I think I figured out when I cracked

Triggers in here. In case you missed the funny looking symbol.

I think I remembered what totally cracked my ego. What made me fragment.

I discovered that I had (it is possible it is over) an ego state disorder. I had separate versions of me. More than just me and my inner child. I had two others.

Each one was distinct in all respects, as personalities. Sure, they were all me, but each passed time distinct from the others. Each had its own memories. Its own vocabularies. Yet shared in the core traits that make me me.

My mother was my perpetrator. I was her accessory. My job was to experience her rage at my alcoholic father.

I lived in a binary world. There were two states. Rage, or not. Life was okay, or not. I didn't have any flavours of other emotions. I had to learn those all, later on.

I tried to figure out the rules. I tried to figure out how I could avoid that rage. But it wasn't about me. It never was. It didn't matter what the rules were, because there weren't any. That's what cracked me.

I cannot tell you how many times I heard this phrase, "What are you crying for? I'll give you something to cry for!"

I don't think I have to explain what happened then.

I was supposed to endure that, while stopping crying. She'd hit me until I stopped crying. That's what would end it.

One time, she hit me really hard, right out of the blue. And I was shocked, but didn't cry. So she hit me again. I didn't cry. So she wailed me. I still didn't cry. And she said, "Why aren't you crying?" As if, this time, the rules weren't the rules. And I snapped.

I'm remembering all kinds of things now. And it's okay. Humpty Dumpty didn't have the right kind of help. That's why they couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.

Lar

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))

No wonder you snapped.... YOU were trying to make sense out of an adult world all while still thinking and feeling as a child.... How is a child expected to solve such a complicated problem created by a mixed up and destroyed adult? - YOU CAN'T.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

And, she never once comforted me. Not one hug, not ever, do I remember.

Everything was conditional. Everything.

Thank you for noticing me.

Lar

grrrrrr at perpetrators

((((((((((((((((( Lar ))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((LAR)))))))))))))) I am so sorry you had to go thru this. I hope for you continued strength to get thru this . I hope you hang on to our support here as you need it Larry. We offer it to you Unconditionally . And with love. Tqke care my friend. And thanks for all you do for us!

Hugz~
Bethy

Not one hug, not ever, do I remember.

No wonder the caregiver role you now find yourself in is so difficult.

Yet it's so damn admirable, Larry.

You're a good, kind-hearted man.

(((((((((((((larry)))))))))))))))

I hear you...so well. I know what it is you speak of...so well.

Hit for crying, then even hit for not crying when spanked because apparently it wasn't hard enough.

Once it went so far that my father swore there was something wrong with me...ME? Of course, by then there was...

I'm so sorry that we seem to share so much.

If you ever want to PM, don't hesitate. You're a special person.

KD

I keep coming back to this thread.......... it's very close to home for me--- in regard to "mixed messages".

I'm so sorry Larry for all the confusion you went through as a child ......... and reading this: </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
she never once comforted me. Not one hug, not ever, do I remember.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I am right there too-- I believe my mother saw needing comfort as a weakness.

So confusing when our culture tells us "mothers" are safe, they cuddle, nurture and comfort---- when some had very much the opposite. Oh, once in a while I got a "nice" reaction... but that's only when HER conditions were met. To this day I struggle trying to guess what every single person's conditions are of me-- as I don't want to be rejected--- causing much anxiety----

Again, I'm sorry for what you went through and hope that little by little as you understand those "pieces", you are able to fit them into a new-healed YOU.

Confusion and mixed messages describes my childhood too well and nope, no hugs either
Trying to sort through the mess and why I still find myself at times "attracted" to "abusers"

Good post 2b1better

Healing thoughts and wishes (((( Lar ))))

((( Larry Hoover )))

Thinking of you.

Remember that a CHILD cannot be blamed!

Children are innocent. And as children we feel guilty, and that we are bad and useless and terrible...... the list goes on.

It is truly awful what you have been through. You were in a no-win situation at the time. Whatever you did as a child was wrong in the eyes of the perpetrator.

THE PERPETRATOR was wrong!

Working out what actually happened is very painful but knowing is better than not knowing.

You are good person Larry.

Take care.

Children are innocent, I agree.

Did you really "snap" or "crack" or was that the way to cope, change the feelings, make your own needed rules? Sometimes, no, OFTEN, we are too hard on ourselves. We use words that others use, for convenience...but too often, imo, they limit what really happened, what we really feel.

(((larry))) I think you've come to a good place, being able to see this, and to share it with us.

I read your post and I don't know what to reply as I can't relate because I don't remember much about my childhood. But I know I didn't has the right to cry. I don't remember anyone saying that to me. I just know it.

I'm so sorry that you didn't has parents who could love you as you deserve to be love. I am also sorry about the abuse you had suffered.

Yep, If that's reality, who needs it??? My Mom never comforted me either. The first time I recall anybody sorta patting my back and doing the there there thing I was 19.......
It shocked me to the core, I didn't know how to react...
Hope you have someone(s) to give you a bit of comfort these days. ))))) ) ) Larry ((((((( ( ( bumpies 4 U

Still triggers flowing, by the way.

I appreciate very much the empathy and support. It feels a little unsettling to receive this much attention, when once upon a time, attention is the last thing I wanted. But, I'll manage. [that was actually said with twinkly eyes]

I'm just going to randomly speak to thoughts that arose from this all, rather than answer anybody directly.

