[tinyrabbit]

Earlier this week, I realised I think I have complex PTSD (because of my childhood and my ex). It felt like this awful new realisation. I told my husband, who said it made sense. I wanted to tell my best friend but she's busy moving house. I told my T in session and he didn't really say anything as he was listening while I rambled about a bunch of stuff.

Today I suddenly remembered that, soon after starting therapy, I realised I had PTSD. I told my best friend. I mentioned it to my T. It felt like this awful new realisation.

And then I forgot, or hid the knowledge from myself, and had the realisation all over again. This has scared the absolute heck out of me. It's like my mind is in bits. Maybe this is why I keep wanting to write lists of things to discuss in T. I'm so freaked out that I just 'forgot' this, like my mind is just in fragments.

[tinyrabbit]

My best friend says I never told her that. I don't know what's real any more.

[Open Eyes]

((tinyrabbit))),

Yes, that is what PTSD presents, it is like someone took your life and entire past and dumped it in front of you on the floor in pieces. It is very unsettling and confusing and yes, there is a desire to make lists and even be forgetful and disconnected.

So far everything you are saying is what takes place when challenged with PTSD. It is very confusing. It is going to take you time to sort through this confusion. And you are going to have confusing emotions too. You have to be "very patient" with yourself and while you will have confusing thoughts, don't feed into it, just observe and work on whatever you need to with the therapist.

Yes, you are going to need to talk about many things that challenged you in your past. You need to be validated for everything you struggle with emotionally as well.
You can also come here if you need to write things out too. We are always here to listen and support you, so don't be alone ok? You are going to get through this challenge. I will say that it will be one day at a time too. No matter what you feel, always be "kind and patient with yourself" you will get past this part.

(((Hugs)))

[tinyrabbit]

Thank you so much, you have been so helpful and kind, everything you say makes sense. It helps to know this senselessness actually has some sense to it.

(((Hugs)))

[pachyderm]

I also experience this fragmentation of thinking. I find it extremely frightening, because it feels as though I have to think clearly in order to survive. And I don't see anyone understanding it. I do find I make progress even if I have to do it by myself, but the progress is much slower, I think, than it would be if anyone understood.

[tinyrabbit]

I'm so sorry you are feeling so alone with this (((hugs))))

People on here understand. Have you tried therapy at all?

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

Have you tried therapy at all?

Yes.

The fragmentation of thinking seems to be a desperate defense mechanism of early childhood, when realizing what was happening was overwhelmingly frightening. Unfortunately the mechanism continues in adulthood, with poor results!

[tinyrabbit]

I have the same problem. I told my T my dad had depression and anger problems and I didn't remember being upset or frightened. Seems I dissociated from my feelings and my body. Ditto with my ex, which I can't even go into.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

I also experience this fragmentation of thinking. I find it extremely frightening, because it feels as though I have to think clearly in order to survive. And I don't see anyone understanding it. I do find I make progress even if I have to do it by myself, but the progress is much slower, I think, than it would be if anyone understood.

I have this too pachyderm. It was "really bad" in 2011, the year I joined PC. My posts were long and like a speeding train sometimes. I didn't even realize it until a very nice member pointed it out, a member who also is challenged with PTSD. There were times when I would write out posts and then later or the next day read them over and I noticed that I tended to "repeat" as well. I also noticed that I often left out words and at the time didn't even see it.

In therapy, I would begin to discuss a challenge and then remember other experiences that also pulled into my thought patterns and discussion. It was often hard for my T to follow along, and there was never enough time somehow. Sometimes I felt like I was just reaching an important part and time would be up.

When I came to PC, I didn't talk that much about myself at first, what I did instead was focus on the questions other's asked and then I would post my thoughts. Yes, it took me time to think and write out my thoughts one step at a time. I know that what appeared didn't always reflect the extreme effort it took on my part to put together a post.

I didn't understand "what was happening" to me, I was very scared outside PC IRL. (I have to think clearly in order to survive) YES, that is how it feels, just how it feels, "I have to think clearly in order to survive". And that is how PC helped me every day. I was trying very hard to figure out how to find my way "back" to being able to do that. I worked "very hard" at that every day at PC. YES, I could see how that connected to my childhood too, and it was "very confusing" for me too pachyderm. So you are "not alone" pachyderm, someone "does" understand the challenge, and yes, it is really hard and even "scarey" I agree.

What I "can" say is that I have been able to make some "gains" and I have even noticed it in my writing here at PC. I don't miss as many words, and I can think one step at a time much better. I do tend to lose track of time while I work at it, and I also noticed that it tends to take alot of my focus. I can always see how if my husband is around or interupts me, it affects my posts and I can lose my way sometimes.

I have to admit that I still tend to get anxiety after I post. It is as if I am waiting for someone to "hit me" or get "mad at me" for something. That is from years of "abuse" and from people challenging me or wanting to dismiss me somehow. It was not me, it was due to their issues unfortunately, and I still experience it because I still have some of these people around me IRL. I have been working very hard on that with my T, who has met my husband and see's how he can be a big challenge for me.

I cannot change others, I can only change how I react and how it can aggrivate my PTSD in ways I didn't realize before. I can say that I have been slowly "gaining" and "improving", and I admit that it is often alot of work. And yes, my family and others do not understand how I am challenged this way. I know that is hard and often lonely. But I keep working at it and I "am" gaining more and more.

So, keep trying because you "can" improve and you really "are not alone", me too.

OE

[Kate King]

I just want to be able to "get it" and figure it out. I can relate fully to what Open Eyes and Pachyderm are saying, but it feels like I am in the same place when it comes to PTSD, and I have been working on it for a long time with countless therapists (Praise God I have a GREAT one right now). I wish I could even put into words what I am trying to say. I just ramble on and on not making any sense at all. I'll stop.

[Open Eyes]

((Kate King)) I just checked out your about me, it sounds like you probably have "PTSD and more specifically "complex PTSD" because you had childhood abuse. I am glad to hear you have a really good therapist now, it is not unusaual for T's to miss the important signs of PTSD that goes way back.

It is not unusual to feel like you are just "rambling" in therapy, but if you were to really study PTSD and how child abuse or trama in childhood really affects how children develope into adults, things will make "more sense to you". When children have "loss of control" in their childhoods, when they "feel unsafe and stressed" they can develope some strange coping methods where they try to find some sense of "control" over something. These coping methods can range from "cutting, to anerexia, to OCD like symptoms, to even becoming bullies or even "over achievers" or achoholics, to workacholics. Typically there is a constant challenge in being able to "truely relax" and let go in any "normal way".

You are "not" just rambling, you are just struggling and you have not been able to figure out why. Therapy is supposed to help you with that, and a T is supposed to understand that "yes" often there is rambling and even fragmented thinking involved.

Glad to hear you finally have a T you feel is helping you.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[tinyrabbit]

I've found it interesting to learn that responses can be split into fight, flight, freeze or faun. I was very much a 'freeze' type - lots of dreaming, dissociation and sleeping.

Kate, I'm glad you have a good T now.