[LilMercy]

I wanted to start off first by saying HI! and by asking this question Im looking for Mainly Opinions to see if maybe I'm missing something. But I shall start with some background information

Im 24 years old, At the age of 4 -10 I experienced serve Sexual and Physical abuse by my father, My mother moved My sister and I across country but when I turned 17 sent me back to live with my father the abuse then started back from 17-21 I do now have a CPO and he has left the state! So Aside from suffering PTSD, Depression and Self harm has all shown up as well.

I have been with this new counseling service for close to 2 years, I am currently on my second therapist (First one left due to school and family) I am Finally getting comfortable with her its taken over a year and I've barely opened up much about my past and dealing with things I always shut down and refuse to speak Now she is being offered a job at a new building under a different doctors and such, I have been given the option to follow her and which I have decided to do so. We will be working on intake paper work which consist of me coming up with goals and things I want to work on, This gets me everytime I always clam up and just shut down. I want to avoid this big time and so I thought I could maybe start writing things down I want to work on dealing with but slowly enough I dont close up. But Im lost, There is so much that once I start to think of something small everything floods and overwhelms me.

What does a person with ptsd work on? Any Ideas on what I can use as a focus point so that I dont get overwhelmed? I know I need to work on Coping skills but thats as far as I can really get....

If you made it this far Thanks I know I wrote half a novel. and all opinions and advice would be great!

[Open Eyes]

Hi LilMercy, I am glad you found the PTSD forum, welcome. What you are talking about, the challenge of talking about your past, is "very common". Pretty much everyone that has suffered sexual abuse, doesnt know how to talk about it, or if they can talk about it either.

Another forum you can visit as well is the Abuse forum too. There are people who will understand how challenging it is for you to talk about it.

I first want to say that you may want to read some books about it too.

A book that I have been told is "good" is "Trama and Recovery" by Judith Herman and
"The courage to heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis.

I think you should first start with Trama and Recovery though, which can help you to understand the stages of "recovery" that take place so you will know what to expect on your own journey to recovery.

What helped me to slowly "talk about my childhood sexual abuse" was to just talk about the subject overall with my therapist. I got to hear my therapist talk about "his" opinions and knowledge about it, and I was slowly able to say, "me too" without getting too into "my details".

A good therapist, wants "you" to feel safe and they are not going to push you into talking about too much that can push you into re-experiencing the trama. The idea is to concentrate on your symptoms and challenging areas and to get you to a point where you can talk about things slowly without getting yourself all stressed out and retramatized.

Each person is a little different and what often happens is after the person slowly starts to reveal a little bit, they often want to reveal more and more, because they begin to feel a release of not having to keep holding it in. And that begins the slow healing journey and putting our history of abuse into language and slowly working through it step by step. And as they feel safe in finally opening up, they want to open up more and finally make the effort to address with the help and guidance of the therapist.

So, I think that "reading" some things about it first is good, because you can talk about and ask questions about what you read with the therapist. It will, as I mentioned, help you find your way to feeling more comfortable with the therapist and be more willing to open up, knowing that the therapist understands this problem, has experience treating it, and you wont be somehow judged, but instead "helped and understood" and more importantly, be "validated".

(((Hugs and welcome again))))
Open Eyes

[LilMercy]

Thanks so much for your reply, Back in October was my first time every really letting my counselor in about some "dark secrets" as I like to call them, And it was rewarding at the end but then other things life started to take over and I reverted back to just shutting down and keeping it simple of Whats going on this week kinda thing. My Counselor and I had tried to slowly work int he book "Courage to heal" Per my request, was so not ready for that...I will look into the book Trauma and recovery.

One thing I do enjoy about my sessions, Its ran by me. Gives me that feeling having the "power".

I can so see how this website is going to help me understand and get frustrations out when needed but also gives me the chance to help others which I have a huge desire for

[Open Eyes]

((LilMercy)),

Good, not all of you is damaged, it is not unusual for the victim of abuse to develope alot of empathy and even desire to help others.

