[Alishia88]

I have been in therapy for some time but we haven´t much talked about this stuff I know I really NEED to talk about but also kind of don´t really want to talk about.

I find myself wanting my T to ask me about it so I don´t have to start talking about it myself, because it is too difficult.

Also, I am scared that when we do start talking about it, I´ll talk about it but somehow it won´t help and I still won´t really BELIEVE that this is me and my life I´m talking about, just making it more easier to talk about it in a detached manner.
It´s like talking about a dream. I´m also scared that my T will react in a way that doesn´t feel right to me but I am to confused myself to tell how it is REALLY like.

I forget about it a lot too but then when it resurfaces, it is like I can see everything so clearly and I can see that if it really was conscious and UNDERSTOOD what happened there, I´d feel a lot more free and whole and at peace with the world and myself. At least I hope so.

I have read a lot about trauma.
And I do feel, as I have read, that just speaking it out loud and in detail, will make me believe it more. And I do know and can feel that THIS is REALLY what I need.
To make it real. to make it FEEL real and a part of me.
I think it will make me feel less crazy and more normal and more like myself.
In my last session we came to the point where I said: i kind of really don´t want to go into that. or look at that.
I started a little and my therapist cut right in and suggested a more positive outcome. LIke, what would I have needed to make it better and make me try to picture that.

She put a more postive and less frightening picture into my mind, next to what actually happened.

Or not. I am confused. Because to me, it happened so differently and so much more horrifieng. And now I am confused. Was it really not so bad as I think it was??
Was it just me that experienced it that way?

Also, I felt like the way my T reacted, she minimized what happened to me.
Like she thought it wasn´t so bad.
This confuses me. Because to me, of course, it was truely terrifying. But I am so uncertain of reality anyway.
So it makes me feel even more CRAZY when someone says it was less horrible or indicates something like that. That it was "normal" or that she had other patients that dealt easily.
I read to this in a book:
"As the therapist listens, she must constantly remind herself to make no assumptions about either the facts or the meaning of ht trauma to the patient. If she fails to ask detailed questions, she risks superimposing her own feelings and her own interpretiation onto the patient´s story. What seems like a minor detail to the therapist may be the most imortant aspect of the story to the patient."

Also, this alternative pictures, confuse me, it confuses my reality of what really happened. And although I really don´t know if I can, without falling apart, just speaking the truth, I feel that this is what I have to do, instead of "changing" the past, which is what we´re doing a little.

It says in the book:

" Janet sometimes attempted in his work with hysterical patients to erase traumatic memories or even to alte their content with aid of hypnsis... It is understandable for both patient and therapist to wish for a magic transformation, a purging of the evil of the trauma.
Psychotherapy, however, does not get rid of the trauma. The goal of recounting the trauma story is integration, not exocism. In the process of reconstruction, the trauma story does undergo a tranformation, but only in the sense of becoming more present and more real. The funndamental premise the psychotherapeutic work is a belief in the restorative power of truth-telling."

I have to say that my therapist is not a trauma specialist but on eating disorders.
But she can use Emdr.
Also, she likes to talk a lot herself too. Maybe 50 percent of the time, she talks, this is her approuch. With this though I think I need to talk a lot without being interrupted.

Is this "technique" with jumping in and asking what would have made it better verified?
Do you know it?
What do you think?

[shezbut]

It sounds like you are a bit frustrated with your T's ways, and you want to talk ~ but you're afraid to simply speak up. Is that an accurate assessment?

Do you ever write down how you are feeling in a journal? I would recommend bringing a journal in, in order to get the conversation started (on issues that you really want to talk about). You don't have to write a memoir, if you don't want to. Just stick with brief statements if that feels more comfortable to you. {ie: "I sometimes feel as though people minimize my traumatic experiences."} Bullet point each statement, which gets each point across to the reader (your T).

Sometimes, I feel a lot more comfortable writing things than saying them aloud. Then, I bring that journal to T, and I tell him to be quiet and don't respond until I'm done reading. Then I read it to him aloud. From there, I can choose the aspects of my writing that I want to discuss. I can also choose to let him point out the parts that jumped out to him. I've done both. At first, it was hard to speak up & ask him to just listen to me until I was done reading. But, he took my request very well! He now knows that I want to present the information and I will make some eye contact when I'm ready for feedback. That works for me.

Perhaps something similar would work for you as well? It just sounds as though you aren't getting quite what you need out of T quite yet, but you're afraid to speak up and tell your T how you feel. I have empathy for you. I know that it does take some level of trust to open up to someone about how you're feeling.

