[MotownJohnny]

Here is a link to the DSM IV list of symptoms:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK83241/

C (14) Sense of a foreshortened future (e.g., does not expect to have a career, marriage, children, or a normal lifespan)

This has always been a BIG issue for me after high school. I was a great student, loved school, took as many advanced classes as I could in high school, got enough AP credits that I entered college almost a sophomore. Felt like I could "go places in life.

I was encouraged by teachers to go to a major university, so I did, and being about 60 miles from home, that meant being away from home for the first time ever on my own. In hindsight, I should have run with it. But, being a product of my father's gulag with its bizarre rules, I found it overwhelming. For example, ketchup was banned for years as threatening to his health, if he couldn't have it we weren't allowed - he would go into a rage if I told him I put it on my lunch in school - probably why I wasn't allowed to eat lunch in school after 9th grade. So, I was completely terrified to suddenly be in my own. Problem One with college, check.

Feeling confident (about the only time in my life), I signed up my first term for 19 credits in really hard classes, advanced calculus, honor's level chemistry and English, French literature, a chem lab, and honor's level physics. Results, predictable - way too much for me to handle. I flunked calculus, barely passed physics, got a 2.0 in chemistry, and 4.0's in the languages. I loved the English course, one of those really inspiring professors and genuinely kind and concerned. That helped. But overall, made me feel like a real loser, like I was toast in life. Problem Two, check.

Then, he tried to cut me off from home. He also, when I was a junior in HS, told me that I would go away to school. Now I know why, he wanted me gone. Took me and dumped me, like a stray dog. Didn't want me coming home on weekends, didn't want me calling. The summer before, he made me get rid of a lot of my stuff, but I didn't see the connection until I got there. His chance to rid of the no-good lazy gay bastard who had sex with his mother(all in his mind, I am none of those, well, ok, I struggle with the no-good part, surprise surprise).

I later found out he told people in his circle that he wanted me gone because my mother seduced me at every chance and that we had sex in front of him several times to spite him. Sick SOB. That really hurt, when I found that out I could have been literally homicidal, so it was a good thing I had a little cooling off period before I caught up with him at that time. I merely spat in his face, so he slugged him. I hit back, denied I instigated and claimed self-defense against a very disturbed man, which is the only reason I didn't end up in jail, it was close, a whole lotta cops at the house that infamous night. Only fist fight I was ever in, gotta confess looking back I kind of enjoyed standing up to him, showing him I was a bit more of a man, even if it was in a stupid reckless manner, than he gave me credit for being.

But, the worst thing, my mom and I got to calling - well, I had to call her so it didn't show up on the phone bill - at times I knew he was gone or hoped he was gone, which was hard since he had retired. Lotta hang ups on him, which was kind of gratifying. But it fed into his paranoia, too. It got a lot worse for my mom without me there to take the punches. She would break down into tears almost every time I called after a month or so. I felt extremely guilty about leaving. I was afraid he was going to kill her, literally. Problem Three, check.

So, with three strikes against me, my self esteem crashed, anxiety ramped up a lot, and it was high at baseline, and I became depressed enough that I fantasized at times about jumping out of the dorm window about 75 feet over concrete. Because I felt like I had no future. I guess something broke in me then, not as dramatically as I snapped last year, but bad enough. I always felt like, why bother, life is just pain and suffering and then you die a hideous painfull death. Like Thomas Hobbes, the political philosopher, said, "Life is brutal, nasty, and short".

I graduated, with a decent GPA that barely kept me in the honors level, but I flunked a couple more classes, changed majors several times, and ultimately got a degree in a field only because it was easy, path of least resistance, but with poor job prospects, not lucrative or prestigious enough, so I was the black sheep all around, with my 3 much older siblings as well.

I just gave up and stopped trying very hard most of the time, settling on that path, and I said, openly at times, why bother, I will never live to be 25. Then it became 30, then 35, then 40, etc.

