[MotownJohnny]

Because I still feel like I am spinning my wheels. A year out. The most effed up year in an extremely effed up life. One year ago this morning, at this time, sunrise, I came the closest I have ever been to taking myself out of the game. I just didn't have the balls to pull the trigger. In hindsight, I am gratefull. 99% of the time, I am glad to be alive, I can see myself for what I am, a survivor, and I am actually pretty damned tough, more than I give myself credit for being. I want a shot at a real future where I am finally in the driver's seat, not just riding bound and gagged in the trunk, blind and terrified and at the mercy of the ghosts of the past who are in control of the vehicle. I think I've more than earned it.

I told myself I was going to make this a good weekend, a de-stress weekend. I can't even do that. Days are decent, but the evenings and nights it just all floods back to me, and I can't stop it, and I end up wallowing in past miseries. I have been working out a lot in the past year, been super proud of myself for that, and all of the sudden, I lack the motivation. Which scares me, i am really in to fitness, have some really specific goals I want to meet. To me, that feels like depression ramping up. I tried to go out last night and get in a decent 20-25 mile bike ride, but I wasn't more than a couple of miles into it and I started thinking about my father, the misdiagnosis, etc, and my mood turned sour and I basically parked it for a while and just sat there and snarffed down some trail mix and water under a tree and felt sorry for myself, made it worse by listening to some old music full of bad memories, then turned around and went home and said to Hell with it and went to bed.

I guess my thinking about this is unrealistic. When I was told bipolar, I thought I was toast, no way to win. So, when I was told C-PTSD, I felt like I was let out of a cage, and I said to myself I can beat this, piece of cake compared to bipolar.

It's just so much harder than I thought it would be. I keep doing everything I know how to do, I keep making my own breaks ("Luck ain't luck, you gotta make your own breaks" - It's My Life, Bon Jovi), and I'm treading water at best.

Can't I just have one f***ing bike ride in peace? I don't think that is too much to ask for.

Please tell me this gets better.

[Trailrunner]

MoTownJohnny

It does get better! Believe it! My GF also has C-PTSD and there is success. Never give up. You are worth it. My GF was also diagnosed as bipolar at a early age, but now we know it's the trauma and the PTSD. My advice to surround yourself with kind caring people who support you. And never blame yourself.

So, does it get better? Yes.

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IT DOES GET BETTER!!!!

[Muppy]

I have bipolar, C-PTSD, and ADD.......I really have fun.

[transientsoul]

MTJ, I don't know if it gets better darlin', but I can tell you that some days, it's perfectly perfect to just say the hell with it and go to bed.

I hope today has been better for you.

[MillionaireWaltz]

Obvious response: every person is different. The fact that two people can share the same diagnosis doesn't always mean their symptoms, episodes, or even days can be comparable, but in sharing a diagnosis, we can relate to the general frustration and hardship it can bring us. What helped me, MTJ, was seeking and maintaining a routine of individual and group therapy sessions. It wasn't easy for me at the start; currently, I'm waiting for the next opening, because I foolishly stopped going for reasons which aren't at all reasonable. But it is helpful; whether or not you find it equally helpful is up to you, because only you know what'll feel right. And hopefully, your days WILL get better, but it's all a matter of where your support lies, and knowing that it's okay to lean on that support when you feel you can't do it alone.

[Open Eyes]

(((MTJ))),

It "can" get better, but it takes time to sort through the "negative" in your subconscious that "certain thoughts or experiences can trigger and cause you to struggle the way you are describing".

Sometimes I have days where I struggle all day and I don't know "what" triggered me.
I often have to take time to think about the conversations I have had, what I have read here at PC, or seen on TV. However, I finally get to the point where I figure it out, but it can take a day or two.

What I "can" say is that I had no idea that the "trauma's" in my past had such a profound affect on me where I would be challenged like this.

It takes time to sort this out, often it gets worse before you find yourself starting to gain on it and get to a point where you have figured yourself out and can finally "grieve whatever is there and process and heal" so you understand yourself better.

When you have these "bad days or bad nights" remember, they come on like a "wave" but they also always "recede" and you need to think about the "whys" of what brought on the trigger/episode. Once you work through it, you will begin to gain on it little by little.

When someone has "complex PTSD" it takes time to work through all the things you have trapped in your subconscious that "hurt you more than you realized". So you really need to "be patient with yourself" and understand 'this is going to take time, and yes, you will have these "challenging days" and that is when you need to take some time to figure out "where the injury is from" that presented you with this uncomfortable trigger.

Patience (((MTJ))), you need to be Patient with yourself, healing takes time.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[MotownJohnny]

Muppy, I'm so sorry. I probably sound like the biggest douchebag for whining like I do. I'm stuck at 16 in so many ways, which is pretty pathetic in light of the fact I'm (barely) middle aged. I still have to grow up in many ways.

TransientSoul, thanks, it has been a better day. I'll keep the part about being ok just to go to bed in mind, though, for future reference.

MW - therapy is always a good thing, IMHO. Been doing it for years on and off. Been doing it weekly for the past year. Helps a lot.

OE - I'll try to keep all of that in mind. As you can probably tell, patience is not one of my virtues. I wish it were. I know nothing really worth having comes easily. I'll try to work on that one, too.

[Muppy]

(((((MJT))))), oh hush, you're not a douchebag and you're not whining. Getting it out is why we're all here. I've been in therapy for a long time, and I don't really anticipate stopping it soon. I've got a long way to go before I get it all together. I really am sorry I made a flip remark when you are so obviously hurting.

Therapy really does help. I've been told by my therapist that I truly have had a bizarre life, full of traumatic events. The most recent occurred in February. One thing that really bothers me is that the dreams have increased since February. Glimpses of people, seconds of conversation, that's all it takes to trigger me. I have to be really careful what I watch on tv and this just happened in the last six months. Cumulative trauma, I expect.

I have good days, okay days, and lousy days. I argue with myself, I criticize myself for getting lost in thoughts and memories that I cannot change and really don't want to recall.

I just try to do my best. I try to keep myself calm. I try not to criticize myself. And I feel for you, MTJ, I really do. I've got plenty of lemons but don't quite have the perfect recipe for lemonade.

It does get better, but it takes time ...