[Big Mama]

WARNING TRIGGER RAPE Sexual abuse Emotional abuse

I am just confused and alone and don't really know what to do and I don't know if what my T is suggesting is sound. I don't know if this is just the beginings of how things are when you start to deal w/ this kinda stuff. Here is what is going on and has happened in the past little bit. ...... .

I went to see the T tonight alone. Every now and again I go alone if my H can't make it. Tonight was one of those nights. I have run into an issue that I knew existed but I put it away in the back of my mind. It is slowly reemerging. I have had issues w/ this T and trauma's coming out. She specializes in trauma's. I want to work threw these things and get over them if that is really even possible. I do not like it when little things emerge and I do not get to deal with them properly. I brought this to her attention a while back and she said we could not do any trauma work because I was presently not in a secure environment. 6 mo later I find myself in that same spot. So again I asked her about trauma work she told me again it was just to risky w/ out the proper support and being triggered daily. But she did say this time, which was different then the last, if I wanted to write about it please do. I write alot. Somethings like this I cannot say out loud but can write. I want to do it and she said if I want to and feel a need to then by all means do. But to call her right away if I start having panic attacks or frequent nightmares or night mares that are more then I can handle.

I don't really know how to start. I had a relationship when I was 15 w/ a man who was 19. He did things to me that I objected to. He would have me stand in front of him w/ nothing on so he could look at me and touch me. He would get me lost and make me do things w/ him that I didn't wan't to do. He would come to my house and beg and plead the "If you love me" crap. Just this once, I won't ask you to do it again, then afterwards he'd tell me how special I was and how much he loved me. Coming from a home where loved was denied I guess I needed that. He's beg, I'd cry because I didn't want to and he'd reward me w/ words of kindness when it was over. This went on for 9 mo. I finially got the courage to stand up to him, when I did he threatened to kill himself. I remember him telling me so many times "The only thing you are good for is a good F***" It was strictly oral but unwanted none the less. He threatened to commit suicide if I didn't stay w/ him. I didn't care really. But then he started telling me if you see me on the news you will know it was your fault. Or "If my momma calls you in the middle of the night you know why, Can you live w/ that being your fault". I didn't go back to him. He started stalking me. He'd drive past my classes at school, he'd drive 20 miles out of the way and drive past where I worked. He would drive past my house. I think he was messing w/ my horses and animals durring the day when I was not home. They were being suspicious. He didn't like my horse. My horse took my attention away from him.

Shortly there after I met another man I was 17 and so was he. He was a very quiet individual. I'd known him most of my life and I felt fairly safe w/ him. We went out to eat and to a movie and then we took the scenic route home. He stopped at over an overlook but was not interested in the scenery. He got a packet out of his pocket. (condom alert) He was all over me. When I protested he continued. Eventually I got him to stop. He had the packet in his hand and wanted to know when were we gonna do it. WHAT!!!? What kind of girl did he think I was? Apparently that kind of girl.
So experience nubber to was not a good one.

The next guy I met tried to force me into a a stall in a barn. We worked on a horse farm. He had no idea what I had been threw. I asked him to stop following me around, to quit touching my butt, to keep his hands to himself. A barn is the worst place to mess w/ someone. I grabbed a whip and hit him w/ it. I felt terrible for doing that but w/ my past and then this, I was not about to let the same thing happen again.

Later I met my H. I had not told anyone about the first guy. I was not sure what constituted rape. I'm still not sure. In my mind that is what it was all along but since it didn't contain sex sex I was not positive so I said nothing. I did consent, I was coerced, but I still did what I did. I met my H and all was good for a while but then things got sexually heated. We had sex and that did not pose a real problem. But after awhile we had sex when I didn't want to. He would BEG, just like someone else did. We would go to a hunting cabin way up in the woods and I felt LOST. Just like the other guy who got me lost. My H was not getting me lost. He knew where he was and I didn't. I knew no one could find us if I protested, so I didn't protest. Sometimes my H would get us a hotel room for the night. I had a 12:00 cerfue(sp) so I always left at 11:15. I didn't want to have sex. I wanted to keep him and I knew that was what you did to keep a man. So many times I would cry on my way home. I felt like a *****. Take me to a hotel for a F***. He would beg until I agreed. It made me feel terrible. I would cry because I didn't want to and he did, I 'd cry when we were done. He wondered sometimes why I was crying and I didn't know how to tell him. After we were married I cried on our honeymoon. We had sex, thats what you are supposed to do. When he wanted to do it again later and I didn't he begged for it. I felt terrible. I did what he wanted. This was not what he was expecting a honeymoon to be. He must have pictured a weekend of wild sex. I pictured yes sex, but have some fun and enjoy our new life together. Once was enough for me. That is where it all began. Sex has not been so great for us. My H did more then enough begging, he's done some twisting of words and making me feel crappy so I would do it. I only did it to shut him up and make him leave me alone. It's easier to tolerate 60 sec, then an hour of arguing.

