Oh no; fear just set in, is this okay?

I am thinking too much. What I am going to do without this "friend"? I can't just completely stop. Its small steps, right. I can't be expected to eat a steak and lobster. Although I wouldn't mind. My favorite. But honestly, I can't even eat crackers or drink a full glass of anything.
Maybe my supports expect that I am going to be a bouncing bundle of joy and eat everything they want me too. What if they want this from me, I can't give this. I am having second thoughts. I don't want to back out of anything I have committed to. Its this battle in my head, this fear of getting better. This illness has been my friend, my escape from what hurts the most. What do I do without it. Oh my dear lord. This is too frightening. I want to run and hide. I had planned this before, taking off, but I did not have my kids full time then. This thought is creeping in again. I have to make it stop, let these people help me.
Why am I so worried, it can only get better; right??? I hate this, this uncertainty. I want to scream. I am feeling like SI. I don't want to slip again with it. I keep thinking about razors and things like this. I want my mind to quit, stop thinking these bad things. Grrr, I am so angry at myself, I hate me.
I have to pull together here, but its so hard tonight.

Justy

{{{{{{{Justy}}}}}}}}

You can do it, I have faith in you. You said it yourself...start out with small steps. A sip of water, one bite of a cracker.

I know just how hard it can be to let go of these "friends"...but as friends go, they are pretty crummy. They're the kind of friend that tells us they care about us, but then points out every flaw, and isolates us from the people who really care about us, even from the part of ourselves that loves us. So when that "friend" starts whispering in your ear, you just tell her to shut up! You've got real friends now, and loads of support. You don't need the kind of friendship that only ends up making you sadder and weaker.

*big hugs*
Good luck,
Jo

This has been a big part of your self-identity for a long time now, hasn't it? That means that it's not just eating that has to change -- it's your whole identity! Of course it's not going to be easy for you, you've got to figure out who you are without it. That's going to take a while, just as it took a while to build this identity.

Besides, you know that this isn't really about food, this is about a lot of other things. THOSE things will take a while to settle into new patterns. The eating part is the easy part, and if that really was all it was about it wouldn't be nearly as difficult, would it?

Yes, baby steps. You might try something small, like a nice juice (NOT orange juice, or any other citrus -- too much acid for your tummy), or a little bit of egg bread with sweet butter. Just something comforting, like the apple juice your mother used to give you when you didn't feel well, or some jello. My "little somethings" are tomato juice or pickles, but I don't purge so don't have the same restrictions you do. Some peanut butter on a cracker, maybe. (That's good for you, too: a nice mix of protein, fat, and carbohydrate.) Just a little something, when you're alone and relaxed and can just experience having it stay down.

It can be done, of course, even though it's hard.

While you're NOT thinking about all this, though, think about who you want to be. Who you are besides all this. It's so easy to get to where we focus on this to the exclusion of anything else. I forget who else I am. I forget that I'm creative, strong (largely because I no longer am because of losing a third of my body weight), capable, an excellent teacher, a good analyst, curious, attractive, sparkling, and all the other attributes I used to incorporate into my self-image. Now, instead, I find myself thinking I'm fat or thin, based on what the scale says in the morning. (And even there, the scale has said the same thing every morning for a long time, so it's the lack of additional weight loss, rather than weight gain, that makes for a Fat Day.) Even though this forms my identity, it's also stripped me of the rest of my identity. More of my energy goes into either hiding my weakness, hiding how little I eat, or scheming to eat even less -- there's damn little energy left for anything that would extend my identity.

So, baby steps, Justy. Baby steps. Stand up on those baby legs, and sway a little. That's enough for today. Keep a little list, in crayon if you like so you can put colors on it, of all your other attributes. Are you creative? A good cook? A loving mother? Kind? Put those on your list. And get yourself a nice body lotion, so you can love your body just a little as you put it on. Little things like that help.

Be well, and be more than you are now.

HEHE. I am so stupid when it comes to computers. Dont mind the edited thing.

Anyway, I love what you both had to say. Its true, this is not the kind of friend that anyone needs. Its hard to let her go. And I know its going to take a long time. I think that's part of what worries me the most. What if I don't recover in this process or if it comes back. I have had this for many years, never to this point of being in danger. This friend of mine holds on, or I hold on to her. So what if she comes back, if she does ever go away.

Genevieve, you sure can write so wonderfully. I really apprecaite how you put together your thoughts, I find it touching. I relate very much to what you have said. I know how much you are struggling as well. Its amazing that so many in here are going through these battles but yet support and encourage the others here as well. The word that i think of when I think of you all; AMAZING.

My thoughts are always with you. I wish I could help more, had the answers for everyone. The magic pill does not exist and my magic wand is in the shop. lol. Its been there a long time.

Justy

Well I have been thinking and I am kind of proud of myself for not cutting. Yes, I got sick and all but I didnt go further with it. Thats good. I feel good that I didnt cut.

HMMMM. One of these days where I want to talk all day. Trying to keep my mind off of not having my babies this weekend. I will probably be on here driving you all insane. HEHE. sry. I need to keep busy. I will spend lots of time with my puppy. He loves to play. I like playing ball with him either then the slobber problem he has. And sometimes he mistakes my fingers as his ball or a stick. OUCH. I have bruises all over. But I bruise so easy lately. The littlest thing makes me black and blue.

Anyway, I need to go. I am dropping off my son's remote control cars he got for his b-day. He wants to race daddy. I wouldnt let him take them this afternoon, too much of a distraction for him. So I am taking them for him. Talk to you all later.
Hope your day is good. And I keep thinking about September, hope she is okay.

Justy