"Just another day for you and me in paradise, paradise"- Phil Collins

[splitimage]

This has been a major issue for me too. I don't know why, but I never expected to live past 30, and suddenly I find myself at 44. Still can't really envision much beyond a year - it makes planning & motivation hard, if you feel you don't have anything to live for.

One thing I'm finding helpful although it's not a cure yet, is I'm working through a trauma recovery workbook, one-on-one with a psychologist who is a trauma specialist. I'm finding it really validates, the emotions and feelings I experience, and I'm learning how to counter a lot of the negative self talk that goes on in my head.

If your insurance will cover it, or you can afford it, I highly recommend finding a trauma specialist and working with them.

It's really hard, but trust me, it can get better.

splitimage

[MotownJohnny]

Well, for me, the why of it is easy, if you feel like some whack job could take you out at any time, and simultaneously you wonder if it wouldn't be for the best, a kindness to get it over with, or if maybe you should off yourself preemptively, so at least it is on your terms, that tends to snuff out the will to live.

I once read that there were a lot of suicides in the Nazi camps, people would run into electric fences or jump guards or try to run out gates so they would be killed, they couldn't suffer any more. There was a famous book written very early after by a Jewish psychologist who survived a death camp, although his family were murdered, and he continued to secretly work as a therapist with the other prisoners as much as he could. I recall he was working extensively as possible with one man who had sent his children to Canada, they murderd his wife, and he became very suicidal. The therapist kept him going by thinking that one day he might be back with his kids. And, this patient survived and was able to go to Canada and be reunited after liberation. Although I'm sure he had one whopper of a case of PTSD after that, he survived. It was motivation that kept him alive.

That is what I guess I lacked. A reason to not to give in. A feeling of hope that it didn't always have to be like it was.

My health insurance doesn't pay for any outpatient. ATT, I am able to afford what I am doing, weekly therapy, seeing the psychiatrist every 1-2 months.

I didn't know there was such a thing as a trauma specialist. I guess it makes sense, though.

Can you tell me more about the workbook? This is what I guess I am looking for, a roadmap out of the dismal swamp. I am sick of getting stuck in quicksand and chased by alligators.

Thanks.

[Open Eyes]

(((Mowtown))),

My T told me that in studying PTSD patients, especially those with "complex PTSD" or victims of abuse, they have found that these patients were actually very resilient, in spite of the trauma/abuse. If you think about yourself, and considering the psychological abuse from your father, you were "resilient" and continued to "push forward" anyway.

When someone is abused, even emotionally or verbally abused, they do tend to keep trying anyway. What tends to get to them is that when PTSD develops, they get angry because they had thought that they had overcome so much somehow so the PTSD symptoms that as you know are very challenging, feels like a betrayal.

If professionals then misdiagnose because they are not really trained to identify the outward signs of what is PTSD, and not Bipolar or other possible diagnoses, this can lead to actually "aggravating" the PTSD. The reason for the patient getting worse is that the treatment they receive tends to "invalidate them even further" which is simply "more abuse".

The reason "why" having a therapist that really understands PTSD and "Trauma recovery" is because they can "listen and validate" which is the utmost importance to "trauma recovery".

A trauma victim tends to "self blame" a lot because after a trauma they have all the facts and begin to see the "if I only did this or that" I would have not "lost so much" or "been so hurt". They also tend to "self blame" because of how the PTSD brings on symptoms that make them really struggle and they can't seem to "control themselves" or "stop the severe anxiety or mood changes, even the extreme bouts of anger that pops up".

However, if a PTSD patient actually has the right therapist to "validate" and "help them feel safe" and "listen, listen, listen, and validate, validate, validate" their initial desperation begins to "slowly subside" and they can finally gain a much needed sense of calm so they can finally "work through the traumas and learn and grow". A good trauma therapist understands that a PTSD patient, even a complex PTSD patient needs to finally be able to actually "grieve" whatever was lost to them and finally get to a point where they can feel comfortable enough with themselves and their history to be able to "continue to live out their lives with a new sense of validation and care for self" verses harboring guilt and the negative messages they received from "abuse".

