[Big Mama]

I am so sorry to be here on Christmas Eve. It should be a happy time and a time to escape the reality of life and embrace newness and the joy of a child. Not for me. I almost hate myself for being on PC complaining. I feel guilty for asking anything of anyone or risking bringing another person down. But I have no one to talk to and I am quite annoyed w/ myself.

I cought PTSD in action. I saw myself going down the wrong path and that made it worse later.

My H and I had a disagreement and I did not feel heard or understood. He badgered me and raised his voice. It was most unpleasent. Then the tears begin to flow (from frustration, you know when you reach that point and you can't do anything about the circumstances because the words won't come) My H and I have been working on physical touch and the hugging thing. anyway, he tried to hug me and I pulled away from him. Then he was not letting this go so easily (because I'm usually resistant anyway) so he was a little more forceful and I pulled away much more agressively and turned my back to him and told him "I hate you get away from me". It just came out. I am so sorry for what I said. It was the only thing I could get out. And it was so true at the moment. But it was horrible to see the PTSD right in my face. He got so angry which didn't help. I was able to tell him later that it was a timing issue. When I'm pissed and hurt by you DON'T HUG ME OR TOUCH ME.

I know that this is a bad thing but I can see the progression in my thinking. I would not have told my H to stop 6 months ago, I would let him hug me and it would be fake on my part for accepting his touch. But thinking back to rape (20 years ago) It would have been amazing wonderful to tell my assailant "Don't touch me I hate you". So where does that leave me now. Hurt, confused, empowered, hurt, confused.

Well I jsut needed to get that off my chest. It is very annoying. It is PTSD in action. It is scary that this lives inside of me. I for the first time feel the "I love you, get away from me feeling, or I hate you please hold me" feeling. Not the last one this time around definiately the first.

Thank you for listening.

[Little Me]

I hope by sharing it helped you a little bit. I hope you don't still feel bad about coming to PC. Problems don't go away just because it's Christmas Eve. I'm sorry about what happened with H. I understand about loud voices and yelling. I have a terrible reaction to that too. I'm glad you were able to see you have made progress. I've just been seeing progress myself in areas I thought I never would. It takes time and time is hard.
Merry Christmas and hope you have some relief today.

[Big Mama]

Little Me thank you for caring. It means the world that someone simply hears and understands or if they can't understand that they here and care enough to try to understand. Thank you so much. Your right things don't go away just because it is a holiday.

[skeksi]

I have times when I wish--hope--try to believe--that my symptoms will magically disappear. And sometimes, they do! But most of the time, they are still there, in one way or another, and a reminder of that can be SO disappointing and frustrating. I also tend to feel like "a failure" at those times, even though I know I can't just make myself symptom-free.

I hope you are feeling a little better today.

[Big Mama]

Skeski feeling much better today. It's been super busy, to busy to fret over things. Thank you for responding.

[Open Eyes]

(((Big Mama))),

It's ok that you came and posted Christmas Eve, I have to admit, I was struggling alot this Christmas myself. I can also relate to being "annoyed with self" as well, me too. I can even relate to the agrument and the feeling of not being understood by H, me too.

I am glad that you got busy and got distracted enough to get through the holiday, I can raise my hand on that one as well.

Just keep letting yourself "observe" and keep working through it in therapy. Know that you will experience the symptoms of PTSD and keep learning ways to help yourself when that happens, I know it is a challenge.

I am glad you had PC to come to and vent, don't let that bother you, use it when you need it. Sorry I didn't get to post to you, I was struggling alot too, so you are not alone in that. If you are like me, today you are pretty exhausted.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[Big Mama]

Open thank you for responding back. I am so grateful to have PC. It is even better to have friends like you, and the other folks I have met here. I am sorry your X-mas may not have been merry and bright. Mine was but with a little PTSD and mental mayhem.

You know the song May your days be marry and bright , with PTSD and mental mayhem tonight. Oh well at least it rhymes. I can't think of the name of that song now. I think it's have yourself a merry little Christmas.

[Open Eyes]

Well, my Christmas turned out ok, I just had a lot of "unexpected" things come up and it took me a while to get my house in order because the PTSD brought me some unexpected surprise challenges too.

I usually have my husbands family to my house for brunch and then I go and see my parents. But this year my mother in law didn't come because she suddenly came down with a stomach flu Christmas eve. However her husband and my brother in law came along with my daugter. But because they could have carried the flu virus with them and exposed me and my husband, I ended up not going to see my elderly parents so I didn't expose them. My parents are 88 and 87 and my dad cannot drive anymore and I didn't want to take the chance of exposing them to this flu. So I felt bad that I didn't get to see my parents.

I just felt Christmas came too fast this year too.

Open Eyes