PTSD and it is important to "see it" so you can consciously be more aware of it and consciously work on it.

I think that the healing is also in being able to voice these "struggles" because often what I have noticed is that it goes back to being invalidated somehow as I mentioned. And if we can be with others that can "validate us", it helps us to find ways to "move on and ahead" somehow finally getting validated.

Rose, you have to remember something about PTSD and recovery work through it. There are stages to PTSD and as we are healing and moving forward, it is up and down petty much "most" of the time we are healing. This is something I have talked to my T about a lot. And he keeps telling me not to worry and that I am still making progress.

And, in fact my husband has been talking to a man who heads up a program that focuses on PTSD treatment. ( I think I mentioned this before) And this man also has been telling my husband to be patient because while it may look like I am making progress, I can still sink again and it will be up and down for a while yet and he has to be patient with me. Actually the fact that my husband knows this man and sees him frequently is a god scent to me, answer to my prayers. It is hard enough for someone who is struggling with PTSD to understand it, never mind trying to explain it so that people who do not have it around them can understand.

Rose, you have come quiet a way now and you just have to realize that these reactions can still happen and each time you just have to be patient with yourself and work through them. And yes, sometimes it can feel embarassing that you had a big reaction after you calm down and think it through. And it IS frustrating, but just keep being patient.

Hey you do not have to feel embarassed here, we have it so we know what you are feeling here. Just come and talk about whatever comes out and forget about being embarassed ok? That is what a support group is here for and we all need to know that we can just talk things out like this.

(((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

((((OE))))