Something worth thinking about ~ Did I answer your basic Q's? I hope so!

[Alishia88]

Thank you, Shez, for responding.

Well, yes and no. I would like to know if this technique is common, I described. Though it´s not necessarily a technique.
But I know there are several techniques to adress traumatic experiences.
I was concerned because it´s a little past-altering to me and the book
said, you shoudln´t try and alter it but integrate what really happened.

[archipelago]

The best book on trauma that helped me was Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery. She doesn't just stay with symptoms, but she describes a clear path to healing. I have used it regardless of what is going on in therapy.

The first step is to establish safety, mostly in the psychological sense. You can't jump into remembering and subsequent reactions (rage or mourning) until you have that safety in place. And to me it sounds like you are uncertain enough about your therapist that safety hasn't been completely established. I don't know the "technique" you are referring to, but some feel that "exposure" is one treatment for trauma. However, recent studies have shown that there has to be a period of establishing a relationship (therapeutic alliance) before anything else. I can't tell, but maybe your therapist is trying to allow that to happen by talking more than usual. If you can, why don't you just ask? Focussing on the relationship is an important part of therapy and has been shown in studies to have a curative effect on its own.

In terms of recollection of the trauma, people sometimes think that there is something magical that happens if you just tell the story. While it is crucial to recovery to be able to put together a coherent narrative, often people are distanced from the story (dissociated) so they can tell the story in detail, but they are unable because of the effects of trauma to connect feelings and reality to what they are saying. That's often why there is a delay in going into the details, sometimes by the therapist who wants to make sure that this stage is actually productive of healing, and sometimes by the client who is highly ambivalent about wanting to go into the story completely. Remember both avoidance and intrusion of the trauma are symptoms of PTSD.

[Alishia88]

"
The best book on trauma that helped me was Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery. She doesn't just stay with symptoms, but she describes a clear path to healing. I have used it regardless of what is going on in therapy."

This is the exact book I was quoting from. And yes, I too found it very very much helpfull because on so many things, I though "yes! this is exactly how i feel." I found it very comforting to read my weird feelings and thoughts put down so accurately in a book. Also, the path to healing seemed very hopefull to me.

" While it is crucial to recovery to be able to put together a coherent narrative, often people are distanced from the story (dissociated) so they can tell the story in detail, but they are unable because of the effects of trauma to connect feelings and reality to what they are saying."
Yes that is what I meant, and I am afraid of that.
I already found out that I can write about it, but somehow it doesn´t make it much more real.

Thank you for explaining.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Alishia88

I have been in therapy for some time but we haven´t much talked about this stuff I know I really NEED to talk about but also kind of don´t really want to talk about.

I find myself wanting my T to ask me about it so I don´t have to start talking about it myself, because it is too difficult.

Also, I am scared that when we do start talking about it, I´ll talk about it but somehow it won´t help and I still won´t really BELIEVE that this is me and my life I´m talking about, just making it more easier to talk about it in a detached manner.
It´s like talking about a dream. I´m also scared that my T will react in a way that doesn´t feel right to me but I am to confused myself to tell how it is REALLY like.

I forget about it a lot too but then when it resurfaces, it is like I can see everything so clearly and I can see that if it really was conscious and UNDERSTOOD what happened there, I´d feel a lot more free and whole and at peace with the world and myself. At least I hope so.

I have read a lot about trauma.
And I do feel, as I have read, that just speaking it out loud and in detail, will make me believe it more. And I do know and can feel that THIS is REALLY what I need.
To make it real. to make it FEEL real and a part of me.
I think it will make me feel less crazy and more normal and more like myself.
In my last session we came to the point where I said: i kind of really don´t want to go into that. or look at that.
I started a little and my therapist cut right in and suggested a more positive outcome. LIke, what would I have needed to make it better and make me try to picture that.

She put a more postive and less frightening picture into my mind, next to what actually happened.

Or not. I am confused. Because to me, it happened so differently and so much more horrifieng. And now I am confused. Was it really not so bad as I think it was??
Was it just me that experienced it that way?

