[Little Me]

I'm at a loss and stuck in how to express most things. My H is a great friend but we have no intimacy. I just finished reading Pysch Central's newsletter and it was about sex and intimacy. I wouldn't even know how to bring this up with my T or with my H. We are not interested in it I guess and it makes me feel bad. I'm sure my past has most to do with it. I know I'm not normal and that is ok but I do want to be healthy in all ways at some point or at least try to be. We both workout, eat good have family times etc. but no "us time". Been married for 18 years and I know how thankful I am for that with 2 beautiful children. I don't want to be greedy and feel like I need more. Maybe I don't need more. Although I think sharing and talking might be important to have in a relationship and I don't have friends that I do that with so I guess it's very lonely in my life.

[Open Eyes]

(((Little Me))),

It is important that you understand that you are truely "not alone" with this challenge. I have struggled this way myself and so I know the discomfort you are talking about. But, the important thing to also learn is that if you just observe here at PC, relationships are a challenge for "most people".

What you have to work on first is "understanding" yourself and where your own challenges are. This takes time and each person is different depending on their life challenges. And then your husband has to learn what areas he is challenged with as well. Then you both have to find your way of slowly "sharing" these inner challenges and learning to slowly build trust and a new kind of closeness between the two of you. This definitely takes a lot of time and both husband and wife have to be willing to finally give and work on it, also knowing there is no "quick" fix either.

I have been working on this problem too, and I am far from that "magic" moment where I have a sense of finally feeling relaxed and that my husband understands me the way I need him to. What I can tell you is that you are not alone with this challenge so make sure you don't "self punish" and instead "keep an open mind" to learning about "where your real needs are and how to find ways to fill them on a personal level".

Open Eyes

[Little Me]

So helpful Open Eyes. Thank you. Really. I'm scared and not sure he wants to work on this because for him he thinks everything is fine. At least I think he does. He is as avoidant of intimacy as I am and for no obivious reason. I'm scared to bring this up with him because of his reaction and that makes me feel too vulnerable to have him poo poo something. I do understand so many others go through this as well but it only seems like me!! Ha.
Hope you continue to see some progress with your h too. I have been standing up for myself in disagreements lately and that has been a good thing. He likes a good healthy argument/discusssion....... sometimes I do too except when only he can be right.
It's the intimacy thing that is most disturbing because that is what we need and yet it is close but so far also.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Little Me

So helpful Open Eyes. Thank you. Really. I'm scared and not sure he wants to work on this because for him he thinks everything is fine. At least I think he does. He is as avoidant of intimacy as I am and for no obivious reason. I'm scared to bring this up with him because of his reaction and that makes me feel too vulnerable to have him poo poo something. I do understand so many others go through this as well but it only seems like me!! Ha.
Hope you continue to see some progress with your h too. I have been standing up for myself in disagreements lately and that has been a good thing. He likes a good healthy argument/discusssion....... sometimes I do too except when only he can be right.
It's the intimacy thing that is most disturbing because that is what we need and yet it is close but so far also.

He is avoidant of intimacy for a reason as well. Often this is due to "his" feelings of "inadequacy" somewhere. And "avoidance" typically comes for some kind of past "pain" or being let down or a "lack", something where he was deeply hurt and hides it. To get to the reason you would have to know a lot about his past and how he was raised, old girlfriends, somewhere he didn't learn how to be "comfortable" with intimacy.

Ah, the fact that he likes to debate is because it is a place/interaction he has the capacity to feel "worthy" or "empowered". This is often an area where men who struggle utilize to "compensate" and they use "knowledge" as a path to "empowerment". Many men try to "dominate" their females this way and do not realize that this domination brings alot of "discomfort" to the female. Often men do this to "dominate" and maintain the "male domineering role in the home/relationship". This is something that men often do by "nature" and we can see extremes of this in different cultures.

If the woman in the relationship is the domininant one, often the man will struggle with "intimacy". Also if the female is a "dominant narcisist" the children will struggle because they do not see the right kind of "male to female" balance taking place to observe and imprint on.

If you listen to most men, they want a woman to "listen to them, love them and appreciate them physically, and feel that they are the dominant one in the home". The reason a lot of men "cheat" is because they often feel "unappreciated" in their relationship. So, if they come across a woman who does fill this need, they will often engage it simply because it boosts their "ego" which is something most men have that is primitive in nature.

Women like to feel "appreciated" and "valued" and "respected" in the relationship. And they don't mind the male being "dominant" as long as the male does it in a way that shows the female she is not just "property". This can be compounded if the female has been a victim of abuse and struggles to find a way to "not feel like she is just property that must give in". A female who has a history of being "sexually abused" struggles to find a way to trust and feel "safe" in a relationship.

Unfortunately this is an area where men simply struggle because they do not know how to appropriately relate to a woman with this kind of challenge. Often this sends them a signal that they are somehow "inadequate" and they do not have enough "emotional intellect" to understand how to react to this challenge. Therefore the relationship begins to suffer with an odd space where neither partner knows what to do to find a way to connect inspite of this challenge.

The answer has to come from not only "marriage counceling" but also personal counceling so that each partner understands themselves, as well as where the relationship also is challenged. So, if only "one" partner is seeking counceling, the relationship will suffer because only one person finds resolve instead of both partners seeing their own problems and learn ways to find better life skills.

Open Eyes

[Big Mama]

Little Me a question came up in marriage T about what men and women want. The T asked my H what does a woman want, my H said patience. When she asked me what does a man want I said sex. Yikes. I was so far off. She told us the correct answer. Women want to have a protector and feel safe and know that there H can be the safe one to turn to, to run to, to hold you and protect you. This is not what my H and I had going on at all. Infact he was my fear. I was afraid of him. He intimidated me and was loud and spoke down to me. Men want to be appreciated and respected by there wives. For there efforts to provide financially and emotionally.

I have sexual abuse in my background and it affects the way I deal w/ things. My H after 18 years is learning to adapt to me and my needs or lack of needs. Have you guys considered marriage T. It has helped us so much. We have so much further to go but now there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

[Little Me]

Yes, I have considered it but can't swing it. Too much going on in our schedule. I don't think he would want to go because he doesn't see a problem and I can't express that there might be. Frustrating and depressing. We did go see my t once and it was really helpful. He is very sensitive and I don't want to upset the apple cart too much by spoiling what he thinks is fine. I've been working on so many things lately and feel strange growing and changing and he isn't. Not my job to change him and I know that. I'm reasonably happy just not secure and safe and feeling so connected is all.

[Big Mama]

I can understand that. My H seldom realizes there is a problem. It took a true act of God to get him into T and he would only go w/ me at that. That way I could be a failure to. Now he see's that T is not for failure it is to prevent a train wreck heading for failure.

Hope yall can continue working threw things.