Recent Gun Violence ... Triggering Me

I feel so awful (selfish really) for writing this, but I need to get it out. My heart hurts so much for the victims of the gun violence. I have refrained (as much as possible) to watch, listen to or read any sort of media coverage of this tragic event. It is difficult to get away from it though, because it seems everyone is talking about it. It was the first thing my coworkers brought up this morning. Everyone is so sad, so shaken, trying to make sense of something so awful. One coworker mentioned she wanted to know why. She wanted someone to get to the bottom of it. Coworkers with children...especially little ones...were visibly shaken, hurting and sympathizing with the other parents and the families that were suffering. The issue of gun control came up briefly, but mostly it was just an office of heavy hearts.

I do not have children, so I cannot relate in that particular way. But I do have many friends and family members with children. I felt because I dont have children, I could not really contribute to the conversation. Yet, through my own experience with gun violence and losing my mother, I do know how it feels and how incredibly devastating it is to lose someone I love to gun violence. Senseless gun violence. And the gruesome death of an innocent and what it does and how it affects those left behind.

In the end, it really doesn't matter why. In the end, there are no good answers. In the end, justice is moot. The beloved person is gone and never coming back.

In the end, when someone you love is a victim of gun violence, whatever their age, it changes you. It changes how you see things.

I am trying to stay away from the chatter...all of the chatter...because it triggers me tremendously. And selfishly, too, it frustrates, hurts, angers me that so many are so outraged collectively, in huge numbers, yet it has been happening or has happened to many of us already. And no one really gave a damn. Except for our family and our mother's friends.

But I just cannot wrap my mind around it.

"I feel so awful (selfish really) for writing this, but I need to get it out"quote Rose

Why do you feel "selfish"? Why do you feel that you "can't" be a part of the discussion and share your personal experience?

I am so glad you came here to talk about this Rose. You know how it feels to lose someone to gun violence first hand. And you deserve to grieve that, share that and talk about it. It is "not" being selfish, but that does come from your past that you would think that way. Understand that in your past you did not have people around you that were willing to "see you and validate you" the way you needed it, deserved it. You do not have to continue feeling that way any longer. You have a right to "feel" and talk about it and be heard and validated.

Just because you do not have a child of your own, doesn't disqualify you to feel pain, and share your own pain. Because it is the "same" kind of pain when we lose someone this way, whether it is a child or a parent or anyone close to us.

This is the time to "self observe" Rose, are you disconnecting from others at work because you feel you should not "include" your feelings about how this is affecting you? Are you telling yourself you "can't" share because you don't have your own child? Are you unknowingly looking for reasons to not being allowed to have your pain?

If you are not sharing, and are "hiding out" with "your pain" that will lead others to misunderstand you. This is part of how we can unknowingly push ourselves into "disconnect". It is "ok" to show our own emotions in a situation like this. It is a time to stop our inner mind from saying to ourselves that others will "sigh and discard our feelings and may even say "this is not about you Rose" to us somehow". This is what I was constantly told myself, so you are not alone in hearing that in the back of your mind.

Because the truth is, this is about all of us, and we are all touched by this deeply in our own ways. If others cannot see that, that it is never because we do not deserve to feel our own pain. And the only way to finding those that actually "can" see our pain, is to offer our pain along with everyone else. And in doing that, we slowly begin to connect to others. You are doing that here, and you are learning that it is ok to do that. That is a beginning to Rose, having permission to be "Rose" and that is truely OK.

((((Hugs)))))
Open Eyes

(((Rose))),

In all honesty, I do know how this is running very deep in you. And it is not something many people "think about", but that doesn't mean you should hide it, because there "are" people that "will be able to understand".

I can see your personal struggle with "your own language" and someday you will feel ready to share it. I do want you to know Rose, that you deserve to say it, and while I know you don't think others will understand it, they will, there are people that will hear you. I am already hearing you, more than you know.

And I already see "you" and I can also see how "special" you are too. If you ever want to "speak your language" I am here to listen anytime.

You are going to be ok, you are a good person ((((Rose)))).

((((Gentle caring Hugs))))

Open Eyes

People kill people. With guns Proven fact many times over.

Much love Rose. I'm sorry you're hurting

Thanks ((((OE)))) and for the hugs guys!

I feel as if I express my feelings people will invalidate and say, "(scoffing) how could you possibly understand? you aren't a parent!" or "you just wouldn't / couldn't understand. The victims are children" (which is somehow DIFFERENT than losing someone else to gun violence).

...are you disconnecting from others at work because you feel you should not "include" your feelings about how this is affecting you? Are you telling yourself you "can't" share because you don't have your own child? Are you unknowingly looking for reasons to not being allowed to have your pain?

I do not think I am disconnecting from the conversation on purpose. I am disconnecting, though. I am numb right now. And I am avoiding.

I am disconnecting from the pain that is associated with the topic. And I feel I should not include my experience because I do not want to discuss something personal like that at work (I did participate and mentioned how tragic is was/is, and I listened to everyone speaking and sharing their pain and grief, and I responded a little, but I did not come out and say, "I lost someone to gun violence and it hurts like hell and you never get over it. And when things like this come up, it affects a very deep part of me and my heart aches all over again. It is truly devastating.")

