Flashbacks of violence

I just need to get this outa my head. Every day I keep having flashbacks to 1 particular 'attack' I received from my ex. I guess that it is 'haunting' me at the moment because so much crap is going on between him and me about custody of the kids, splitting our assets etc etc. It was in our 2nd house (he was a dairy farmer and for the 1st few yrs he changed jobs pretty much every year). He always went to bed before me as he had to get up so early in the morning. This particular night I had forgotten to get my wheat pack out of the bedroom before he went to bed, so went down to get it. I left the hall light on so I could see where I was going in the bedroom. He stirred coz of the light, and was instantly awake, out of bed and shouting...yelling at me...how stupid I was to have left the light on...how I had woken him up etc etc. He then grabbed me by the hair and dragged me down the hallway to the lounge, where I somehow ended up in the old rocking chair (almost like a lazy-boy) that my aunt had broken the springs on by leaning so far back in it. I remember thinking my head was going to go through the window right behind me as he kicked me and stomped on me. I had bruises over my legs from this, and on my arms. But the thing that I think about the most is the fact straight after this I found out I was pregnant with no1. I am so scared that somehow some of this violence may have had something to do with her brain injury now. We know that most of her brain injury has been caused since she was born, from a lack of oxygen at both birth and in the weeks following her heart surgery. But at my 1st scan the sonographer picked up too much fluid in her brain- meaning that where 'brain matter' should have been forming there was extra fluid instead. He said that it could have been a normal difference as nothing is ever exactly 'normal'. But given what we know now I don't know.
Anyway, I just had to get all that out of my head. By doing this, I hope that all these thoughts will ease up for a bit and give me some peace. Oh- and I have written a letter requesting information specific to the brain injury and how it relates to the extra fluid prenatally. I hope I can get some answers.

Hello Irish,

What you went through was truly horrible and from what I know could be a reason for your child's brain injury (my child has that also). I believe if you keep talking about it and searching for the proof you seek it you will find greater peace, but I wanted to offer some other advice also. In my experience, it will help you to learn as much as possible about how to help your child, regardless of what caused the harm. It is a a truly wonderful and healing thing to help those who face challenges. Focusing on that process will probably be just as healing as exploring the cause.

Be well,

mtd