It means a lot to know that I am like you, even if the similarity is itself tragic. I was a normal little boy, in a very unusual place. I did what I had to do, to endure it. If I was asked to use one word to define my childhood, in the context of her, it is terror.

Putting words to my memories is crucial, by the way. It unblocks the next thought, to finish forming the one in front.

I realize the central theme of what she did to me.

She would hit me until I had stuffed a similar amount of emotion as she had stuffed, herself. You see, one of the Rules was that if He was home, only He had rage. Not that he was home a lot. I remember her saying once, "I thought I was protecting you kids from him." The thing is, I believe her. Not that it helps me in any way. But I believe she was sincere when she said that.

Also, the pieces are already healed. Not yet grieved, though. But the context is restored. I'm remembering now, not because I'm ready. I'm remembering now because I re-integrated. "Ready" doesn't really describe the situation. I've been ready for a long time. I just couldn't access the memories, because they were mostly stored "off-site", in the memory of the broken off piece.

I think anybody can stuff emotions in a crisis. It's natural to do it. I'm sure I employed that human attribute for many many years before I could have even understood the words for it. But the idea that there were no Rules was too big, when laid on me at a moment when I had been stuffing the biggest hugest stuffer yet. The fabric of my ego tore apart. Whenever it was that it happened, from that point onwards, that fragmented bit had no access to the main me.

Given sufficient emotional stimulation, like a spark between two conductors, I could leap into the expert stuffer ego state, which was in the broken off piece. From the outside, I'm triggered. Just in case anybody didn't know I ever got really triggered, I think some of my triggered episodes are infamous. Until I had the Internet archives, I really wasn't aware of how big they were.

From inside, though, all I had was lost time. I had no idea what really happened during one. I have no memory of it. Like I was carjacked, knocked out, and I 'came to' in some really dangerous neighbourhood. I'd have all the physiological stimulation appropriate for the state of arousal, and I'd certainly note that people around me weren't too happy with me, but I wouldn't really understand what had happened.

The transitions were seamless. Trust me, I looked very hard. For years and years, I looked intently, but I couldn't figure out what was even wrong. Finally, somebody on another board suggested the concept of ego state disorder. I didn't even fit that, really, because of the sense of lost time. I'm one step removed from DID/MPD, I think. Maybe not. Depends on your definitions. I know there's at least one more entity inside me, and it isn't me. I just figured that out, too. I think it might be an internalized version of my mom. Only I'm better at it than even she was. The verbal abuse, I mean. The abuse wasn't merely physical. Maybe it's a hybrid of me and my mom. It'll come to me, some time. It takes time to look at everything.

A piece broke off my ego, somewhere back around 7? years of age, and only interacted with the world when I was triggered sufficiently. It grew up some, along the way. Ya know? It was no more frozen in time than we are. And the re-integration event was the most horrific experience of my life, by at least an order of magnitude. It felt something like a zipper closing. Except the zipper started out all twisted up, so there was a whole lot of spinning and stretching and squeezing and....I was so disoriented, so un-grounded, that I thought that it was the end of sanity itself. I thought, "so this is what it is like to lose your mind". But being so ungrounded, it was also my personal hell. My ultimate worst emotional state. My personal hell. But it ended after only a few hours. I slept, and woke up with a sense of personal competency I have never known. Humpty Dumpty shook off the clumsy work of the king's men, and fixed hisself. The piece knew precisely where it ought to have been. All it needed was the first point of contact, a reference point. And it went out from there, in four dimensions. Three of space, and one more for time. Like a crystal forming out of a super-saturated solution.

I think I am correct in linking another memory to that fragmentation event, when my ego broke apart. I'm pretty sure she left bruises, that time. She wasn't careful enough where she hit me, that time. And I wore a long-sleeve shirt to school in summer? And maybe a social worker came to our apartment? In those days, they wouldn't often apprehend a child. I'm not sure I have a clear enough recollection to sort that out. I think she got warned? Of course, all that did was drive it further underground. Anyway.

It feels good to have my piece/peace back.

And it feels good to have y'all around me.

Lar

Larry,

You write so well. You're able to put into words what I cannot. It seems that, not only do we share what "got us", we share a commonplace in our healing. It's so good not to feel alone there as well, even though I'm sorry that you've had to endure.

Start to finish, all of you is special and magnificent. We've survived for a reason, we split for a reason, and we've come together for a reason.

I think your sharing was meant to be for me...almost similar to to spiritual experience when one feels as though the "message" is for them.

Thank you for sharing...more than you know.

KD

Thank you, KD.

I am in a period of synchronicity. Things are coming together, all around me. It is almost spooky, at times. But it keeps happening. And I keep stepping forward, both because of and to seek out the synchronous reality.

Blessings,
Lar

Yes...again understood.

Thank you.

Larry,

Want to let you know that I hear you. I'm not very eloquent right now, thoughts and words aren't quite synching, but I do really hear you.

I am inspired by the fact that you keep stepping forward.

I love synchronicity!

Larry, it is quite amazing and brave to share your story. Yes, "the mothers" were supposed to protect us. And they had the most power in the world to split us, to hurt us, to make us all but disappear. I thank you for sharing. Maybe we could get "the mothers" together and they can lament the horrible children they had. I am sorry Larry. Sorry because I know the place much too well. There is a swear here. They are all *****es who hurt us.

I am greatful that I know how o nurture and support. PEACE/PIECE