To say that that doesn't feel like sharing / participating. It feels like monopolizing the conversation.

And also, I feel angry Like when my coworker wanted to know "why"? (you learn from this "why" doesn't matter but I couldn't say it).

And here it comes pouring out: I feel angry and frustrated that is took THIS type of thing to get people "talking" and "pulling together" and grieving and crying and angry and devastated and in a spin because it was children. And children from an upscale, quiet community that were the victims. And the spokes-people are allowed to talk about their grief because it is "allowed by society" because it sounds nice.

And it's spoken by people with Connecticut accents that could "never imagine this type of thing happening to them". I completely understand that sentiment.

Nobody is thinking and saying anything other than sympathetic T&Ps (other than the conspiracy theorists and hard right).

If it were a different situation (domestic gun violence like ours) or with kids that came from a different environment, people would be sad for a quick second and then move along. They would say and think, "well, it they were adults. they must have been on drugs or something." or "It was an "urban" school. They were living in a lower class (socio-economic) environment. This is expected in THOSE types of areas. Whatever". And go about their day.

The people that are speaking today about those children and their pain are the same people as me. Yet, my voice wasn't heard. It didn't count. Nothing changed. Nobody was talking about it in DC.

My mother was buried. And the incident mostly forgotten. (not by me, though every time I hear about one of these tragedies, I think and say "when is enough going to be enough?". And then the gun control issue comes up and everyone argues gun control and gets super political and talks about how responsible they are as gun owners and drapes themselves in the American flag and quotes the part of the Second Amendment that was written years ago and is totally outdated and talks about how they eat what they kill (and it's fresh and delicious and how they are helping nature weed out the herd). And they have the right to "protect" themselves, blah blAH BLAH!

And the best one, "Guns don't kill people. People kill people". That is total bullc***! Guns were DESIGNED to kill and to protect oneself if they are out on the battlefield. Period.

God, I don't give a flyng eff about all the reasons why people should be ALLOWED to own these killing machines.

My mother was murdered. She ran for her life, in her own home where she was supposed to feel safe (thank you gun?!) and ran down that hall terrifed and was shot in the back...and when she went down she was shot in the head (for good measure?). Just because she wanted a divorce from her stupid husband (who justified having those weapons to protect the home and family).

Not being able to wrap your mind around such a horrible event is a good thing. The only people who really need to try to understand such things are those who's job it is to try to prevent them.

And those people pay a heavy psychological toll for trying to understand such horrors.

You have a good heart, mourn for the victims and their families, and try (I know it's hard) to put the evil doers out of you mind, they want to be remembered try not to grant them their twisted request.

You have valid points Rose, you really do. And sadly you are right, this is getting alot of attention because of where it happened and the socio-economic situation adds alot to it. You are right.

If this had happened in a school that was in a bad section or some lower socio-economic scale many of these people would say, or think in their mind, "thank god I don't live in that kind of place where there is so much crime anyway".

The bottom line now is "no one is truely safe" from this problem.

I can also understand how you can feel "unheard" when people begin to talk about all the ways "guns are used responsibly" yes, it is just the same as them telling you that you don't have a right to feel the way you do.

And that runs very deep and broad for you, I hear you. I am sooo glad that you are sharing your feelings in a place where you can be "heard" and "understood". You truely do deserve to have your personal pain be heard.

(((Listening and Caring Hugs)))
Open Eyes

(((Rose))) ...

I wrote a letter to President Obama and my two State Senators regarding my concerns over all this gun violence ... I usually don't do stuff like that, but this is really bothering me.

It felt good to put my concerns into words ... It may not change anything, but just stating it to people who could effect change helped to remove some of the feelings of powerlessness I feel over it.

's & 's

Thank you OE.
You hit the nail on the head. Thank you so much. Truly.

Thank you all for hearing me and for "listening" and FOR NOT invalidating.



(I feel as though I can breathe a little...)

Yes it would be nice not to analyze and 'have' to try to and sometimes understand things like this...but my brains favorite thing is over analyzing everything I think about and of course I think about that whole thing because it happened, saw it in the news and have seen it discussed. I also agree about there being a heavy psychological toll that basically sucks.

Unfortunatly, I don't think I could get a job where I would need to try to understand such things.

Unless your dream is to become an FBI Profiler, I don't think you have to worry, ((((Hellion))))

But I know what you mean about wanting to understand things and even over analyzing; especially, when the things are horrific. For me, I guess it gives me a sense of closure so I can move along.

But in this particular instance, when it's so personal and really happens, at least for me, I couldn't give a rats ***** WHY it happened. She was gone. Period. What I focused on (besides just putting one foot in front of the other) and still think about: is if / how I could have prevented it and why it was just a blip on the radar.

(that is why I was so triggered - on so many levels - by this tragedy)

The worlds in a dark place and things like this just keep making it darker. Lets just hope that there is going to be a changing of light soon, or at least less school massacres. I hate turning on my computer to read about that.

Lots of hugs to you. That whole situation is heartbreaking, a lot of people have been affected by this horrible tragedy. Sometimes you just need to get it off your chest. Oh, I was so angry and upset about this and it still chokes me up.