What will be helpful for you Lil is if you allow yourself to develope a part of you that becomes a student, a part of you that "observes and learns" and keeps an open mind. Self "empathy" is important to maintain throughout your healing, and to stay strong no matter what you learn or feel about yourself.

When we decide to go through a "healing process" and face our history, we begin to think and feel alot of "confusing" things. There is often a sense of "being lost" and even thinking that "no one will ever understand how our history has affected us". There are even times where we realize things about ourselves that we never realized before, even get confused and can feel very vulnerable and even very "alone". There can even be periods that bring on a strong sense of "unworthyness".
There are often periods of anger too, along with not quite knowing what to do with the anger. There are also periods of sadness and tears too. But all of this is what comes with healing through "PTSD and a History of Abuse".

What has helped me "the most" is developing that part of myself that just "observed" whatever I felt and however I reacted and stood above it all. A part of myself that recognized "I have PTSD and I have been hurt in ways I was not aware of" and to be patient and caring of self no matter what I learned during therapy and healing process.

If I could help you understand one important thing, other than what I have suggested so far, is that you need to know that you "can" better manage the "anxiety" that is experienced with PTSD. There will be challenges of being "sensitive" and being triggered and that brings on a message to the brain "fill me with cortizol because I might be in danger". When this happens, PTSD sufferers feel they are somehow "losing control" and they get frightened and often "feed into" the trigger or anxiety making it even worse. And there will be times when troubling things/emotions surface and when that happens, it is important to understand that they come forward like a wave, you cant really stop it, but it comes foward, crests and then receeds. This is often called a cycle. And this doesnt mean you will have to feel it as strongly and that you will have this happen to you from now on either. Instead, when you allow it to pass, pay attention to what it means and where it comes from, you can validate it, know it is from the past and not now, and in doing that, you begin the process of making it "weaker". And, when you experience "anxiety" and a "cortizol build up in your brain", you can "distract your brain to more "calming thoughts" which tells the brain "no emergency, no need to keep producing cortizol" and then the body begins to stop producing the cortizol and instead allows it to discipate.

Now, you mentioned that you "cut", well, that is one way, you learned how to "distract" your brain, it focused on that, and stopped being flooded by cortizol, and you "felt relief". But you do not have to do "that activity" to get the "relief" that helps you "feel better". All you really did by doing that is "instead of having your mind fill with to many thoughts that overwhelmed you, which is what happens with PTSD, you focused on "one thing" and it calmed down your brain and body, bringing relief. But you can do that in lots of other ways to get the "same relief" without marking up your body.

Often what happens when someone it struggling with PTSD anxiety, is they develope little rituals to find some kind of "relief" and they tend to "hide" these rituals, thinking that other people will not understand that it is just something they seem to "need" to do somehow. However, the reality is, anyone who understands the human brain and "anxiety" will understand that it was just a way someone "helped themselves" and distracted their brain to gain "relief". But, they just didn't understand "why" they were doing it and what it really means.

Human beings "all" find ways to "distract" themselves from "too many thoughts and stress". You can observe other people "finally knowing this" and begin to see how they have found ways to "distract" themselves when faced with situations that bring them some kind of challenge of becoming "overwhelmed".

For example; When my father wants to "avoid" a conversation or a problem someone has that "disturbs him", he constantly uses the phrase, "Well, I have to go, I am very busy right now, am in the middle of doing something "important". He had a troubled childhood himself, and what he learned to do is find things to "keep him busy" in order to avoid "being overwhelmed" with situations/confrontations/problems he didn't know how to fix or have an answer to. My older sister "self protects" the in very "similar" ways, she too is "always busy" somehow and "now is not a good time".

So, in your effort to work through PTSD, it is important to understand that PTSD, "magnifies" normal human reactions to stresses and challenges. And by allowing yourself to "learn" instead of "self blame, hide, avoid, isolate,etc." your can slowly learn to realize that you "can" regain some "more effective" ways of self soothing and distracting your mind, and then working on your "personal challenges" in slower more methodical ways, verses being overwelmed with too many "challenges and emotions all at once".