18 years later our sexlife is nonexistent. We have some issues. I know he is boarder line abusive. He is abusive emotionally. I don't have a real connection w/ him. I do let him have his 30 sec of fun though. I know he needs it. People are supposed to need to have that connection. I need him to earn that connection. Treat me well, act like you love me, treat me like a wife not a kid. I don't know what kind of impact the past junk has on this relationship. I assume that a rocky start, being triggered, has not helped. Our situation now is not good. There is no connection between us. I don't know how to do anything anymore. I'm lost and not headed in the right direction but do not know which way to go.

I don't know what anyone can say to help really. I just can't sleep and felt like writing. Sorry this is so long. If you have any suggestions fire away.

[Open Eyes]

(((BigMama))),

I think it is good that you are opening up and sharing this. It is always brave to do so as well, because it always comes with so many mixed feelings.

You are not alone in this struggle BM. I have been working on my own challenges and it took me a long time to talk about them too. I felt exposed and confused after I opened up too. But the only way to find your way past all of this, is working through it all. Give it time.

(((Gentle caring understanding hugs)))
Open Eyes

[Big Mama]

Thank You Open Eyes. Just lonely here and touching the surface of this is tough. But that is what friends are for (and T's to). To help you not be alone and give a big hug when needed. Thank you for caring.

[Open Eyes]

Oh, I understand, it does get lonely, I have dealt with that many times. But you are not alone sadly. There are a lot of women who quietly struggle this way. I dealt with that for years myself so I know.

I am glad you found PC and have a place to open up and truely know you are not alone.

(((Hugs)))

[Beachboxer]

BigMama - I'm single.But I relate. Can't have sex - just remembered rape at 13/14 yrs old and then another in 20's by cop I worked with. mid 50's never married no kids, Started counselling for Abuse & memories came up. Can't heal until alone and safe. am safe now and healing is happening at its own pace. My T specializes in Historical abuse,trauma & PTSD. It is scarey - but I have come so far. P doc is afraid I will crack so I am slow and easy and don't DIG. I agree with your T - you need to be safe first. xoxoxo BB

[Big Mama]

My T is open so far and not pushing. She lets me take the lead and way what I want when I want to. We talk about the nightmares and the dissociation. She is quiet, she is still she is emotionless. She doesn't ask questions.

[Big Mama]

sorry. had to make a quick exit. I'm back. My T seems to handle things in a way that works for me.

Things are setteling down at home for the moment. So it is safe enough to proceede very slowly.

[hiddeng3nius]

I don't think I have anything to contribute to this except that I thank you for being brave and opening up here. You are doing great by visiting your therapist! I hope you get all the support you need from here as well. Does your therapist simply hears you out first? Has she offered any advice or insight yet?

[Big Mama]

Things are progressing slowly. I have been having dreams, reocurring ones from a long time ago. It is odd that I can still remember them like it was yesterday. But right now she is looking at what I dream as a picture of what is going on inside of my brain. Some of the things I dream are of my H hurting me, arguing w/ my H and my H forcing me to do things I don't want to. Other times I dream of being trapped, of mazes, similar abuse from other men, it is difficult ot try to get along w/ my H durring the waking hours but to have my sleep haunted by him makes things even more difficult.

The T doesn't say alot right now. I can only right what I need to tell her about this subject. At times I can't do that. She has told me to write the difficult parts tiny and the "normal" parts like usual. The angry and frustrating parts big. So right now it is not something we can talk talk about.

