[finestitcher]

I would think that after a lifetime of years, one would be free of fear. One would also think that a lifetime of therapy would have helped me get past my fears.

I watch grandkids two to three days a week (9, 6, 5 yrs.) Normally, there is never any yelling at children in my daughter's home. Once in a while...rare...my son in law's temper shows through. Usually he is very frustrated with something he is doing in his home-office, where he spends most of this days writing...frustrations such as computer issues, grading papers, dumb first year students...things like that. Today was one of those days. He has a very strong personality. Both parents in the home are secondary educators and have an excellent grasp on what is age-appropriate for the children and consider this before "reacting" to irritations.

To get to my point...he hollered at the 6-1/2 yr old today. His frustration at all the interruptions today had gotten the best of him. Of course, this was devastating to my grandson, who sobbed and who is not accustomed to rejections from either parent.

It is this kind of stuff that brings me immediately back to my childhood and my son. I feel riveted in place. I feel like I will be next. I know in my head that this is silly, but the feeling is there nonetheless. I spent the better part of the past seven years becoming comfortable with my son in law...a male being. He is always kind to me.

Does the fear of the next incident ever end?? Ever??
This is why I am still alone and single after 22 years!!

Carolyn

[(JD)]

(((Carolyn))) I'm sorry this triggered you. Can you discuss it with your SIL? I mean, like you did above? It might help him control himself better.

As for you... well, is it really a daily fear? Or maybe just now it's daily since the trigger is so recent? (Not minimalizing it, just wanting you to evaluate it fully.) I think the years of therapy has helped you. What kind of reaction did you have to the yelling? Yes, it effected you emotionally, but were you still functional? You seem more in tune with the grandson and his reactions, than worried about yourself. Keep talking to us here at PC. (((hug)))

[finestitcher]

Sky, Yep, this is a trigger for me...men showing ANY level of what I will call violent behavior...for lack of a better word. No, I wouldn't talk to my SIL about this issue. My daughter's and son don't even know I have been dealing with this for so long. Maybe that should change, and my SIL be involved with such a conversation. It will take a couple of discussions with my therapist to get me into such a conversation, if ever. I have so much going on in my life right now...nothing new...that I don't know that I can emotionally deal with such a conversation.

My reaction...very emotional and frightened. I felt badly for my grandson, having been there and done that...so to speak...I was immediately in my grandson's "shoes." It takes all my power not to jump up and protect him. Yes, I was still functional, but initially I do have a reaction of emotional freezing...frozen in place, where I sit...which is what I did as a child, and what I did with my son. And, once my SIL grabs control of himself again, he always calmly apolgises to whichever child is involved..hugs, full explanation of his frustration, etc.

I will say this about my SIL...very much a Type A Personality. In the seven years I have known him, and that he has been married to my eldest daughter (37 yrs), and now that he has children of his own, he has come a long way with his anger issues...because of the children. I will give him that. He rarely blows, but I have been witness to his blowing up, and it is not pretty and it is usually scary.

My father: I was second born, the middle child. It was fine that my older sister was a girl, but it was not fine that I was a girl. It was really, really bad that my younger sister was a girl. Then there was my fathers mental state...bi-polar. Sever swings. When he was in between states, he was "okay." His up swings and down swings were very bad, in the bedroom crying. I would say that we were terrorized as children. And that terror extended to my mother.

He was a sheet metal worker, before prefabrication came along, and he is over 6 foot and very strong. When the weather was bad he would be home before we arrived home from school. It was terror when we came home from school and discovered his truck in front of the house. This meant that he would be sleeping on the family room floor, the coolest room in our Florida home...pre A/C in every home. Our "job" on those days was to get our daily chores done without waking him up. I was the middle child and the peace-keeper.

My older sister was the rebel in the family, challenging everything. My younger sister was the shy, timid one...she is also the one who could get my father so worked up he would put his fist through a wall.

My sisters both married abusive men in their first marriages. My older sister has not been able to break that cycle. Her solution was to finally just stop dating all together about 10 years ago. My younger sister's second marriage is to a perfectionist, and she has managed to "conform" to that lifestyle...which we all find rather sad to watch. Neither of my sisters raised children. I was only married once...once was enough for me. My life has been full, never a year without some kind of crisis. My sister's lives have been "thin," somewhat safe, and quiet, as well as financially secure...something I don't and will never have.

My son: When my son was about 9 yrs old...now 33 yrs...he began to get violent. We had holes in the walls. He once kicked in the front door. He destroyed his bedroom furniture. My husband would respond to my asking for his help with our son, "What do you want me to do about it." Note the word It, not our son. I would sit in my son's bedroom door at night just to keep him at bay while he plummeted me with stuff, picking up the end of his bed only to drop it on the floor. Eventually I had to tie the bed together with rope. At age 14, I had to send me away into a residential program, which sent him for home visits every six weeks over a weekend...my daughters and I never like those weekends, never knowing what to expect him to be like or do. (long story, insert here) Ultimately, at age 18, I was forced to have him put on the street, where he survived for two years...I suffered the agonizing phone calls for help, constant, but was powerless to do anything for him...for my own sanity I had to hold onto my person need for normalcy. There was no way I could allow him to live with me, and at that point there was not a family member who would take him in. In all those years he never gave up seeking his father's approval. (long story, insert here) I believe that I was the one he blew up to because I was the safe, never gave up on him, but his violence was worse than my fathers. I don't know why for sure, but I think it was because he knew I would not abandon him, even though his father told me a few times that I should just walk away. He spent most of those years, up until about age 29, yelling at me about his life being my fault. There are many tales I could tell about my son. There were the 50 penny dents in my living room wall. They were thrown at me, but gratefully went over my head across the room and into the wall, while I sat frozen in a rocking chair.

I will say that when I visited him in Washington State prior to his leaving for Iraq, I feared our visit and was very anxious about it. But, happily it wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. He is dealing with his anger issues and no longer spends tons of time blaming me for his life being as it has been. It is sad that he missed his entire teen years. It is also sad that he doesn't know how to have a relationship with anyone...females or friend...even sadder that he realizes this. I do worry about what I will find when he returns next Summer from Iraq. All I can do is cross my fingers and hope for the best.

So, men who are violent in any way. Can't do it. So, my solution has been to stay away from males...just easier this way. I won't have to wonder if this nice guy I found will blow! That may sound silly, but it is how I view men...they all have a temper and it WILL eventually blow.

So, now that I have given you the thumbnail view of my life!