We all tend to be "self absorbed" and develope what we "think" are our own unique ways of "self protecting". And most people are not really aware of exactly "why they have ways of practicing "avoidance", they only know their personal methods just seem to "work for them". And most of these "personal methods" are in the subconsious mind and are used without really "thinking" as well.

People who have been "victims of abuse" tend to develope "coping methods" that can be "extreme" and we call these coping skills "victim mentality". Victim mentality can develope in "different ways" depending on the "victim" and "what the victim experienced". Some "victims" develope a "victim mentality where they themselves, become "abusers". Somehow along the way, this "victim mentality abuser" begins to believe that the only way they can "gain control" and a sense of "empowerment" is by "abusing" others. This kind of "victim mentality" begins to establish itself within the subconscious mind, and often the "abuser" doesn't "consciously" realize he/she is making the wrong choice in dealing with "abuse". All they know is that for some reason they gain a release from feeling "helpless and out of control" by "abusing" others. There is a "spectrum" to abusers that can run from "physical abusers" all the way to "a boss or even authority figure" that is controlling and abusive, that displays behavior patterns where others respond in "fear" allowing them to "gain control".

Other "victim mentalities" can range from a person who struggles to maintain good communication skills so they tend to remain quiet and shy, to a victim that can become outspoken at times and have a lot of empathy for others and develope some strong communication skills.

But, with "any victim" there is always a very sensitive "victim that remains hidden" and often the "victim themselves" are not always truely aware of it.

So, understanding your "own victim mentality" can be very "unsettling" and "confusing", however as you work on this, you also need to understand that some of how you "adapted" is "normal to being human" and " not all of the ways you adapted mean that you are truely a failure". And, you can learn a new way of looking at the behavior patterns of others with more knowledge and awareness than ever before.

This process can become somewhat "overwhelming" and it really takes time to slowly see one's own "coping methods" and "vulnerablities" he/she was not really aware of. And there will be a certain amount of time of first seeing it, then grieving it, and then slowly building new and better coping skills that he/she did not have before. The final stage of "healing" is learning how to "self empower" in new and healthier ways.
And to slowly understand that it is "ok" to have more knowledge and finally build better skills of coping and that we do not have to continue to "have that victim mentality". However, we will always have the experiences we lived through that affected us and were not "fair" to us. But, we can learn to "finally grow beyond it and "feel healed and more empowered".

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

"I can so see how this website is going to help me understand and get frustrations out when needed but also gives me the chance to help others which I have a huge desire for " quote LilMercy

Yes, PC can be a really good tool to have Lil, however, you may have times when you might get triggered too. When that happens you may have a desire to "run" and wonder if you are "safe" too. If that happens, understand that it is "normal" and just do your best to observe the situation and you also can have something to talk about with your therapist.

What I found to be really helpful to me, is whenever I did interact or post, I had it in writing and I could really have a way of "observing" myself like never before. When I joined PC, I didn't have a therapist, I had a bad experience with a therapist and was trying to find a new one that I could trust. So for a time I was on my own. And I had not yet learned about "my own victim mentality". And I didn't know that my PTSD symptoms were going to get worse either.

I did end up finding a new therapist, and so I met with him and also kept coming to PC too. I have to say, I did get triggered quite a few times. I thought about no longer interacting in PC too, however, I always ended up reminding myself that I was "learning" and that if I wanted to understand myself better, and how PTSD affects me, I should keep trying and also continuing to work through each trigger and see what I can learn as I did that.

I did alot of research on PTSD in an effort to try to understand it better, and I found myself "constantly" trying to put it into words as a person who "suffers from it". IRL my family/husband was not supportive and didn't understand how I was struggling at all. I have to say, that having access to others that were also "struggling with it" and did "understand me" pretty much "saved my life".