Also, I felt like the way my T reacted, she minimized what happened to me.
Like she thought it wasn´t so bad.
This confuses me. Because to me, of course, it was truely terrifying. But I am so uncertain of reality anyway.
So it makes me feel even more CRAZY when someone says it was less horrible or indicates something like that. That it was "normal" or that she had other patients that dealt easily.
I read to this in a book:
"As the therapist listens, she must constantly remind herself to make no assumptions about either the facts or the meaning of ht trauma to the patient. If she fails to ask detailed questions, she risks superimposing her own feelings and her own interpretiation onto the patient´s story. What seems like a minor detail to the therapist may be the most imortant aspect of the story to the patient."

Also, this alternative pictures, confuse me, it confuses my reality of what really happened. And although I really don´t know if I can, without falling apart, just speaking the truth, I feel that this is what I have to do, instead of "changing" the past, which is what we´re doing a little.

It says in the book:

" Janet sometimes attempted in his work with hysterical patients to erase traumatic memories or even to alte their content with aid of hypnsis... It is understandable for both patient and therapist to wish for a magic transformation, a purging of the evil of the trauma.
Psychotherapy, however, does not get rid of the trauma. The goal of recounting the trauma story is integration, not exocism. In the process of reconstruction, the trauma story does undergo a tranformation, but only in the sense of becoming more present and more real. The funndamental premise the psychotherapeutic work is a belief in the restorative power of truth-telling."

I have to say that my therapist is not a trauma specialist but on eating disorders.
But she can use Emdr.
Also, she likes to talk a lot herself too. Maybe 50 percent of the time, she talks, this is her approuch. With this though I think I need to talk a lot without being interrupted.

Is this "technique" with jumping in and asking what would have made it better verified?
Do you know it?
What do you think?

one thing you may need to know is that therapy and therapists and clients problems are not always like what you find in a book. just because a book says a therapist must be this way, or most do that doesnt mean that therapist does things this or that way. what you find in books is just what the author feels is best not what our individual therapists feel is best for how ever they do their jobs.

here in america treatment providers have broad guidelines but they dont necessarily have to follow one that so cut and dry it says make no assumptions....therapists many times make judgements/assumptions based on what the clients body language, words, tone....all kinds of things

example yesterday my therapist and I were talking my tone of voice was light but my body language was tight, stiff... does the therapist go according to her assumption/judgement of my words and come up with the feedback of telling me "so you are having a good day" or does she go according to my body language and make the assumption/judgement of "so your day isnt going so well today is it" My therapist chose the second assumption/judgement and was correct in doing so.

according to the book you had found my therapist should not have done either one and then what? Im sitting there receiving no feedback from my therapist. I dont know very many people who like having a therapist that gives no feedback, just sits back not saying anything because they are not supposed to make any judgments/assumptions and I know only a few people that like having a therapist that will just throw back at the client nit picking about how they are sitting, what their tone is, what their words are saying...

that said I have found whats best for me and my therapist/me and my clients is to not worry about what I find in books. the books are not me and my therapist and the books are not me and my clients. Id rather do whats right for me and how I feel and do whats right for what my clients are feeling.

what Im getting at is you feel how ever you feel and you need what ever you need from your therapist.. dont worry so much about how this book says things should be done this way and that book says that way.. just contact your treatment provider and the two of you can work out what the best process for you is.

another suggestion...if reading mental health books causes you this much confusion for you then maybe its time to put away the books for a bit until you are ready again to read them without them affecting you to this extreme. I take many breaks from reading books and it helps in clearing up the confusion and gets me back to focusing on me and my feelings and not worrying about being perfect, or doing the process perfectly.

[archipelago]

Though I get the point that what happens in therapy isn't like what is described in books and I don't want to argue about that, but the truth is that books are helpful, especially when things in therapy don't feel right. You can find relief there. I certainly have.

I don't think the problem is the books or their influence, but rather that the therapist doesn't seem to be understanding or there is a trust issue that hasn't been worked out yet. That you say the therapist has "minimized" your experience is a bad sign. It can cause harm because it becomes what is known as "secondary wounding," when people don't take in the full effects of what you feel, especially about a trauma.

The best way to approach an issue with therapy is to raise as directly as you can. This does take some courage and can be uncomfortable at first, but remember the therapist works for you so they are not in charge; you are. And if you don't feel satisfied, you have every right to say. In fact you almost have a duty to yourself and well-being to take action.

Sometimes people aren't well-matched or grow out of the relationship. It's perfectly okay to decide to get a referral to someone else. I have done so before and now am so glad that I did though while it was going on I felt bad about possibly hurting my former therapist's feelings as well as being uncertain about the new one. Trust your gut instincts if you can. You can tell a lot about the therapist by their quality of voice, responsiveness, and ability to catch on quickly.