[Open Eyes]

((((Big Mama))),

You are at the part of PTSD and therapy where you are beginning to "review" your personal history during the day and through dreams at night. You are also trying to understand what PTSD is as well as what it means to you and your life/who you are.

This "is" a challenging time for all who struggle with PTSD. It can be very time consuming and emotionally tiring too. It can even feel like you are out to sea by yourself hanging onto a small life preserver and wonder how on earth you got there.

Well, you have to make it a point to set aside a big part of yourself that "observes" this process. A part of yourself that stays willing to just observe and learn and also be there to remind you to be patient and caring of yourself as you slowly work through this strange thing called PTSD.

What you are finally doing is you are looking at your own personal history and beginning a journey on finally understanding what it means and that you are finally going to sort through it all, and "grow" now.

When someone has PTSD, they become "very sensative" and can be triggered by their interactions with others. These triggers can bring forward some events you had in your past that made you feel unsafe and very uncomfortable, and you didn't know what to do about it. So as these events begin to surface you will also again feel the emotions that you experienced that are attached to these events. This will also occur in your dreams as well, but you need to understand that as you talk about them, putting these events into words as well as expressing the emotions, you are also going to slowly be able to lesson the power of the emotions and confusion and even frustration and anger that also takes place.

It is important that you learn how to self sooth and recognize when your anxiety levels rise and develope ways to consciously help yourself calm down and learn how to stop the cortizol build up that often accompanies these uncomfortable triggers.

What I learned about PTSD is that because I was so "sensitive" often I could get triggered and just "pop out" a reaction and the only thing I could do is work on it "after" it popped out. I also would experience sudden anxiety or anger with these pop up responses.

What is happening is you are beginning to expell some pockets of "tramatic experiences" that you storred in your brain because at the time you did not have any way of addressing or instantly extinguishing or resolving the tramas.

This is not anything anyone could imagine could happen, so it is confusing and often unsettling and scarey. You "can" slowly learn to understand that this is part of PTSD and as you slowly address these pockets, you "gain" more control over them. AND, you do not have to "feed into them" either. You "can" learn to pay attention and slowly calm yourself down inspite of them, it does take time and is work for a while.

Allow yourself space to "observe" and understand that as challenging as this is, you can finally work through them and begin to feel more settled with yourself and your challenging history.

((((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[Big Mama]

Little pieces of the past seem to call out to me. Wanting to be heard. The T promises she will never take me or anyone else for that matter somewhere they do not want to go emotionally. Some people need to go "there", others need to never speak of that part of there history ever again. She has said there is no wrong way to go about this. Your body and mind will tell you what to do and each person is different. I have had this overwhelming need to let part of the story out. There is so much more. I can see it, smell it, feel it, block out some parts and piece them together w/ other parts to get a better picture. One day I hope to be able to tell the story that goes along w/ the movie that plays in my head. It has no words right now. Does that make since? It is like a movie that plays over and over. Every now and again I don't press play someone else does. I can't get it to stop. Other times I push play and it is for me to relive and think how did I let this happen. I can turn it off. I need to take the whole movie and put it from on the mental tape onto paper and give it to my T, or give it away. That way it is no longer just mine.

Like any great old movie once it is there for the world to see it gets almost forgotten. I think of the movie Gone With the Wind. It is a classic. It is a movie I will never forget but I don't watch it every day or every week or even once a month. I have not seen it in 20 years and not thought about it but 2 or 3 times in the past 20 years. I am hoping my own personal mental movie will be the same way. It took place a long time ago, others can see it. If they can forget about it so can I. Eventhough it may reoccur every once in a great while.

[Open Eyes]

There is a member named Mediator who started a thread about her life here at PC.
She talked about all the different relationships she had and her life challenges. It was an interesting thread to follow and I liked the way she wrote because her accent was in the writing too.

She has not been active since June, she moved and took up meditation. Her point to writing about her life was to just let it all out and then move on.

We each have a story in us Big Mama, and all our stories are as unique as we are.

Open Eyes

[Big Mama]

thats kinda me. I am waiting for the little sign from within to say now is the time. Our past is what makes us who we are today. But who will we become tomorrow if we let go of the past. I intend to find out. (slowly)