As you spend time here at PC, find others that understand you and that you "feel safe with" and if you find yourself struggling, ask for help. There are some really "nice" members here that have had therapy and time to better understand the healing process and can be very understanding and "supportive" to you. While "none" of us are therapists, we do our best to support each other as each of us make our efforts to "heal".

Open Eyes

[JayJay2]

Just to say, I have the same problems communicating and can't talk about anything, I write down what I need to say quite a lot, though some things are so traumatic I cannot even write them yet, but writing is a very helpful way of breaking through the communication problems.

[amandalouise]

Lilmercy...therapy for PTSD is the same as therapy for anything else...a person goes in to therapy with a problem and during the therapy sessions they work with the therapist to solve that problem. I see by your post you have been in therapy for 2 yrs.. I know after all that time it may be hard to come up with topics to explore during therapy.. what helps me is I keep a journal about how my day goes, how my nights go, then on t he day of therapy I skim my journal to see if theres anything in there that hasnt resolved itself or was too much for me to take care of. then i go in to therapy and tell my therapist about that problem and she helps me figure out the problem and how solve it...for example i have therapy today. I see in my journal one of the problems that has not resolved itself and i have been too busy/and the problem was a bit too much for me to take on this week is how i feel about losing my home. since the hurricane I have been taking care of others, helping others that have lost their homes and stability and its getting to the point where I may have to make some hard choices in order to take care of me now in this, saying no to others in crisis isnt always my finer points. so Ive got all these emotions that have cropping up here and thats where I need to go today in therapy.

so take some time, think about your life today and maybe you can come up with something that isnt the way you want it to be today.. write that down, maybe you can keep a journal where it will be easier for you to see what you need your therapists help on, like I do.

after being in therapy for 2 yrs you already know what your therapy process is like, i mean how else have you spent the past two years ....working on your problems right....thats all therapy is about regardless of what the mental disorder is..

[LilMercy]

Thanks for the opinions, I am slowly coming to terms with things and todays appointment was focused on coping and problem solving for the come up coming over to the new office, Im starting to feel very hopeful.

2 years of Therapy honestly doesnt seem long enough for me, but then again I have had alot gone on in those 2 years most being 2012 was not a good year. My biggest Issue is I hate that my PTSD is something I feel strongly that someone else has done to me and that it shouldnt be my problem however It is and I dont handle it well that I am the one STILL suffering from someone elses choices and issues. I guess its time I come to terms with it and just accept that it is what it is. Now Im just rambling on and on

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by LilMercy

Thanks for the opinions, I am slowly coming to terms with things and todays appointment was focused on coping and problem solving for the come up coming over to the new office, Im starting to feel very hopeful.

2 years of Therapy honestly doesnt seem long enough for me, but then again I have had alot gone on in those 2 years most being 2012 was not a good year. My biggest Issue is I hate that my PTSD is something I feel strongly that someone else has done to me and that it shouldnt be my problem however It is and I dont handle it well that I am the one STILL suffering from someone elses choices and issues. I guess its time I come to terms with it and just accept that it is what it is. Now Im just rambling on and on

sometimes rambling helps so ramble on.

[Open Eyes]

(((LilMercy))),

Yes, this feeling that "someone else hurt me, I didn't deserve it, and yet I am unfairly left with the damage" is a very "common" strong feeling/challenge for PTSD sufferers.
There is often a very strong desire for "revenge" or "justice". Sometimes the anger can be "blinding" too. I have dealt with that myself and it has been one hell of a challenge for me.

I have been trapped in a lawsuit myself where I am trying to recover alot of damage that was due to a very "disrespectful, negligent, lazy neighbor" and that neighbor is still "disrespectful and intrusive". And this event has changed my whole life, as well as what has caused me to develope this awful challenge of PTSD. I could go on and on about this challenge that has now been going on for almost 6 years now. And it has aggrivated the PTSD many times, making it worse.

It takes time to work through PTSD and these things that happened to you that are so unfair to you. Rambling is ok, getting "validated" is "very healing".

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes