The Magical Illusion

I can't find it now, but I recently read an article about what the author called the "magical illusion" of adults with traumatic childhoods. The idea that one day one's parents will become the loving, nurturing parents you've always longed for.

I still have this view. The majority of my parents' issues were substance abuse related and I really do think if they would get their acts together they could be good parents. At the same time, the odds of that happening are very slim. It hasn't happened in the twenty-two years since I was born, so I doubt it will ever happen. I kind of imagine the positive traits they do have, just expressed all the time.

Yet even as I intellectually realize the odds of them having a major transformation are about zero, emotionally I still hold hope that one day they will change and all will be well. It's an unsettling issue, but the upside of thinking about this is I know what to talk about with my therapist this week.

You bring up an interesting topic - I've not heard of the magical illusion, but I'd sure love to have that wish come true and magically get the parents I long for, even in my 30s. Instead, I seem to have transferred that desire for unconditional love and care on those who can't provide it to me. Working really hard to learn to provide it for myself.

Great topic for the therapy room, might head there with it myself. Thanks for bringing it up!

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.
Go ahead. Read my blog. Really. It's pretty good.

Interesting. I think I don't have that view. I think I don't care whether my parents love me, and I don't believe they do (how screwy that this comforts me). My T pointed out that I keep trying to talk to my mum out of optimism, as I keep expecting a better answer. And I got really angry with him. Because he was right. My mum is not going to change and start listening to me and recognising my experience. It's never going to happen. She is, on paper, a perfectly decent mother, but she just goes through the motions and has emotionally neglected me all my life.

It is sad that often parents simply do not know how to "nurture" their children properly. So much of the problems we have in society overall is due to "many" children that are simply not nurtured the right way so many end up with a lack of respect for others, and can have little empathy. Or, the result can be someone who somehow always carries "low self esteem" or tend to feel "unsafe or unworthy somehow".

I remember watching a young mother with her son and daughter, they were just babies really, not even really walking yet. There were many times when she talked to them as if they were much older and said things like, "I am not in the mood today", or "I am tired, leave me alone" and other statements that sent negetive messages to these babies that they had no way of understanding, they were just babies, having normal baby needs. It is not unusual for mothers to try to find ways to "put it here" and "put it there" out of her way too.

And then one can add in how a mother and father are hardwired themselves because of how badly they were raised and often neglected. For a long time children were to be seen and not heard remember. It is not unusual for parents to just "order" and "direct" their children and when a child has needs, "dicipline and don't bother me".

And yes DFL678, there are too many times when parents have "addictions to alcohol" and they are troubled people that can't even help themselves let alone a child.

Love? well, often the lack is due to so many parents that don't know how, and how so many parents have no idea how children really grow and develope, and that children don't even form their "one identity" until around age 5.

I can remember how so many different people mocked me because I rocked my daughter to sleep instead of putting her in her crib letting her cry to sleep until she somehow learned that putting her there meant "go to sleep".

Well, the important thing to remember if you have parents that didn't "nurture" you right, is that often that was because they were "ignorant" and also often themselves had "core issues" due to not being nurtured themselves".

It is amazing how "children are to be seen and not heard" has presented so many deep issues that have unfortunately passed from one generation to the next. It is amazing how many parents don't know how to "listen" to their children, but expect a child to "obey". It has amazed me the number of parents who "make the decisions" of what their children will do, what "they" think is important, and they really don't listen to what is important to the child. I have lost count in how many times other parents looked at me in surprise and said, "Why are you listening to her, you are the mother, she is just the child. What does she know?". Actually, if you want a child to "listen" you need to listen to them too so they understand what "listen means". There were so many times that I listened and my child had an important message for me that helped me mother her better. There were times when she just "couldn't" and instead of trying to "make her" I listened and that led me to learning that she had a learning disability and she really "couldn't".

It is important when looking back and seeing the "hurt or lack" and how it has affected you, that you make sure you see the "whys". Going through life, thinking you were never loved or are unworthy somehow or allowing yourself to be angry all the time, is not being "fair to yourself".

Personally, I really worry about this whole day care generation where mothers go off to work and leave their children with "strangers". I even worry about this new idea about getting children into school at age 4. Keep in mind how children at that age are just getting to a stage where they form their "one" identity in their brain. I don't know about anyone else but I do remember going to nursery school and being afraid around all those strangers, I didn't feel ready to fend for myself at all. I have had flashbacks of when I was soooo little and soooo frightened, they are so distrubing and I never imagined the brain keeps that trapped the way it does.

When I took my daughter to nursery school I sat and talked to her about how it was for her to meet children and play and have fun. I also told her if anything upset her to tell me. I made sure I asked her every time she went how it was for her (she only went for two hours in AM two days a week). She did express duress about the children who had to stay there longer without their mommies picking them up. She pleaded with me to not do that, and I told her that would not happen, and she felt so much better. If she ever told me she was afraid or was not happy or felt safe?, I would have taken her out of nursery school.

It is hard to go to the relationship forum and read how people are challenged and what they are thinking and only talk about how they have children but are self absorbed and not even thinking about "the children", but are too troubled themselves. It is hard to see the number of young teens that come here and are really challenged in someway, battling depression and are way too afraid to "talk to their parents". And there is this phrase they all utter too, "But they don't listen".

I raised my daughter well, she definitely has a voice. But what I have noticed is that she can't quite find a significant other that doesn't have deep issues and troubles or lack. That is a big problem these days, one of the big reasons why the relationship problems in society today are so prevelant.

OE

I think being cared for by strangers some of the time was a good thing. As I wasn't just at home. Which wasn't a great place to be. That's really sad isn't it.

I've just remembered that I used to cry when my parents picked me up from nursery school.

((tinyrabbit)),

It is important that you think about the positive in nursery school then. There must have been a sense of "safety" there that was "nurturing" for you. It is important to consider whatever affected you in a "positive" way when reviewing your past. By focusing on "all the negetives" you may discredit the significant things that you used to become "who you are" that are "positive" in you.

When I went over alot of the upsetting things I experienced in my childhood and at other times in my life, it was important to recognize it, and finally "mourn" whatever had been "taken or lost to me". This is a "part of" the healing process when it comes to reviewing our past like this, or whatever "trama" may be there that we somehow didn't realize had affected us the way it did. When we work through all of these "losses or troubles or lacks" we are viewing it as adults and as adults we have the ability to finally take time to "self comfort, self sooth, and help ourselves finally heal"
from whatever we didn't have growing up etc.

It is important to make sure that by "reviewing" we are not supposed to feel "trapped or unworthy because of what we didn't have", that is what often patients start to think and it is really important that a patient "not" determine themselves a "lost cause". Instead, it is meant to "understand" and "connect with self more" and finally coming to terms with "self" instead of going along with some kind of "void" that a patient doesn't quite "understand".