No one can go back and change their past, and pretty much everyone will see things as they move through life and learn that they wish they had somehow known earlier.
It doesn't even matter "how successful" someone is, because we "all" can see the "if only" in hindsight.

Therapy is supposed to help you grieve and get "comforted" so you can finally settle into yourself and with everything you have learned and have grieved, move forward and just "live your life, more enlightened, and decide to keep on learning and growing and gaining. Therapy is also to help you learn to "care about yourself instead of "self punish" .

It will do you "no good" to hold onto the anger about something you simply cannot go back and "change" either. You need to come to "terms" with that and a therapist is there to help you finally learn to "do just that". Each person will be different depending on their history and "destructive messages or abuse they may have suffered".

(((Hugs)))
OE

[MotownJohnny]

Thank you, OE. I appreciate the fact that people here are willing to tolerate my ramblings and rants. Today is a blah day for me, I had minor surgery yesterday and am stuck at home with my leg elevated most of the day, so it gives my mind more time to dwell on this stuff.

A year out from what happened, I still have a lot of trouble accepting it. And I know I sound like a broken record, over and over. I also sound like a spoiled whining brat like this is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone in history. So then I feel guilty about that. I guess everyone's experience is their own. I rarely think about the guy that threatened me last summer, that doesn't bother me much any more. I think a lot about my father and that entire mess. I fixate mostly on being sent to the day hospital as bipolar. I don't think it's healthy on a lot of levels. On the scale of trauma, it is nothing. Mostly hurt my pride and self esteem. I certainly wasn't in physical danger, it was at a "premier" enormous hospital, very nice place. I went out at lunch every day at their food court and had sushi or salads or went to the shopping center next door just to escape. Not exactly the trauma a rape victim or disaster survivor or concentration camp survivor went through. And it burns through my mind 24/7 anyway. And I am acting like a 16 year old whining because Dad took away the car after the kid got caught speeding with beer in the car or something. It's stupid. I feel very "stuck" and I feel like if I can't reconcile myself to what happens the bitterness will destroy me.

Upon reflection, it does feel exactly like you describe. Like punish the victim to me. Like one more big betrayal in my life. And it definitely was more traumatic long term than the incident at work. I can laugh about that now. I certainly can't laugh about the misdiagnosis incident.

[Open Eyes]

((Mowtown))),

Everything you just said is exactly what people (including myself) say when they are struggling with "complex PTSD" which is what you are really struggling with.

For me personally, on one hand I have a huge desire to verbalize how challenged I am, yet on the other hand, often when I spend time doing that, I feel like somehow I am "whining" and should not have expressed my challenges the way I just seemed to "need to do" somehow.

However, that feeling that challenged me was actually coming from "the dysfunctional" people I grew up around and even my alcoholic "psychologically abusive husband". To top that off, even when I tried to reach out for "help" the professionals "misdiagnosed me" even though I expressed "all the clear red flags" that should have led them to diagnose me with "complex PTSD" or at least that I was a "victim of abuse". Like you, I can look back with finally understanding my "true diagnosis" and see the mistakes that were made with me when I really "needed help and support".

I have spent quite a bit of time with my therapist working through "how I was misdiagnosed and mistreated by other therapists or so called professionals" and unfortunately, I am not alone with this challenge either. I have also learned that an effort is being made to train people who work in "psychwards and hospitals" how to identify a "trauma victim" verses further traumatizing them with the wrong "treatment" and "diagnoses".

Please, do not "self blame" when you need to "talk" and express your troubled emotions and challenges. You need to stop thinking you are whining or that your challenges are "not important" somehow. Instead you need to continue to verbalize the challenges you have and get "validation" and slowly "grieve" and "finally work through them.

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE

[splitimage]

The workbook I'm using with my psychologist is "Life after trauma" 2/e by Rosenbloom and Williams

[MotownJohnny]

Thanks!